Readers, there have been mutterings that we don't really give presents to our celebrities. Some individuals have dared to suggest that we fail to put our money where our mouth is and send an actual gift. We don't mind telling you that we're (sniff) wounded to the core by such scurrilous accusations. We'll have those naysayers know that we have a dedicated workforce slogging away for no money or glory to ensure that our presents reach their recipients come rain or shine. Any more of these rumours and we'll be sending nothing more than our best wishes from here on in.

Jessica Biel

How many candles? The screen siren turns 26 today.

DS' birthday present: Those Justin cheating rumours have surfaced again so isn't it time Jess kept a closer eye on her man? A high-tech homing device will alert her the moment he ventures anywhere near a certain blonde star.

Ronan Keating

How many candles? The veteran boybander is 31 today.

DS' birthday present: Ronan's busy preparing for the Boyzone reunion, but can the boys possibly match the success of Take That? We persuaded Gary Barlow to pen a track or two to get them off to the best possible start.

Donny Tourette

How many candles? The Celebrity Big Brother rebel is 27 on Tuesday.

DS' birthday present: Donny's bound to want to support old pal Jade Goody in her latest venture, so we booked him an appointment at her new male beauty salon. We're sure he'll be delighted to learn that waxing men’s "backs, sacks and cracks" is her speciality.

Shakin' Stevens

How many candles? The rock'n'roll icon celebrates his 60th birthday on Tuesday.

DS' birthday present: Ol' Shaky isn't the spring chicken he once was, so we bought him a bumper bottle of cod liver oil. He'll need to keep those swiveling hips nicely lubricated to prevent his aging joints from seizing up.

Matt Lucas

How many candles? David Walliams' sidekick is 34 on Wednesday.

DS' birthday present: Matt's filming Little Britain across the pond so we got him all kitted out for the California dream. A surfboard, a Beach Boys CD and a tiny pair of Baywatch-style speedos are en route to LA as we speak.