[plusman]

Following on from the revelations that Sky installers have undergone additional training in order to install the new Shy HD systems and leave the customer more satisfied after the installation, ( http://forum.digitalspy.co.uk/board/...d.php?t=352457 )
I though it might be useful to recount my experience of getting one of the first Sky HD systems installed today…..


The doorbell rang. I was full of excitement as I walked towards the door. My new Sky HD system was arriving and the Sky customer service representative with her soft, far-away Asio-Glaswegian accent had said that I was to be one of the first to have it delivered along with Sky's new "At-Home, High-Definition, High-Fidelity Customer Service". Eagerly I opened the door and gasped.

The figure that greeted me seemed at least eight-feet tall, dressed in a flowing grey-coloured woollen cloak, his wizened face almost obscured by a long straggly grey beard, a crooked conical hat set upon his head. But it was his opal blue eyes that were most noticeable, eyes that could pierce your soul, eyes so bright and vibrant, that it was almost like looking into a pool of the elixir of life. Eyes that were somehow beyond reality. Eyes that could take you to a new dimension. Eyes that could capture a heart and soul so tenaciously ….. that it took me what seemed a lifetime to realise that I was staring at a television screen, a screen full of such vibrant colour and detail that it was almost beyond belief.

Somebody coughed.

I looked down and saw a small figure dressed in a short flowing grey woollen cloak, with a short straggly beard, his face almost obscured by a strange, battered conical hat. He couldn't have been more than three feet tall. Around him there were more of these strange creatures, human-like yet not fully human. They were all short, but did not appear to be children, and all wore smart blue overalls, with a discreet "Sky HD" logo embroidered on the left hand side. But it was their feet that were most noticeable - feet that seemed out of proportion to their stature. Long, broad hairy feet, as if they had been transplanted from a much larger, more-beastly being. There must have been more than a dozen of them. Some of them were precariously balancing a huge plasma television on their heads, others were holding oversized electric drills, more were carrying what appeared to be long tubes of sealant, yet another was almost invisible - except for the feet - behind a tangle of thick, black cable.

Somebody coughed again. I looked back at the small grey figure. Our eyes met and my heart deflated. His eyes were not like the ones on the screen. Though they were blue, somehow they were, well, just normal. Just ordinary blue eyes, only lifelike, nothing more. It was as if I had glimpsed a life so wonderful, so extraordinary, for just an instant, and then it was gone.

He smiled and spoke softly "We hope you enjoyed your first taste of Sky HD. After anybody has seen it once, we usually find that they find it difficult to get back to normal, mundane reality. After Sky HD, everything else just seems so ordinary, so washed out. Once you've seen HD and been captured by it, it is impossible to go back. You have been caught in its spell and only death or non-payment of your subscription can release you. And even then it can only release you to life of misery. See him over there.."

He pointed towards a van sitting on my driveway. A wretched creature with oily, blotchy skin, bulging sad eyes, dressed in nothing more than a lion cloth, sat hunched down beside the van greedily eating what appeared to be a raw fish. He continued "He once had all that Sky HD had to offer but forgot to pay his monthly subscription. He had his Sky HD viewing card taken from him and now look at him. Not even L'Oreal V05 Vaseline Extra Nutri-Skincare with added l. casei immunitatis and coco-flower extract can treat his skin condition. He is a miserable creature continually begging us to give him back his Sky HD. But we cannot. He has committed the ultimate crime by letting his subscription lapse, and now look at him. He is doomed.

I bring him here as a warning to you. So that you too can see what happens if you do not pay your subscription. Be warned!". His voice appeared to boom and resonate as if in Dolby 7.1 Digital THS with active sub-woofer.

The short creature smiled again and spoke jovially "Now that we have that over and done with we can carry on with the installation of your new Sky HD system".

It was only then that I noticed the long gnarled wooden staff in his left hand. He raised it, kept it raised for an instant of heightened expectation, and then plunged it down onto the driveway tarmac. The earth seemed to explode and a light intense as a supernova blinded me, my hands instinctively shielding my face. It was some moments before I could see again, my eyes watering and blinking furiously, trying to regain their vision. They had all disappeared, except for the van and the wretched creature beside it, still slobbering over his fish.

The van was in the usual Sky decoration of faux leopard skin with a green frog motif, with the Sky logo emblazoned on the side. But underneath it in vibrant 3D orange lettering were the words:

"One dish to rule them all, One Box to find them, One Card to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them".

The words "High Definition" had been hastily scrawled above and between the words "One" and "Box".

A hammering and crashing sounded from inside the house. I rushed back indoors into my living room. It was in uproar. These small creatures were scurrying around, dust was flying everywhere, holes were being drilled willy-nilly in every wall, furniture was thrown hastily into one corner, the carpet has been ripped up and cables were hanging from the ceiling. It was just like the nightmare that was my last Sky installation when my beloved Sky+ box had been installed.

I felt a tug at my shoulder. The grey-cloaked figure was standing there, still smiling. "Don't worry. These are a highly trained team of installers. Come let me show you where we have placed your multi-room Sky+ system". Guiding me out of the door, he led me to the front room. It was only then that I noticed that his feet were encased in light-blue coloured overshoes with a just visible Sky logo.

"Ah. You've noticed. This is all part of the new Sky High-Definition, High-Fidelity Customer Service. We're all now obliged to wear overshoes in customer's houses. Mind you, trying to find the right size for some of that lot back there took some doing I can tell you. We had to search all the markets in Middle-Sbrough to find the right ones. Dodging those Black Riders in their white vans and Escort GTi's wasn't easy. But we made it, and lived to tell the tale".

My front room had been transformed. In the corner my 10-year old black & white 12" Matsui television had been replaced by a 32" LCD widescreen with giga-pixel technology and automatic white balance correction. Underneath it was my beloved Sky+ box. It had been burnished to a deep shine, and seemed to glow.

"We refurbished your Sky+ box, and replaced the hard drive with a larger one. Remember though that you must only use no more than half the capacity of the new hard disk. We have reserved the other half for our purposes, and beware what might befall thee if ye should intrude upon our territory". His voice had taken on a menacing quality that I found unsettling.

A small desk had been set up in the opposite corner. A bright red telephone sat in the centre. Sitting behind it was one of the small creatures, his head tilted to one side, looking at me expectantly. He seemed almost childlike, innocent. Until it smiled, and then I could see it's fierce pointed teeth.

"This is your new personal Sky HD Customer Service desk. No longer do you have to phone up some unknown customer service centre in some strange far-away land using a premium rate phone call to spend an inordinate amount of time waiting before getting through to somebody who refuses to answer your questions because they are not on the script. Now all you have to do is pick up your phone in the other room and it will be directly connected through to here, answered instantly and you will receive personal attention from your customer service agent who has access to our new Highly Organised Brilliantly Balanced Information Technology Service, or HOBBITS for short, and he will sort out any problems you have with your Sky system. It's all part of our new Customer Service regime".

I was amazed. This was not the Sky that had come to know. This was a new and better Sky. A caring, sharing kind-of Sky.

My arm was tugged again and the grey cloaked figure brought me back to the living room.

The chaos and mess of a few minutes ago was gone. My room was in pristine condition. The walls and ceiling had been repainted, the furniture cleaned and refurbished, event the carpet had been washed and mended. And against one wall was the largest plasma screen that I had ever seen, and below it, was my new Sky HD box. It was black coloured, but a black whose blackness was blacker than any black I had ever not seen before. And in its centre was a glowing red eye, an eye which seemed to shimmer and burn, an eye that slowly pulled you in and captivated you, an eye that could eat your soul…

My thoughts were interrupted as the strange grey figure spoke once again.

"As part of our new, improved customer service, we have been asked by Sky to leave customer's homes cleaner and tidier than we found them. So here you are, it’s all part of the service".

"Now we need to determine what Sky HD package best suits you"

He flicked a finger towards a strange tall creature that I noticed then for the very first time. He was taller than the others, taller than myself in fact, and seemed to be more man than tree.

"This is our Energetic New Trainee, or ENT" said the small grey figure as he was hoisted up by the taller figure. He took off his strange conical hat and placed it on my head saying "This sorting hat will determine which Sky package you should be on".

As he placed the hat on my head, it seemed to come alive and I heard it speaking in a strange Leslie Phillips-type of voice:

"Mmmmm. Now let me see. Which package should you be on? Oh yes. Now, Should you be on the Hufflepuffy package of UKTV, Reality Gold and dating text. No. That doesn't seem right. Maybe it should be the Raventooth and Claw package of Premiership Plus and MTV. No. No. maybe you are a perfect Slithering, one who should watch the evil quiz channels which eat your brains and take your money. Yes, yes perhaps you are one of these. But no, no. Something greater is in store for you. You are special. You are chosen. You are the one who should join the GrifRhysJonesDor package of all the Sky channels including the High Definition Test Card. Yes you are definitely chosen. This is the package for you!"

The hat was removed from my head, and the ENT gently lowered the grey cloaked figure back to the ground.

"Ah. I see the hat has chosen wisely for you. You are one of the chosen few. No longer need you travel far and wide to seek what you are missing. It all shall come to you. You shall be the master of all you view".

He reached into the folds of his cloak and brought out a gold-coloured piece of plastic. It was a HD Viewing card. It was MY HD viewing card. All mine. Nobody else's. He seemed reluctant to give it to me. I grabbed it. He fought to hold onto it, but I was bigger and stronger. And it was MINE. All MINE. I wrenched it from his grip.

At last I had it. It was in my hands. It sparkled. It seemed alive. It spoke to me of great possibilities, of great series, movies, advertisements, scantily clad hostesses, red dots, interactive text. It was mine all mine. Looking at it closely I could see an inscription etched into the card, in a long-forgotten language. I smiled knowingly. I knew what it meant. It was my card, and with it I could rule the satellites. I alone could choose what I wanted to watch. No longer would I be a Sour Man. No now I would be the one. The one who could answer and win the Great British Quiz.

A piece of paper was thrust into my hand along with a pen. It was the engineer's job sheet and new subscription terms and conditions. I scribbled my signature on it, my mind focused only on my new viewing card. MY new HD viewing card.

I was vaguely aware of what the grey cloaked figure was saying as he left the room, his voice echoing "Remember what I, Rupert of Mordor Orc, the Lord of the Dishes, have said to you. Guard your viewing card carefully and pay your subscription diligently. Otherwise a great harm will befall you and you will be cast out of the promised land of High Definition into the wilderness. You have been warned!"

With those last words he was gone.

But I didn't care as I held tightly onto the card. It was all mine. Nobody, not even any other members of the family, would get near the card. It was MINE and I would use it to view what I wanted. Even if over time I became so obsessed with my viewing that I would be almost invisible to them, I wouldn't mind. I had entered a new era of viewing. I was now in a land beyond reality, I was in High Fidelity High Definition. And it was all mine.

My hand shook as I slowly placed the card in the slot…….

[samm]

....yawn....

[m1cks]

I could tell you of my experiance with Sky... But you proberbly wouldent belive it

[calston]

My understanding was that it will not be availible until next month??!!??

[Dung hole Dave]

ill have a pint of whatever you are on

[Glenn24v]

Plusman, have you been taking those mindbending substances again? What a lot of ***** !

[Dan27]

That was superb.

[andybno1]

what the f*** has he been smokin lol

[POPMAN]

Someone with way too much time on their hands.

[Alex Oughton]

double you tee eff mate?

[king123]

to much excitement

[billybob]

it will all end in tears before bedtime.

[coopermanyorks]

Hi

Anyone para phrase ?

[uncletufty]

Someone's been shopping and smoking at the "Grey Area" on singels rd in Amsterdam haven't they!.
Other than that.
Please continue,you've wetted our ap's.
So whats the rest of the story.

[kpow99]

Jesus!!!!, so did you get HD installed in the end? thought I'd skip war and peace and get to the point.

[Sam Radford.]

Plusman, this magazine is *paying* for articles like that!
http://www.technology-at-home.co.uk