There’s a decidedly masculine feel to this week’s celebrity birthdays. With a Latino actor, an A Team alumnus and even 007 himself, there’s more testosterone flying around than your average marine base. With that in mind, we're throwing our menfolk a party worthy of Hugh Hefner here at DS towers. And it’s strictly for the boys - Jordan and Gwyneth can forget any notion of sneaking in through the air vents. They’ll just have to read about the shenanigans in tomorrow’s tabloids with everyone else.

Peter André

How many candles? Jordan's other half turns 35 on Wednesday.

DS' birthday present: Peter and his missus could do with learning the art of discretion after regaling us with every sordid detail of their lives. To that end, we've sent them both off to a spiritual retreat for the weekend. We may forget to mention that they'll have to take a vow of silence!

Dirk Benedict

How many candles? The Celebrity Big Brother alumnus is 63 on Saturday. Congratulations, Dirk!

DS' birthday present: We know there’s only one thing Dirk really wants and we were more than happy to oblige - a bumper box of cigars is winging its way to his ranch in Montana now. Enjoy!

Javier Bardem

How many candles? The No Country villain is 39 on Saturday.

DS' birthday present: We don't want Javier to be depressed on his next movie, so we got our legal team on the case. There'll now be a clause in all future contracts banning any more dodgy '70s bowl cuts!

Daniel Craig

How many candles? 007 celebrates his 40th birthday on Sunday

DS' birthday present: Daniel has a tough time with those intrusive fans so we bought him a pair of shades and a bright pink wig. Well, if it's good enough for Britney...

Chris Martin

How many candles? The Coldplay crooner is 31 on Sunday

DS' birthday present: Chris and Gwynnie may be jumping on the adoption bandwagon so we cleared Madonna's diary for a tête-à-tête. If anyone can give them advice on how not to do it, it's the Queen of Pop.