Inappropriate (Age Gap) Crush - Advice

Elanor · 29-10-2009, 13:38

...and how to deal with it!

I have recently, after a gap of a couple of years, been going out dancing (ceroc-style modern jive classes) and I have developed a huge crush on a very nice young chap that I see there. He is a great dancer, very friendly and smiley and chatty, really cute, and really lovely to dance with.

It was obvious from the start that he was younger than me, but it turns out, from more talking this week that he is only TWENTY! I am 37. Now, I admit that I'm very immature and don't act 37, and most people seem to think I look early 30s, and this chap certainly doesn't act like any 20 year old I've ever met before (I thought he was perhaps mid 20s), but still! I can't quite get my head round fancying someone that young!

What on earth do I do? I was getting a vibe that perhaps he did like me too, but then maybe he's just like that anyway (he does generally seem very smiley and friendly and confident and was dancing with everyone) or he was just being polite, or it was wishful thinking on my part... I haven't fancied anyone in so long that I've completely forgotten what to do! Argh!

Should I be just trying to forget it, or what? It's driving me crazy at the moment - I've got work to do and all I can think about is that I won't see him til next Tuesday...

Dance Commander · 29-10-2009, 13:44

I don't think a big age gap is necessarily a bad thing, there are plenty of people in relationships like this and it can work, I don't think you should be too worried about it.

I think you should just take it easy and see where it leads. Don't worry too much about the age gap at the moment, he may not even be interested in you....just take it one step at a time.

However, if you do start to talk etc and he asks your age - don't lie. Even though you might be tempted as you think it will put him off, it's better to tell the truth. It would be a problem if you lied and said you were 30 and then later he found out the truth. If the truth puts him off, then it wasn't meant to be.

tegan1973 · 29-10-2009, 13:45

Go for it!! He might be lovely and just right for you!

lym · 29-10-2009, 13:48

Nothing wrong with the age gap, it's quite common these days. My OH is 16 years older than me, we've been together nearly 10 years and I met him when I was 18.

Elanor · 29-10-2009, 13:49

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dance Commander

I don't think a big age gap is necessarily a bad thing, there are plenty of people in relationships like this and it can work, I don't think you should be too worried about it.

I think you should just take it easy and see where it leads. Don't worry too much about the age gap at the moment, he may not even be interested in you....just take it one step at a time.

However, if you do start to talk etc and he asks your age - don't lie. Even though you might be tempted as you think it will put him off, it's better to tell the truth. It would be a problem if you lied and said you were 30 and then later he found out the truth. If the truth puts him off, then it wasn't meant to be.

Thanks - I did tell him my age though. I can't remember why we got onto the subject, I think he was trying to get me to do some kind of drop move and I made some comment about being too old for that! and it went from there. He didn't seem phased by my age, he said I looked much younger and that he was surprised and then still danced with me again afterwards.

Flossychick · 29-10-2009, 13:50

I´d lie, knock a few years off to say, 32.

My friends do it when they meet some young totty and they look younger so what´s the harm. If you ended up being serious then you can tell him and say you though it would have put him off at the beginning. All this is hypothetical though.

Just make sure you are there when you all go for drinks afterwards and keep up the chat. You never know what might happen. If nothing does, then there is nothing wrong with oggling a bit of young totty from afar. Certainly brightens up your dance class for sure.

Elanor · 29-10-2009, 13:53

Quote:

Originally Posted by Flossychick

I´d lie, knock a few years off to say, 32.

My friends do it when they meet some young totty and they look younger so what´s the harm. If you ended up being serious then you can tell him and say you though it would have put him off at the beginning. All this is hypothetical though.

Just make sure you are there when you all go for drinks afterwards and keep up the chat. You never know what might happen. If nothing does, then there is nothing wrong with oggling a bit of young totty from afar. Certainly brightens up your dance class for sure.

Not so much of the afar! I was pressed up against his chest with his arms round me on Tuesday!

ikkleosu · 29-10-2009, 14:00

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elanor

...and how to deal with it!

I have recently, after a gap of a couple of years, been going out dancing (ceroc-style modern jive classes) and I have developed a huge crush on a very nice young chap that I see there. He is a great dancer, very friendly and smiley and chatty, really cute, and really lovely to dance with.

It was obvious from the start that he was younger than me, but it turns out, from more talking this week that he is only TWENTY! I am 37. Now, I admit that I'm very immature and don't act 37, and most people seem to think I look early 30s, and this chap certainly doesn't act like any 20 year old I've ever met before (I thought he was perhaps mid 20s), but still! I can't quite get my head round fancying someone that young!

What on earth do I do? I was getting a vibe that perhaps he did like me too, but then maybe he's just like that anyway (he does generally seem very smiley and friendly and confident and was dancing with everyone) or he was just being polite, or it was wishful thinking on my part... I haven't fancied anyone in so long that I've completely forgotten what to do! Argh!

Should I be just trying to forget it, or what? It's driving me crazy at the moment - I've got work to do and all I can think about is that I won't see him til next Tuesday...

There was a Tv show on Sky just the other week with a couple where the guy was 18 and he met his 40 year old partner at salsa classes! They now have a baby!

So, beware how tightly he's holding you.

Shappy · 29-10-2009, 14:02

So many age gap relationship threads on DS today - one about a 21 year guy and 17 year old girl, and one about a 110 year old man married to a 17 year old.

Nice to see an older woman/younger man scenario as usually it's the 30+ men going for teenagers.

IWantPVR · 29-10-2009, 14:06

I did Ceroc dancing in my younger days and used to revel in attention from the older females. Great for a young guys ego.

I'm married to someone much younger now but I wouldn't have been offended if an older lady had asked me out.

B3aten · 29-10-2009, 18:06

Hi Elanor,

There is 16 years between us, my wife being older than I. We've been together for about 16 years and I can't say that it's been a problem. Main thing is finding someone that you can live with and be happy with!

Plus the thrill attracting a more mature woman is also quite a buzz!

sparkidee · 29-10-2009, 18:13

Hi Elenor

Go for it! you got nowt to lose, best thing though is to tell the truth on how old you are sometimes men dont like that but sometimes others dont mind and say well u look younger that your real age anyway. If you have similar interests and have a good time together whats stopping you? you'll never know until you give it a go

Good luck

Elanor · 29-10-2009, 18:41

Eeeee! I'm feeling quite excited now that people haven't automatically gone *urgh, how weird!* I still have no actual idea what he thinks of me, and I can't imagine that it's likely it would be a long term lasting relationship (although you never know!) but I shall definitely test the waters a bit more next Tuesday. Thanks for the encouragement!

alfiewozere · 29-10-2009, 18:58

Go for it, I'm jealous! Keep us posted - and invite us to the wedding eh?

UltraViolet · 29-10-2009, 19:01

I don't find it an inappropriate age gap at all... you are only 17 years older than him. I mean you're only 37.

Tell him your real age, don't lie. If he still likes you then amazing, if he is put off, then do you really want to go out with someone who puts a negative on you only being 37?

sparkidee · 29-10-2009, 19:13

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elanor

Eeeee! I'm feeling quite excited now that people haven't automatically gone *urgh, how weird!* I still have no actual idea what he thinks of me, and I can't imagine that it's likely it would be a long term lasting relationship (although you never know!) but I shall definitely test the waters a bit more next Tuesday. Thanks for the encouragement!

Lol

got for it! test the water, drop him subtle little hints and if he picks up on it then you will know he feels the same way. Or you can be blunt with him (which us guys prefer) and say "would you like to go for a coffee or something?" worst he can say "sorry im not interested" etc. If you dont try you will never know.

I know someone who is 41 and she dated a 25 year old, yeah there not still together but she had fun with him snd enjoyed the time she shared. Im 22 and Ive only ever dated girls maybe 3 years older than me as older girls are not my bag but that dont mean to say I like to think "corr she aint bad for 30 odd" lol

Good luck with it let us know how you got on

Errodiel · 29-10-2009, 19:40

My dad's wife is 17 years older than him....and they're a great, very happy couple. If you're getting good vibes I say go for it!

Elanor · 29-10-2009, 19:50

Ha! I bet the poor bloke would be mortified if he knew how much he's been talked about over the last couple of days!

Radiomaniac · 29-10-2009, 20:40

When I was 35 I had an 18 year old boyfriend and I'm now 15 years older than my OH. Go for it!

Elanor · 30-10-2009, 18:33

I'm going to be going dancing on my own on Tuesday, as my friend can't come, so my plan is - while also doing all this testing the waters thing and finding out if he's single - to say that he's going to have to look after me tonight because I'm all on my own. And also I might say that I'm thinking of going to another dance night in Sheffield on Thursday, and would he fancy coming too, as I'd be on my own again and it's better with company.

I think I have to do SOMETHING, because the downside of embarrassment is far preferable to the regret of not saying anything, in my experience.

IWantPVR · 31-10-2009, 15:35

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elanor

I'm going to be going dancing on my own on Tuesday, as my friend can't come, so my plan is - while also doing all this testing the waters thing and finding out if he's single - to say that he's going to have to look after me tonight because I'm all on my own. And also I might say that I'm thinking of going to another dance night in Sheffield on Thursday, and would he fancy coming too, as I'd be on my own again and it's better with company.

I think I have to do SOMETHING, because the downside of embarrassment is far preferable to the regret of not saying anything, in my experience.

That's the spirit. Best of luck.

OGB · 31-10-2009, 15:42

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elanor

I'm going to be going dancing on my own on Tuesday, as my friend can't come, so my plan is - while also doing all this testing the waters thing and finding out if he's single - to say that he's going to have to look after me tonight because I'm all on my own. And also I might say that I'm thinking of going to another dance night in Sheffield on Thursday, and would he fancy coming too, as I'd be on my own again and it's better with company.

I think I have to do SOMETHING, because the downside of embarrassment is far preferable to the regret of not saying anything, in my experience.

Go for it!

(After Heather and Darren in Eastenders, your age gap seems quite insignificant

)

Elanor · 31-10-2009, 17:00

Quote:

Originally Posted by OGB

Go for it!

(After Heather and Darren in Eastenders, your age gap seems quite insignificant

)

Funnily enough, that was the first thing that came to mind, and I was feeling rather icky about it. Everybody seems quite shocked and horrified at the Heather and Darren thing, so I hope they wouldn't have that reaction to me and the Dancing Guy! Still, I think we have a lot more in common that Darren and Heather do!

Errodiel · 31-10-2009, 18:10

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elanor

I'm going to be going dancing on my own on Tuesday, as my friend can't come, so my plan is - while also doing all this testing the waters thing and finding out if he's single - to say that he's going to have to look after me tonight because I'm all on my own. And also I might say that I'm thinking of going to another dance night in Sheffield on Thursday, and would he fancy coming too, as I'd be on my own again and it's better with company.

I think I have to do SOMETHING, because the downside of embarrassment is far preferable to the regret of not saying anything, in my experience.

Fantastic attitude! Let us know how it goes on Tuesday

CJ32 · 31-10-2009, 18:14

Lucky guy! Hope it goes well.

If he's not interested, unless he's an immature twit, surely he would be flattered at least.

29-10-2009, 13:38	#1
Elanor Forum Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Derbyshire Posts: 4,366	Inappropriate (Age Gap) Crush ...and how to deal with it! I have recently, after a gap of a couple of years, been going out dancing (ceroc-style modern jive classes) and I have developed a huge crush on a very nice young chap that I see there. He is a great dancer, very friendly and smiley and chatty, really cute, and really lovely to dance with. It was obvious from the start that he was younger than me, but it turns out, from more talking this week that he is only TWENTY! I am 37. Now, I admit that I'm very immature and don't act 37, and most people seem to think I look early 30s, and this chap certainly doesn't act like any 20 year old I've ever met before (I thought he was perhaps mid 20s), but still! I can't quite get my head round fancying someone that young! What on earth do I do? I was getting a vibe that perhaps he did like me too, but then maybe he's just like that anyway (he does generally seem very smiley and friendly and confident and was dancing with everyone) or he was just being polite, or it was wishful thinking on my part... I haven't fancied anyone in so long that I've completely forgotten what to do! Argh! Should I be just trying to forget it, or what? It's driving me crazy at the moment - I've got work to do and all I can think about is that I won't see him til next Tuesday...

29-10-2009, 13:44	#2
Dance Commander Forum Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: in your dreams..... Posts: 122	I don't think a big age gap is necessarily a bad thing, there are plenty of people in relationships like this and it can work, I don't think you should be too worried about it. I think you should just take it easy and see where it leads. Don't worry too much about the age gap at the moment, he may not even be interested in you....just take it one step at a time. However, if you do start to talk etc and he asks your age - don't lie. Even though you might be tempted as you think it will put him off, it's better to tell the truth. It would be a problem if you lied and said you were 30 and then later he found out the truth. If the truth puts him off, then it wasn't meant to be.

29-10-2009, 13:45	#3
tegan1973 Forum Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: sunny Brighton Posts: 602	Go for it!! He might be lovely and just right for you!

29-10-2009, 13:48	#4
lym Forum Member Join Date: May 2004 Posts: 1,519	Nothing wrong with the age gap, it's quite common these days. My OH is 16 years older than me, we've been together nearly 10 years and I met him when I was 18.

29-10-2009, 13:50	#6
Flossychick Forum Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Costa Del Sunstroke Posts: 1,286	I´d lie, knock a few years off to say, 32. My friends do it when they meet some young totty and they look younger so what´s the harm. If you ended up being serious then you can tell him and say you though it would have put him off at the beginning. All this is hypothetical though. Just make sure you are there when you all go for drinks afterwards and keep up the chat. You never know what might happen. If nothing does, then there is nothing wrong with oggling a bit of young totty from afar. Certainly brightens up your dance class for sure.

29-10-2009, 14:02	#9
Shappy Forum Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: By the window Posts: 3,412	So many age gap relationship threads on DS today - one about a 21 year guy and 17 year old girl, and one about a 110 year old man married to a 17 year old. Nice to see an older woman/younger man scenario as usually it's the 30+ men going for teenagers.

29-10-2009, 14:06	#10
IWantPVR Forum Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: My Happy Place Services: Virgin 10Mb, Vaio, XPS M1330, TH42PX60, FVRT200, Sling, PS3, iPhone 3GS32 Posts: 4,841	I did Ceroc dancing in my younger days and used to revel in attention from the older females. Great for a young guys ego. I'm married to someone much younger now but I wouldn't have been offended if an older lady had asked me out.

29-10-2009, 18:06	#11
B3aten Forum Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Trumptonshire Services: The thinking womans idiot Posts: 2,930	Hi Elanor, There is 16 years between us, my wife being older than I. We've been together for about 16 years and I can't say that it's been a problem. Main thing is finding someone that you can live with and be happy with! Plus the thrill attracting a more mature woman is also quite a buzz!

29-10-2009, 18:13	#12
sparkidee Forum Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Thanet, kent Services: Freeview, mobile phone internet Posts: 859	Hi Elenor Go for it! you got nowt to lose, best thing though is to tell the truth on how old you are sometimes men dont like that but sometimes others dont mind and say well u look younger that your real age anyway. If you have similar interests and have a good time together whats stopping you? you'll never know until you give it a go Good luck

29-10-2009, 18:41	#13
Elanor Forum Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Derbyshire Posts: 4,366	Eeeee! I'm feeling quite excited now that people haven't automatically gone urgh, how weird! I still have no actual idea what he thinks of me, and I can't imagine that it's likely it would be a long term lasting relationship (although you never know!) but I shall definitely test the waters a bit more next Tuesday. Thanks for the encouragement!

29-10-2009, 18:58	#14
alfiewozere Forum Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: far far away Services: Seacrest IN IN IN Posts: 9,076	Go for it, I'm jealous! Keep us posted - and invite us to the wedding eh?

29-10-2009, 19:01	#15
UltraViolet Forum Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Britain Posts: 5,512	I don't find it an inappropriate age gap at all... you are only 17 years older than him. I mean you're only 37. Tell him your real age, don't lie. If he still likes you then amazing, if he is put off, then do you really want to go out with someone who puts a negative on you only being 37?

29-10-2009, 19:40	#17
Errodiel Forum Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Newcastle upon Tyne, UK Services: Xbox: skankyfish. PSN: MrsFresh Twitter: @skankyfish Posts: 3,713 Blog Entries: 14	My dad's wife is 17 years older than him....and they're a great, very happy couple. If you're getting good vibes I say go for it!

29-10-2009, 19:50	#18
Elanor Forum Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Derbyshire Posts: 4,366	Ha! I bet the poor bloke would be mortified if he knew how much he's been talked about over the last couple of days!

29-10-2009, 20:40	#19
Radiomaniac Forum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: In Old Amsterdam Services: Cheese, Clogs, Tulips, Barrel Organ Posts: 17,738 Blog Entries: 2	When I was 35 I had an 18 year old boyfriend and I'm now 15 years older than my OH. Go for it!

30-10-2009, 18:33	#20
Elanor Forum Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Derbyshire Posts: 4,366	I'm going to be going dancing on my own on Tuesday, as my friend can't come, so my plan is - while also doing all this testing the waters thing and finding out if he's single - to say that he's going to have to look after me tonight because I'm all on my own. And also I might say that I'm thinking of going to another dance night in Sheffield on Thursday, and would he fancy coming too, as I'd be on my own again and it's better with company. I think I have to do SOMETHING, because the downside of embarrassment is far preferable to the regret of not saying anything, in my experience.

31-10-2009, 18:14	#25
CJ32 Forum Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 211	Lucky guy! Hope it goes well. If he's not interested, unless he's an immature twit, surely he would be flattered at least.