Altercation with in-laws - General Discussion

PamelaL · 02-10-2005, 17:26

I've spent the afternoon in a crappy pub in Dudley with my in-laws as it is my husband's nephew's birthday. The altercation occurred because I don't use Andy's last name. Today for some reason my MIL decided to take me to task over it with the back-up and some eye raising of her two daughters. She insisted it didn't matter what I thought and that as I was married to her son that meant my last name was Y. I held my own and let them know I had no intention of changing my name and that my last name is X. I think a Mexican stand off is in place.

Why does it bother them if my husband is quite happy with my decision?

Next I was taken to task because I signed the birthday card, Love Pamela and Andy. I was informed that it should have been Aunty Pamela and Uncle Andy. I said I would prefer to be known as Pamela. My own nephew and nieces don't even call me Aunty Pamela. I think it is a little condescending to insist they call me Aunty Pamela. More raising of eyes to the ceiling occurred and in full view of me as well.

Grrrr in-laws and Sunday lunch, who'd bloody have 'em?

AdamB4U · 02-10-2005, 17:29

Quote:

Originally Posted by PamelaL

I've spent the afternoon...in Dudley

It was never going to be a good afternoon, was it?

trash80 · 02-10-2005, 17:31

i think i'm the only person in the world whos never had problem with my in-laws lol

PamelaL · 02-10-2005, 17:32

Quote:

Originally Posted by AdamB4U

It was never going to be a good afternoon, was it?

Suffice it to say Adam, a pub in Dudley would never have been my choice.

batgirl · 02-10-2005, 17:32

Bloody hell Pamela. Have a cyber G&T on me. Have two.

xx

(Been there. My personal pet hate is being addressed as Mrs First and Surname of husband. I've had many a battle with MIL about this.)

Bigg Ron · 02-10-2005, 17:33

And you thought I was a pain in the arse

kimindex · 02-10-2005, 17:34

God, why do some people have to control others? It's not as if it's all that unusual these days not to change your name. Why don't you call her by her maiden name and tell her it doesn't matter what she thinks because, as far as you're concerned, she shouldn't have changed her name.

How bloody dare they tell another adult what she should and shouldn't call herself?

PamelaL · 02-10-2005, 17:34

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bigg Ron

And you thought I was a pain in the arse

LOL

I'm feeling better already, thanks everyone.

scn123 · 02-10-2005, 17:35

I'm lucky we live so far away from my father in law - when we did live in England he never bothered to contact us that much anyway. We've never fallen out - it's just his new wifes family is more important to him

. My hubby loves my parents and treats them as his own - his dad's loss, I'm afraid...

But if both you and your husband are happy with it - what does it matter what they think - you married him not them - you did right standing your ground!

trash80 · 02-10-2005, 17:35

i think when i get married again i'll change my name to my wife's just to annoy my mum

Bossyboots · 02-10-2005, 17:36

I agree with you on the point about your name. It is your choice but presumably MIL is of a generation when women took their husband's name and nothing you say or do is likely to change her mind. Perhaps you should be pleased that she is happy for you to have the family name instead of trying to run you out of town!

As for the nephew, I think the compromise should be Uncle Andy and Pamela. I insist on my nephews and niece calling me aunty, it is a title I am proud of and distinguishes our relationship from that of the friends of my brothers and sisters-in-law. (I admit I also use it to indulge in a bit of silliness and spoiling) It is your choice not to be called aunty but if Andy has always been called uncle then you ought to respect that. If he doesn't want to be called uncle then perhaps it is up to him to say so and remove you from that particular firing line.

At least this is brought out into the open. My in-laws used to take my husband aside and complain to him which always caused a problem between us as I could never have my say. The upshot eventually was that I avoided them like the plague and that meant that he hardly saw them either.

I think part of the problem is that ages ago families lived more or less in each other's pockets and the older generations more or less dictated what the younger ones did and copy cat households were formed. In this day of independent women, that no longer works but the generations above us have difficulty in accepting this.

kimindex · 02-10-2005, 17:37

Quote:

Originally Posted by trash80

i think when i get married again i'll change my name to my wife's just to annoy my mum

It would be very interesting to hear MIL's reaction if Andy told his mum he was going to do that!

Little Bleeder · 02-10-2005, 17:39

As my mum would say - keep smiling and think of the inheritance!

My ex in-laws insist on calling my daughter by her father's surname, even though I registered her birth with mine. They even opened her a bank account in that name. I think it's a ploy so she'll have to change her name to get the money.

PamelaL · 02-10-2005, 17:40

Bossyboots, I agree with you re. the uncle and aunt thing. I'm more than happy for him to be addressed as Uncle Andy if he wants, I don't think it bothers him either way. The card was signed that way with no intention whatsoever, it's how I sign all cards and I didn't even think as I was doing it. If I had thought I probably would have signed it Uncle Andy and Pamela.

You're right it is a good thing that it has been brought out into the open. I think we have been dancing around this little situation for far too long now.

That Bloke · 02-10-2005, 17:43

Quote:

Originally Posted by shyfoxcub

They even opened her a bank account in that name. I think it's a ploy so she'll have to change her name to get the money.

How did they manage to do that? I thought that you needed proof of identity to open a bank account these days?

Might be worth contacting the bank and explaining that the wrong name is on the account and could they please ammend it.

Midspan · 02-10-2005, 17:46

Quote:

Originally Posted by PamelaL

... as I was married to her son that meant my last name was Y...

Unusual. Is it Asian?

PamelaL · 02-10-2005, 17:48

Quote:

Originally Posted by Midspan

Unusual. Is it Asian?

AdamB4U · 02-10-2005, 17:48

Quote:

Originally Posted by Midspan

Unusual. Is it Asian?

I think it must be. Allthough YOYOY is traditionally British.

kimindex · 02-10-2005, 17:49

You didn't do something provocative like not ordering the roast dinner, did you?

PamelaL · 02-10-2005, 17:50

Quote:

Originally Posted by kimindex

You didn't do something provocative like not ordering the roast dinner, did you?

LOL Kim, how well you're getting to know me.

I didn't order the roast dinner but instead went with a vegetarian pasta.

I remember my first Christmas here in 2002, we went to Andy's mother's house for Christmas lunch. Not long after we got there all the men started to move as if they were going out somewhere. I was a little perplexed wondering what the bloody hell was going on. They were all off to the pub while the women stayed behind to cook the hot roast dinner.

I have never been so gobsmacked in my whole life. I didn't even think pubs were open on Christmas day.

02-10-2005, 17:51

Quote:

Originally Posted by PamelaL

I've spent the afternoon in a crappy pub in Dudley with my in-laws as it is my husband's nephew's birthday. The altercation occurred because I don't use Andy's last name. Today for some reason my MIL decided to take me to task over it with the back-up and some eye raising of her two daughters. She insisted it didn't matter what I thought and that as I was married to her son that meant my last name was Y. I held my own and let them know I had no intention of changing my name and that my last name is X. I think a Mexican stand off is in place.

Why does it bother them if my husband is quite happy with my decision?

Next I was taken to task because I signed the birthday card, Love Pamela and Andy. I was informed that it should have been Aunty Pamela and Uncle Andy. I said I would prefer to be known as Pamela. My own nephew and nieces don't even call me Aunty Pamela. I think it is a little condescending to insist they call me Aunty Pamela. More raising of eyes to the ceiling occurred and in full view of me as well.

Grrrr in-laws and Sunday lunch, who'd bloody have 'em?

Don't let me ever hear you bad mouth Sunday lunch again!

Oh, Just tell the MIL to rack off!

kimindex · 02-10-2005, 17:52

Quote:

Originally Posted by PamelaL

LOL Kim, how well you're getting to know me.

I didn't order the roast dinner but instead went with a vegetarian pasta.

There was bound to be trouble after that!

02-10-2005, 17:53

Quote:

Originally Posted by PamelaL

I've spent the afternoon in a crappy pub in Dudley with my in-laws as it is my husband's nephew's birthday. The altercation occurred because I don't use Andy's last name. Today for some reason my MIL decided to take me to task over it with the back-up and some eye raising of her two daughters. She insisted it didn't matter what I thought and that as I was married to her son that meant my last name was Y. I held my own and let them know I had no intention of changing my name and that my last name is X. I think a Mexican stand off is in place.

Why does it bother them if my husband is quite happy with my decision?

Next I was taken to task because I signed the birthday card, Love Pamela and Andy. I was informed that it should have been Aunty Pamela and Uncle Andy. I said I would prefer to be known as Pamela. My own nephew and nieces don't even call me Aunty Pamela. I think it is a little condescending to insist they call me Aunty Pamela. More raising of eyes to the ceiling occurred and in full view of me as well.

Grrrr in-laws and Sunday lunch, who'd bloody have 'em?

The phrase "piss off and mind your own business, you interfering old cow, and if you call me Mrs Y it had better be behind my back, because if it's to my face you'll regret it in a most physical way - do you understand?" would have entered the conversation had it been me in your shoes, Pamela. It's best not to get too upset by people who're as stupid and conceited as your in-laws seem to be over this issue, or worse still to try and reason with someone who's being unreasonable - the very stupidity and conceit that prompted their behaviour in the first place gets in the way of any efforts to be sensible. Better to communicate on a more base level that they're at least able to understand, I find.

batgirl · 02-10-2005, 17:54

Quote:

Originally Posted by PamelaL

LOL Kim, how well you're getting to know me.

I didn't order the roast dinner but instead went with a vegetarian pasta.

What did you expect then...

(Been there too - my MIL will not be told that chicken soup is no good to a veggie

)

PamelaL · 02-10-2005, 17:55

It's interesting how other people's families can be like a foreign country.

02-10-2005, 17:26	#1
PamelaL Forum Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Worcestershire Posts: 55,230	Altercation with in-laws I've spent the afternoon in a crappy pub in Dudley with my in-laws as it is my husband's nephew's birthday. The altercation occurred because I don't use Andy's last name. Today for some reason my MIL decided to take me to task over it with the back-up and some eye raising of her two daughters. She insisted it didn't matter what I thought and that as I was married to her son that meant my last name was Y. I held my own and let them know I had no intention of changing my name and that my last name is X. I think a Mexican stand off is in place. Why does it bother them if my husband is quite happy with my decision? Next I was taken to task because I signed the birthday card, Love Pamela and Andy. I was informed that it should have been Aunty Pamela and Uncle Andy. I said I would prefer to be known as Pamela. My own nephew and nieces don't even call me Aunty Pamela. I think it is a little condescending to insist they call me Aunty Pamela. More raising of eyes to the ceiling occurred and in full view of me as well. Grrrr in-laws and Sunday lunch, who'd bloody have 'em?

02-10-2005, 17:31	#3
trash80 Banned User Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: B'ham / Metro Manila Services: Telewest TV, Phone & BB, DAB Posts: 20,752	i think i'm the only person in the world whos never had problem with my in-laws lol

02-10-2005, 17:32	#5
batgirl Forum Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: the cleaning cupboard Services: cats Posts: 14,424	Bloody hell Pamela. Have a cyber G&T on me. Have two. xx (Been there. My personal pet hate is being addressed as Mrs First and Surname of husband. I've had many a battle with MIL about this.)

02-10-2005, 17:33	#6
Bigg Ron Banned User Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Land Of The Crows Posts: 751	And you thought I was a pain in the arse

02-10-2005, 17:34	#7
kimindex Forum Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Cornwall (ex-London) Posts: 40,038	God, why do some people have to control others? It's not as if it's all that unusual these days not to change your name. Why don't you call her by her maiden name and tell her it doesn't matter what she thinks because, as far as you're concerned, she shouldn't have changed her name. How bloody dare they tell another adult what she should and shouldn't call herself?

02-10-2005, 17:35	#9
scn123 Banned User Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: France Posts: 866	I'm lucky we live so far away from my father in law - when we did live in England he never bothered to contact us that much anyway. We've never fallen out - it's just his new wifes family is more important to him . My hubby loves my parents and treats them as his own - his dad's loss, I'm afraid... But if both you and your husband are happy with it - what does it matter what they think - you married him not them - you did right standing your ground!

02-10-2005, 17:36	#11
Bossyboots Forum Member Join Date: May 2003 Posts: 3,079	I agree with you on the point about your name. It is your choice but presumably MIL is of a generation when women took their husband's name and nothing you say or do is likely to change her mind. Perhaps you should be pleased that she is happy for you to have the family name instead of trying to run you out of town! As for the nephew, I think the compromise should be Uncle Andy and Pamela. I insist on my nephews and niece calling me aunty, it is a title I am proud of and distinguishes our relationship from that of the friends of my brothers and sisters-in-law. (I admit I also use it to indulge in a bit of silliness and spoiling) It is your choice not to be called aunty but if Andy has always been called uncle then you ought to respect that. If he doesn't want to be called uncle then perhaps it is up to him to say so and remove you from that particular firing line. At least this is brought out into the open. My in-laws used to take my husband aside and complain to him which always caused a problem between us as I could never have my say. The upshot eventually was that I avoided them like the plague and that meant that he hardly saw them either. I think part of the problem is that ages ago families lived more or less in each other's pockets and the older generations more or less dictated what the younger ones did and copy cat households were formed. In this day of independent women, that no longer works but the generations above us have difficulty in accepting this.

02-10-2005, 17:39	#13
Little Bleeder Forum Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: South Mid Wales Services: Sky for All Posts: 1,249	As my mum would say - keep smiling and think of the inheritance! My ex in-laws insist on calling my daughter by her father's surname, even though I registered her birth with mine. They even opened her a bank account in that name. I think it's a ploy so she'll have to change her name to get the money.

02-10-2005, 17:40	#14
PamelaL Forum Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Worcestershire Posts: 55,230	Bossyboots, I agree with you re. the uncle and aunt thing. I'm more than happy for him to be addressed as Uncle Andy if he wants, I don't think it bothers him either way. The card was signed that way with no intention whatsoever, it's how I sign all cards and I didn't even think as I was doing it. If I had thought I probably would have signed it Uncle Andy and Pamela. You're right it is a good thing that it has been brought out into the open. I think we have been dancing around this little situation for far too long now.

02-10-2005, 17:49	#19
kimindex Forum Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Cornwall (ex-London) Posts: 40,038	You didn't do something provocative like not ordering the roast dinner, did you?

02-10-2005, 17:55	#25
PamelaL Forum Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Worcestershire Posts: 55,230	It's interesting how other people's families can be like a foreign country.