Going to the toilet at work - General Discussion

Cairy Lunt · 17-05-2007, 12:06

Apologies if this is a disgusting subject

Something got brought up on another thread somewhere about visiting the loo during working hours and it got me thinking..

Based on my salary and hours spent at work (excluding holidays) i have worked out that my company pays me an average of £2.40 pence per cack. This is based on an 8 minute crap. From this i have ascertained that this company pays me £48 a month to poo and read the paper on their premises. ( i always make sure i get an 8-10 min trip to the works dunny every day)

Take out 5 weeks for hols and the company pay me £516.00 a year to dump on their time. Can't be bad eh.

Lesson to be learned here folks is always make sure you crap at work.

Out

Snozzwangler · 17-05-2007, 12:08

There's enough at work without me adding to it.

Swipe · 17-05-2007, 12:09

That's what is known as having a crap job.

RAINBOWGIRL22 · 17-05-2007, 12:11

I don't pooh at work

, I do however drink 2L of water a day and have a very weak bladder so I reckon I do OK based on Cairy Lunt's formula

SANDGATIAN · 17-05-2007, 12:20

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cairy Lunt

Apologies if this is a disgusting subject

Something got brought up on another thread somewhere about visiting the loo during working hours and it got me thinking..

Based on my salary and hours spent at work (excluding holidays) i have worked out that my company pays me an average of £2.40 pence per cack. This is based on an 8 minute crap. From this i have ascertained that this company pays me £48 a month to poo and read the paper on their premises. ( i always make sure i get an 8-10 min trip to the works dunny every day)

Take out 5 weeks for hols and the company pay me £516.00 a year to dump on their time. Can't be bad eh.

Lesson to be learned here folks is always make sure you crap at work.

Out

It'd be cheaper to dump you

lemoncurd · 17-05-2007, 12:38

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cairy Lunt

Apologies if this is a disgusting subject

Something got brought up on another thread somewhere about visiting the loo during working hours and it got me thinking..

Based on my salary and hours spent at work (excluding holidays) i have worked out that my company pays me an average of £2.40 pence per cack. This is based on an 8 minute crap. From this i have ascertained that this company pays me £48 a month to poo and read the paper on their premises. ( i always make sure i get an 8-10 min trip to the works dunny every day)

Take out 5 weeks for hols and the company pay me £516.00 a year to dump on their time. Can't be bad eh.

Lesson to be learned here folks is always make sure you crap at work.

Out

Don't forget the money saved on flushing at home! I hold back the turtle's head until I get into the office each morning and then curl one round the pan just before I leave, saving myself the cost of several gallons of water each day.

mrrobward · 17-05-2007, 12:42

I go to the toilet every hour or so and ring my girlfriend for 5 minutes or so. so 50p a trip to the toilet and 6 times a day makes £3. £15 a week and £60 a month, Just to go and ring my girlfriend. Wow!

peace flaps · 17-05-2007, 12:43

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cairy Lunt

8 minute crap

?!

what do you do in there? revise your cv?

17-05-2007, 12:43

very interesting thread

17-05-2007, 12:44

Quote:

Originally Posted by joemelling

?!

what do you do in there? revise your cv?

PMSL!

Cairy Lunt · 17-05-2007, 12:44

Quote:

Originally Posted by joemelling

?!

what do you do in there? revise your cv?

Read the paper, text etc etc

Why rush?

linfran · 17-05-2007, 12:46

Don't joke! It will give this nanny state the opportunity to employ even more "crap" inspectors than they already do.

El Guapo · 17-05-2007, 12:53

All it proves is that you are full of crap! lol

aquazi · 17-05-2007, 13:25

Very interesting... makes them pay me about £20 per day just to go on digital spy.

Dont really use the loo much here thou! Rather save it up on go when i get home.

jen0607 · 17-05-2007, 13:28

This thread made me laugh.

8 mins for a crap though........does your diet solely consist of hot vindaloos????

Cairy Lunt · 17-05-2007, 13:43

Can we just be clear about something here because maybe i didin't make myself understood at the outset.

I DO NOT spend the whole 8 mins in 'active crap' mode if you like. I might do all of the crap in the first minute and then relax and read the paper and if any other crap wants to come out during the 8 to 10 mins then so be it.

The actual 'crapping' part of the dunny visit does in no way make up the whole 8 mins. You've also got to factor in the post crap relax, afterthought and bottom wipe.

That said this is an average.

Porcupine · 17-05-2007, 13:45

Quote:

Originally Posted by lemoncurd

Don't forget the money saved on flushing at home! I hold back the turtle's head until I get into the office each morning and then curl one round the pan just before I leave, saving myself the cost of several gallons of water each day.

I think that is one of the grossest posts i have read today ..... and also one of the funniest

17-05-2007, 13:45

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cairy Lunt

Can we just be clear about something here because maybe i didin't make myself understood at the outset.

I DO NOT spend the whole 8 mins in 'active crap' mode if you like. I might do all of the crap in the first minute and then relax and read the paper and if any other crap wants to come out during the 8 to 10 mins then so be it.

The actual 'crapping' part of the dunny visit does in no way make up the whole 8 mins. You've also got to factor in the post crap relax, afterthought and bottom wipe.

That said this is an average.

ROFPMSL!

really , that made me laugh out loud

B3aten · 17-05-2007, 16:36

Do you still grin and bear the whole 8 mins in there even if you've been for a particularly odiferous post-Indian dump, or get out quick and make the time up the next time you curl one off?

Lady Hoot · 17-05-2007, 16:38

"Active-crap mode"

PMSL!!

Sloopy · 17-05-2007, 16:42

Oh dear, how this has made me larf.

'Active-crap mode'. Perhaps Wikipedia should create an article on that.

raymogy · 17-05-2007, 16:49

but dont forget the 15 minutes cigeartte break 4 times a day

ohmygosh · 17-05-2007, 16:55

For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.

Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water.
This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the
bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELETTE
A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Mandy_Rosie · 17-05-2007, 18:19

Quote:

Originally Posted by Swipe

That's what is known as having a crap job.

That made me laugh!

Little Ali · 17-05-2007, 19:06

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cairy Lunt

Can we just be clear about something here because maybe i didin't make myself understood at the outset.

I DO NOT spend the whole 8 mins in 'active crap' mode if you like. I might do all of the crap in the first minute and then relax and read the paper and if any other crap wants to come out during the 8 to 10 mins then so be it.

The actual 'crapping' part of the dunny visit does in no way make up the whole 8 mins. You've also got to factor in the post crap relax, afterthought and bottom wipe.

That said this is an average.

You can use some of your poo-time pay to buy me a new keyboard - I've just spat tea all over mine!

17-05-2007, 12:06	#1
Cairy Lunt Banned User Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 2,533	Going to the toilet at work Apologies if this is a disgusting subject Something got brought up on another thread somewhere about visiting the loo during working hours and it got me thinking.. Based on my salary and hours spent at work (excluding holidays) i have worked out that my company pays me an average of £2.40 pence per cack. This is based on an 8 minute crap. From this i have ascertained that this company pays me £48 a month to poo and read the paper on their premises. ( i always make sure i get an 8-10 min trip to the works dunny every day) Take out 5 weeks for hols and the company pay me £516.00 a year to dump on their time. Can't be bad eh. Lesson to be learned here folks is always make sure you crap at work. Out

17-05-2007, 12:08	#2
Snozzwangler Forum Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Betty landscaper Posts: 49,816	There's enough at work without me adding to it.

17-05-2007, 12:09	#3
Swipe Forum Member Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Shropshire Services: Virgin Media ADSL Broadband, Freeview Posts: 5,200	That's what is known as having a crap job.

17-05-2007, 12:11	#4
RAINBOWGIRL22 Forum Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 11,990	I don't pooh at work , I do however drink 2L of water a day and have a very weak bladder so I reckon I do OK based on Cairy Lunt's formula

17-05-2007, 12:42	#7
mrrobward Forum Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Stowmarket Services: Sky Digital, AOL Broadband. Posts: 672	I go to the toilet every hour or so and ring my girlfriend for 5 minutes or so. so 50p a trip to the toilet and 6 times a day makes £3. £15 a week and £60 a month, Just to go and ring my girlfriend. Wow!

17-05-2007, 12:43	#9
funky buddha Posts: n/a	very interesting thread

17-05-2007, 12:46	#12
linfran Forum Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: London Services: Virgin Media and Broadband Posts: 3,821	Don't joke! It will give this nanny state the opportunity to employ even more "crap" inspectors than they already do.

17-05-2007, 12:53	#13
El Guapo Forum Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: South East Services: Sky+, Talk & Broadband Posts: 3,163	All it proves is that you are full of crap! lol

17-05-2007, 13:25	#14
aquazi Forum Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Derby ♂ Services: LG DVR, Plusnet 8MB BB, Ipod Nano, Dell XPS, Wii, PS3 Posts: 1,114	Very interesting... makes them pay me about £20 per day just to go on digital spy. Dont really use the loo much here thou! Rather save it up on go when i get home.

17-05-2007, 13:28	#15
jen0607 Forum Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 9,196	This thread made me laugh. 8 mins for a crap though........does your diet solely consist of hot vindaloos????

17-05-2007, 13:43	#16
Cairy Lunt Banned User Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 2,533	Can we just be clear about something here because maybe i didin't make myself understood at the outset. I DO NOT spend the whole 8 mins in 'active crap' mode if you like. I might do all of the crap in the first minute and then relax and read the paper and if any other crap wants to come out during the 8 to 10 mins then so be it. The actual 'crapping' part of the dunny visit does in no way make up the whole 8 mins. You've also got to factor in the post crap relax, afterthought and bottom wipe. That said this is an average.

17-05-2007, 16:36	#19
B3aten Forum Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Gender: Male Location: Trumptonshire Services: The thinking womans idiot Posts: 3,089	Do you still grin and bear the whole 8 mins in there even if you've been for a particularly odiferous post-Indian dump, or get out quick and make the time up the next time you curl one off?

17-05-2007, 16:38	#20
Lady Hoot Forum Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: The Island Services: 4 8 15 16 23 42... Posts: 1,861	"Active-crap mode" PMSL!!

17-05-2007, 16:42	#21
Sloopy Forum Member Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 59,936	Oh dear, how this has made me larf. 'Active-crap mode'. Perhaps Wikipedia should create an article on that.

17-05-2007, 16:49	#22
raymogy Forum Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Grimsby, N.E.Lincs Services: Digifusion 200 , Alba, toucan 8mb Posts: 3,880	but dont forget the 15 minutes cigeartte break 4 times a day

17-05-2007, 16:55	#23
ohmygosh Forum Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: The land of the midnight sun Services: Open to suggestion me! Posts: 1,823	For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom. THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace. WATERMELON A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELETTE A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.