Phobia Corner: Christmas ('Doctor Who')

It should be a time of giving, but Christmas is now the time to hide in the cellar shuddering in the corner. For there's been a history of malevolent forces at work that have cast a huge shadow over the festive season - and we're not talking about the usual EastEnders gloomfest.

Block up your chimneys folks - the rotund figure of Santa Claus can never be trusted again. We saw several of them, under Sycorax control, attack poor Rose Tyler and Mickey Smith during a spot of pressie-buying in town. They returned the following year to gatecrash Donna Noble's wedding reception and kidnap the bride herself. They even used baubles as explosive projectiles!

That's not to say that stripping your Christmas trees of any decorations will protect you. The shrubbery poses a risk in itself, as the Tyler family found out when their seasonal shrub started spinning vigorously and functioned as a chainsaw. So the home is not safe at Christmas time, but what about outside?

Everyone prays for a White Christmas and many kids run outside to rejoice whenever the snow does fall... but this is now a very unwise move. Judging by recent 'snowfall', there's every chance that the white flakes falling to the ground are the radioactive remains of some blown-up spaceship that's been lurking above our atmosphere. It's even worse if you happen to be part of the monarchy, as there's a chance a lifesize Titanic replica might be crashing into your residence.

It's only a matter of time before some alien hatches a plot to activate all the oven-cooked turkeys on our dinner tables and turn them into killers, hurling explosive-filled sprouts as grenades. That plot development would be about as plausible as the rise of the Cyber King during Christmas back in 1841!