UK Edition
Feeds
For many years drunken conversation amongst Whovians could often descend into Top Trumps inspired hypothetical debates about which monsters would win in a fight. Could a Dalek exterminate a Tyrannosaurus Rex before being chomped? Would a grizzly bear maul a lone Ice Warrior? Could Jade Goody talk a Sontaran into topping itself? As for how a Cyberman would fare against a pterodactyl, a Torchwood episode entitled ’Cyberwoman’ gave us a pretty good idea…
The Context
Men can often be a bit secretive about their girlfriends. Sometimes it might be because they have a hairy mole in the middle of their face, or perhaps an irritating personality, or even worse - they’re a rampant Westlife fan. But for Torchwood’s seemingly stoic chauffeur Ianto Jones, hiding his missus down in the basement was something far more sinister.
His girlfriend Lisa was partially converted into a Cyberwoman when the metallic monsters took over Torchwood One at Canary Wharf during their battle with the Daleks in the Doctor Who episode ‘Doomsday’. Brave Ianto saved her from the wreckage and secretly stashed her in the lower lairs of the Cardiff Torchwood. But she’s now charged up her energy supplies and goes on the rampage in her bid to upgrade anyone around her…
The Moment
Captain Jack, newly back from the dead, tries to fend off Cyberwoman Lisa with a blow torch and then grabs a plastic bottle and squirts its contents over his foe. Jack explains that the liquid “is a kind of barbecue sauce… it helps it identify its prey.”
The ‘it’ in question immediately becomes apparent as a loud screeching is heard. From up above, Torchwood’s pet pterodactyl descends and swoops in for a quick snack. Round One goes to the prehistoric creature as the Cyberwoman is swept off her feet. Not romantically, mind you. That would just be wrong - even by Torchwood’s standards!
Round Two sees a Rocky Balboa style fight back from Ianto’s cyber squeeze as she grabs the pterodactyl by its neck and delivers a swift right hander to its ugly mug. More thrashing around continues, coupled with Ianto’s ringside bawling, until the winged dinosaur gets its opponent in the ropes (or the floor at least) and starts pecking away at will. Pterodactyl wins by K.O.
The Aftermath
A pizza delivery girl is confronted by Lisa - miraculously still alive, although her body is covered in bloody wounds from all the pecking. Instead of carrying a stuffed crust, the pizza delivery girl soon has her head stuffed full with Lisa’s brain. After the transplant she tries to convince a weeping Ianto that they can “both be upgraded together".
The Torchwood team arrives on the scene and shoot her. What if she was only suggesting new mobile phone handsets for her and Ianto?
