[Luxxy]

Obviously a complete piss take and I wouldn't be surprised if it was from the same person, but these reviews of Katie Price and Peter Andre's album 'A Whole New World' is very funny!


A sample below!

I Cried Strange Tears, 22 Dec 2006
Reviewer: Daniel J. North "Dan" (UK) - See all my reviews

When i first put this CD on i dropped to my knees and wept. They were strange tears, full of both the sublime meloncholy of the knowledge that i would never hear music better than this again. But they where also tears of joyous rapture, because i had the knowledge that i was there! I was there when the pinacle of audio perfection was reached and would never be bettered!

After listening to this, i feel different. A different person, a better person. Colours are sharper, sounds are clearer. It's like this album has opened window to my soul and exposed it to the world!

Simply stunning!

[aerogirl]

some people really have to much time on there hands lol

[Sloopy]

It's amazing how descriptive some people can be

[Rugby Rose]

That is just too funny. I love the response from 'Jordan' herself too. lol

[Woowookid]

Pure comedy genius from those reviewers!

I loved this one:
"Just before I was born, my mother refused to buy clothes pegs from an old Gipsy woman that came to our door, the old gipsy woman said that from that day forward, my mother would be cursed, struck blind and crippled with arthritis. Unfortunately, it was me that was blind and crippled with arthritis, that was until I heard Katie and Peter's hot new LP.

I was sat there blind and in pain with my joints as usual and "A whole new world" came on the stereo. It was like magic, I began to see lights and then colours, and before I knew it, I could see everything. It truly was "A Whole New World".

If there are any other people in my predicament that are reading this, then dont hesitate, it really is "A Whole New World""

Brilliant.

[Agent Krycek]

Those reviews are brilliant, comic genius

This one nearly made with cry with laughter

I've always loved music of all types whether sparce Belgian techno or dark jungle, gabba or handbag cheese, trip-hop or progressive, uplifting Italian piano or down and grimy speed garage, drum AND base or good ol' fashioned nosebleed, but today.... today something new, something ground breaking has literally assaulted my ears like a sonic enema, purging everything that I thought I knew about music, leaving me feeling washed out, cleansed and ready to leave behind the old me, what I used to be, leaving me ready, ready for a whole new world.

I ripped this CD into MP3, put on my iPod and as the first notes hit me, I sat bolt upright, like, like...... like a puppy that's been trodden on, and I ran, ran through the house, down the hall and straight through the closed patio doors, shards of glass embedding in me as I danced around the garden, leaping like Bambi might have done if Bambi had been shot in the butt with a .177 air pellet.

I don't remember what happened next, but when the final track, 'Lullaby', ended I was tapping my foot and clicking my fingers in the first class section of a plane to Denver, Colarado. Naked.

My hair is now completely white and I twitch more than I used to, but the doctors say that's normal and have prescribed thorozine, but nothing, nothing, NOTHING beats the new high that I have found in this album.

I wonder if it's possible to make albums like this in bathroom laboratories to be shipped out for unknowing young ravers worldwide....?

What a buzz!! *Locks door and puts CD in player*

[**Loopy_star**]

they are sooo funny these people need reviewing jobs at magazine etc.
this is my favourite:
I was born deaf. I have never heard any sound, a child laughing, the sea washing up the beach, the wind in the trees. All these sounds are alien to me and I will never know what beauty they hold. I am also completely blind. I have never seen a setting sun, a flower bloom or David Beckham. But for one brief moment last week I heard sounds and saw sights for the first time in my life. My wife bought "A Whole new World" by Peter Andre and the Jordans. The second she put it on, I was transported to a world of colour and the sounds of angels. I could see, I could hear. Tears rolled down my face as I saw my wifes face for the first time, even the revelation of her hideous features could not detract from the majesty of the voices of Peter and Jordan soaring like eagles through a sun kissed sky. I rose from my chair and carressed the cd jewel case, sounds and sights filling my senses. For 37 minutes I was a normal person, filled with joy. Then the CD stopped, and I returned to a world of silence and darkness. I stumbled into a coffee table and fell face first into the stereo system, shattering it, and my teeth into a thousand pieces. My wife has since hidden the CD. I spoke to my doctor on the phone, and he confirmed that there is no medical explanation for my temporary cure. He also said that he had many patients come to him with temporary miracle cures occuring whilst listening to the god given album. For a full 37 minutes, Didier Drogba managed to run without falling over, Geraint Jones remained at the crease and Barry from the Cillit Bang commercials lost his voice.
There is only one explanation - Somehow, Peter and Jordan have managed to create work of such wonder and power, that it is the embodiment of our lord Jesus Christ. It is, for all intents and purposes, the second coming.

[pepperpot]

ok, ususally I just lurk and read the threads here, but I just had to post and thank the opening poster for this link, I've been crying with laughter

One of my favourites:

Strictly no sarcasm - a great record, 15 Dec 2006

Reviewer: D. A. WEBLEY-PARRY "Eager Dad Jnr" (Wales)

Just when I thought the greatest albums in the world were performed by the likes of Iron Maiden, Trivium, Judas Priest and Metallica, I have been proved wrong. This record is perhaps the most perfect album ever created. From the opening blast of "A Whole New World" through to the majestic "Lullaby", I sat alone, smiling and crying due to the sheer delight and perfection that this record offers. Scenes of playful puppies, tweeting birds and gambolling lambs flood into my mind, reminding me of happy times and the thoughts of those I love. Their voices soar like eagles, and the sheer non-commercialism of this album makes you feel proud to have bought it.

Who needs studio machinery that can iron out any imperfections in your voice when you've got talent like this? Top marks! I shall cherish this record forever.

[topdoris]

Genius! Thanks for the link OP.

[Chaotic Lolly]

From another review

It is true to say that many great artists are never appreciated in their own time so I think just to be sure, Jordan and Peter should both be killed.

That's harsh but fair!

[Sloopy]

Originally Posted by Woowookid

Pure comedy genius from those reviewers!

I loved this one:
"Just before I was born, my mother refused to buy clothes pegs from an old Gipsy woman that came to our door, the old gipsy woman said that from that day forward, my mother would be cursed, struck blind and crippled with arthritis. Unfortunately, it was me that was blind and crippled with arthritis, that was until I heard Katie and Peter's hot new LP.

I was sat there blind and in pain with my joints as usual and "A whole new world" came on the stereo. It was like magic, I began to see lights and then colours, and before I knew it, I could see everything. It truly was "A Whole New World".

If there are any other people in my predicament that are reading this, then dont hesitate, it really is "A Whole New World""

That one is great. Perhaps if we listen to it we will all see the light and find 'A Whole New World'

Here's another one

This album, jokingly claimed to be by a pair of huge singing tits (Peter & Jordan), is quite simply the best CD ever. I put it on when I wake up and everything seems right with the world again. I would suggest the US & UK withdraw their troops from Iraq and Afghanistan and drop millions of copies of this CD over the middle east instead. Problems in that region will cease immediately and love will prevail, leaving us truly, with a whole new world.

[CarlLewis]

Speaking as a fan I must say that no 12 for the single and 20 for the album were a big disappointment.

Given their profile and the fact that proceeds went to charity they should have done a lot better.

It looks like Katie's pop career is a non-starter.

[Woowookid]

Originally Posted by CarlLewis

It looks like Katie's pop career is a non-starter.

Hooray!
The Great British Public are a lot more discerning than I believed then.

[Sloopy]

The fact that the proceeds were going to charity makes it seem as if we're supposed to buy it no matter how bad it undoubtedly is.

[phl99]

the album sold 160,000 so far. it isn't didn't do that badly really

[Mambo Italiano]

There is one incredible moment on this album and that is the nanosecond of silence just before the first track commences. In that moment the whole universe shivers for a second. the title is literal - even eponymous. This album is not just genre defining, it represents the ending of an epoch and the opening of a whole new world.

I can only agree with other reviewers about the overwhelming emotional response I had when I knew this album had been made (well...brought to life, really, since it was something that was predestined to "BE" - like a dormant succubus aroused by cavorting nude witches). I literally retched i was so overcome. I was lightheaded with exaltation. In fact I was so delirious I crossed the road with this on my ipod and was run over by a car. Amazingly I did not feel a thing.

I have only one complaint about this meisterwerk. The Price. It's far too low. Were there to be but one copy remaining in the world, and had my own copy been mysteriously burned in a catastrophic fire in which I had been unable to risk my life rescuing it, I would gladly sell my children into slavery to buy that last remaining disc.

Thank you Peter. Thank you Katie. I am looking at the world right now and as of now it really is completely new to me. I understand none of it. I am like a new born babe. My mind is a tabula rasa and you have written new instructions upon that page. I will now carry out your instructions to the letter...


I am crying with laugher.

[Channel Hopper]

Does anyone that posts here admit to buying it, or even downloading tracks (with the exception of that unedited live version,sadly removed from YouTube owing to 'private material ' claims from the orange duo ?)

[loddellbosh]

Originally Posted by Woowookid

Pure comedy genius from those reviewers!

I loved this one:
"Just before I was born, my mother refused to buy clothes pegs from an old Gipsy woman that came to our door, the old gipsy woman said that from that day forward, my mother would be cursed, struck blind and crippled with arthritis. Unfortunately, it was me that was blind and crippled with arthritis, that was until I heard Katie and Peter's hot new LP.

I was sat there blind and in pain with my joints as usual and "A whole new world" came on the stereo. It was like magic, I began to see lights and then colours, and before I knew it, I could see everything. It truly was "A Whole New World".

If there are any other people in my predicament that are reading this, then dont hesitate, it really is "A Whole New World""

Brilliant.

That one is fabulous, this line especially:

If there are any other people in my predicament that are reading this

[Mrs C]

This thread has made me soooo homesick for British humour..have been laughing my head off at the reviews! Just brilliant..should be a Xmas paperback

[Pickpuss]

Originally Posted by Channel Hopper

Does anyone that posts here admit to buying it, or even downloading tracks (with the exception of that unedited live version,sadly removed from YouTube owing to 'private material ' claims from the orange duo ?)

Maybe Luxxy did, how else would they have come across this

[Luxxy]

Originally Posted by Pickpuss

Maybe Luxxy did, how else would they have come across this

Oi, no I didn't!!! I couldn't think of anything more worse!

A colleague at work emailed me the link!

[mary555]

A fantastic thread, thanks to the OP for beginning it.
I found this and think it tops the lot. My fave bit is in the middle and I've made it bold. Absolutely class!

I first heard this album while out walking my pet crocodile and felt a sudden urge to sink to my knees and thank the Lord above that at last someone had come along to rescue me from the hell of modern music.
What we have here my friends is a masterpiece, pure and simple and in the same way that Michelangelo stood back to admire the Sistine chapel I can imagine both Katie and her beloved husband Peter sat in that luxury recording studio sipping their Lambrini and fondling each other intently, their faces a picture of pure contentment as this, the epitome of melodic divinity played out over the huge Wharfedale speakers.
I cried like a baby when I heard them sing Endless Love as I'm sure you will. Katie price has the voice of a glamour model with a London accent, when she sings you can almost hear her. What about notes and scales and keeping in tune I hear you bleat! well let me say to you that when you are dealing with an astounding vocal enigma such as this then keeping in tune and singing real notes is merely a sideline, a tool if you will which you can choose to use or disregard as in this case, how refreshing.
Peter Andre is an Adonis of a man, when he sings cats dance and plaster falls from the walls, his Greek/Antipodean roots bring out the earthy soul in his velvety tones that only a bartender or chain smoker can usually render. When he takes the lead vocal in "The two of us" the roof comes down, then goes back up , then comes down before being catapulted into space with his trousers, eat your heart out Elvis Presley you have a successor at last!.
This is the best album ever made and you bloody know it, if Satan had a credit card he'd be ordering up a million copies and playing it all day long in the very depths of Hades, get it now before it's completely sold out everywhere!

[Esensuelle]

Just come across this, it's brilliant, thanks Lux!

[Jezebeth]

I can't comment, the screen is all blurry from the tears of laughter.

[redjay]

I read these a while ago sooo hilarious. I almost wet myself laughing.