Desperately seeking...

It's been a while again... Lots of changes in my life recently... Moved out of London, living in a pretty village, moved in with a new partner, got a job interview for a big promotion so all should be fine. But it's not
I really want sleep, I really want to feel secure and I want to feel that I have done the right thing. I don't know what to think now. I have come off the nicotine patches and I do not think that it has helped. Maybe I should put one back on.
I want to be a supportive, selfless loving person, and maybe I am not. Maybe I am so screwed up that it is all just me being stupid and throwing away the things, the person, I want because I am mindful of being hurt again. In my mind I am not doing this, but I seem to be imperfect now and I just see the bad things in what I do. I really want tonnes of fags and a bottle of jack and some very cheesy snacks - i.e. all the things I should not want. None of them will provide the answer, nor will they help. I need the happiness I felt yesterday when I felt strong and happy and full of purpose. I just do not see how the smallest of issues seems to have magnified into this sort of doubt.
Anyway, I have bored you all enough with this. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better, not so full of self pity.
Toodle pip...