The Ex. - Advice

chiliipepper · 04-11-2009, 08:23

We work at the same place, so seeing him almost everyday is inevitable.
Now, my problem is I go through phases of thinking we can be mates and things are ok, so its the usual morning greetings and occasional small talk.
The thing is, when i see him flirt with other girls, a case of the green eyed monster rears its ugly head and i think he's a t*at and never want to even look at him let alone speak to him. So i ignore him for a few days, just for my own sanity.

He probably has no idea why i get these mood swings but has caught onto my behaviour and text last night asking for an ultimatum...i'm either civil or not?

Does anyone else have to encounter the ex on a daily basis, and how do you deal with it, without letting god damn emotions take over.

Thanks

David ® · 04-11-2009, 08:54

You don't say why you are 'exs' or how long you were together which I think has a significant bearing on your situ.

I was in your situation about 10 years ago and I have to admit it was difficult. One minute everything was fine and then the next it was difficult seeing them act all single. It was made worse as we shared a small office together, just the two of us and we had been together 6 years.

It took me 12 months to realise that it was making me very unhappy and so I left. Looking back I should have left much sooner.
Not that I'm saying you should leave your job, it was just the best thing for me.

DerekPAgain · 04-11-2009, 08:59

You dumped him and now you're acting all moody.

If it's affecting your work (or his) then you've got to stop it.

It's not his problem, is it?

Geejaay · 04-11-2009, 09:42

Quote:

Originally Posted by DerekPAgain

You dumped him and now you're acting all moody.

If it's affecting your work (or his) then you've got to stop it.

It's not his problem, is it?

Why do people have to be so acerbic?

She didn't say it was his problem. She acknowledged it was her problem, and asked for advice on how to address it.

RAINBOWGIRL22 · 04-11-2009, 09:47

More info required OP!!!

When and how did you break up? How long were you together?

Do you want to get back with this man?

hugsie · 04-11-2009, 09:47

I'm confused. How do you know she dumped him, or is this an assumption?
Edit
Answered my own question:

Quote:

Originally Posted by chiliipepper

He's my ex because i broke up with him after i felt as though he was interested in this other girl, (the same girl who then became his girlfriend)
He claimed they were just friends and assured me he wasn't interesed in her at all while we were going out.
They used to meet up for coffee and chat at work, but i tried not to come across as the jealous girlfriend and so when he asked if it bothered me i said no.
It did though, and when it got to the point where i felt he wasn't really committing to the relationship, i broke up with him. And he didnt put up much of a fight.
We tried being friends until he told me he was seeing this other girl. I wasnt too surpised but boy is still hurt. It was confirmation of the suspicions i had tried to ignore.
I think this contributes to my confusion as to why sent a card.
His behaviour up until now has been as though the relationship meant nothing and his new girlfriend was the love of his life. Why do men play games like this?!

From: http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/forums/s...=#post30799989

MadameLaMinx · 04-11-2009, 09:55

Cant see where it says she dumped him?!

A quick squizz at Chiliis recent posts would suggest she's not really in a position to leave work at the moment, and so managing it has to be the way forward.

Chilii, it isn't easy being workmates with someone that you used to go out with. That said, it isn't really that tactful of him to be flirting with other women in front of your face, he is supposed to be at work. It would be a bit different if you were out in the same pub or club or something, then you would have the choice to stay or go if you didn't like what you were seeing.

Can I suggest you ask him to go for a coffee break with you or have some lunch and explain this to him. He clearly either has little idea of how his behaviour is causing you to feel, or he is doing it on purpose to wind you up because he knows exactly what it is doing to you.

Either way, it doesn't matter. If he has such little regard for your feelings that he would do that in front of your face, then basic civility is all he deserves. Who broke up with who is immaterial - you both have to put on your professional faces at work and give it time for any residual feelings to die off (which shouldn't take that long if he keeps doing this...)

Is it worth trying to explain to him what his behaviour is doing? Or do you feel it is simply better to slap on a mask and pretend it isn't affecting you? Let it out at home, not in the workplace if you can.

While I disagree with Derek that it's not his problem (because it is after all his behaviour that is causing you to feel that way) I do agree that because you are in the work place, you have to try and self-manage your feelings and treat him with the same courtesy and respect as you would another colleague, hard as that is.

((hug))

*edit* just read hugsies post. (should have taken a deeper squizz at other posts).

Definitely go with the professional mask thing, I reckon - or at least recognise that he is a bit of an ass and doesn't deserve you wasting any more energy on him.

Tom_Tit · 04-11-2009, 09:57

Let me get this right...YOU broke up with him and now you want him to sit around pining after you instead of moving on with a new girlfriend?

How immature. Perhaps you shouldn't have dumped him if you don't want him with somebody else.

MadameLaMinx · 04-11-2009, 09:59

No, I just dont think she wants it rubbing in her face that he didnt think as much of her as she did of him. I can't blame her for that.

It's not just as simple and cut and dried as "she broke up with him" - she clearly had good reason to. Doesnt mean its not hurtful to see him with other people.

Tom_Tit · 04-11-2009, 10:01

Quote:

Originally Posted by MadameLaMinx

No, I just dont think she wants it rubbing in her face that he didnt think as much of her as she did of him. I can't blame her for that.

It's not just as simple and cut and dried as "she broke up with him" - she clearly had good reason to. Doesnt mean its not hurtful to see him with other people.

I don't agree.

She told him she didn't have a problem with him being friends with another girl. What is he supposed to do?

The relationship may well have got close when SHE dumped him.

I find it hard to criticise the bloke here. Once you split up with somebody they can do what they like..Good on him for moving on. She should do the same.

DerekPAgain · 04-11-2009, 11:40

Quote:

Originally Posted by MadameLaMinx

No, I just dont think she wants it rubbing in her face that he didnt think as much of her as she did of him. I can't blame her for that.

It's not just as simple and cut and dried as "she broke up with him" - she clearly had good reason to. Doesnt mean its not hurtful to see him with other people.

She broke up with him and now she wants him not to flirt with other girls in the workplace.

Where did the OP meet her ex then?

Can't you see how hypocritical that attitude is?

If she can't be civil then don't be. At least he will know where he stands then. And there is no loss for the OP is there.......... unless she really wants him back in which case she's made an awful cock up of her personal life at work and if she can't let it go she needs to find a different job.

You can't emotionally blackmail someone not to talk / flirt with work colleagues simply becuase you used to go out with them.

MadameLaMinx · 04-11-2009, 11:50

Did you actually read about the break up? She broke up with him because she didnt feel that he was as committed to the relationship as he was - which indicates that she was far more emotionally involved in it than he was. To add insult to injury, a girl that she had told him she had no problem with him being friends with, (although she did, she just didnt want to appear jealous and clingy) was his next conquest - so perhaps she was right to feel unsettled by this other girl.

And she DOES have to be civil, they work together and it will affect the work environment and their colleagues if there is a nasty atmosphere. If you had looked a little deeper, you would see that she is in training at a dental hospital, and so simply "finding another job" is not practical or the solution in this case.

No, you cant emotionally blackmail someone not to flirt with work colleagues, but you can modify how you react to that in the work place, and perhaps (if that person is a decent human being) ask them to be a little tactful.

hugsie · 04-11-2009, 12:14

Quote:

Originally Posted by MadameLaMinx

Did you actually read about the break up? She broke up with him because she didnt feel that he was as committed to the relationship as he was - which indicates that she was far more emotionally involved in it than he was. To add insult to injury, a girl that she had told him she had no problem with him being friends with, (although she did, she just didnt want to appear jealous and clingy) was his next conquest - so perhaps she was right to feel unsettled by this other girl.

And she DOES have to be civil, they work together and it will affect the work environment and their colleagues if there is a nasty atmosphere. If you had looked a little deeper, you would see that she is in training at a dental hospital, and so simply "finding another job" is not practical or the solution in this case.

No, you cant emotionally blackmail someone not to flirt with work colleagues, but you can modify how you react to that in the work place, and perhaps (if that person is a decent human being) ask them to be a little tactful.

Perhaps if she had been more open with him about her feelings, and told him her concerns then he would be more sensitive to her feelings? He may even have reassured her and they may have still been together.
I'm not saying it is certain, but she has not given him the chance to understand where she is coming from emotionally or even why she broke up with him.

MadameLaMinx · 04-11-2009, 13:20

Maybe - but we aren't dealing with his reaction to the relationship ending and him moving on, we are dealing with hers. It strikes me that this original relationship was not a very long one and if that is the case, it may not have been at the point where discussion of deepening feelings was appropriate or comfortable for either of them. We have no way of knowing how he felt about the relationship ending (or indeed, the intimate details of what was said and how the break up occured.)

Hypothetically, if she said "I dont think you feel as committed to this as I do so I want to break up, and he went "ok then" and went on his way, he was being honest about it, but that doesn't stop her feeling upset and rejected because perhaps she was hoping that he would say "oh but I do and I don't want to break up" and he didn't, and then appears to have moved on to the next person. Again, hypothetical, and only based loosely around what she has said about the break up.

I just think people are being a little heavy handed with her. She is saying "how do I deal with this?" and people are telling her off for breaking up with him in the first place and then daring to be upset about it afterwards, the person doing the breaking up quite often has a reason for doing so, and it hurts them to do so too.

hugsie · 04-11-2009, 13:44

Hers is caused by his, and she has not communicated the impact his behaviour is having so he has asked her. You point out the relationship was possibly not serious, but here she is almost a year? later being moody with him over his flirting with other girls.
Her choice to not communicate her feelings has led to the situation. She knows him better than us and her choices now are simple, either she admits the root of her moods to him and tells him she is working on it, she makes an effort to hide her hurt until she moves on or she accepts that she cannot maintain any friendship with him beyond what is required for her work related contact with him.
I am not unsympathetic, but the power seems to be in her hands to alter the situation.

samj_namesake · 04-11-2009, 13:44

Quote:

Originally Posted by DerekPAgain

You dumped him and now you're acting all moody.

If it's affecting your work (or his) then you've got to stop it.

It's not his problem, is it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tom_Tit

Let me get this right...YOU broke up with him and now you want him to sit around pining after you instead of moving on with a new girlfriend?

How immature. Perhaps you shouldn't have dumped him if you don't want him with somebody else.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tom_Tit

I don't agree.

She told him she didn't have a problem with him being friends with another girl. What is he supposed to do?

The relationship may well have got close when SHE dumped him.

I find it hard to criticise the bloke here. Once you split up with somebody they can do what they like..Good on him for moving on. She should do the same.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DerekPAgain

She broke up with him and now she wants him not to flirt with other girls in the workplace.

Where did the OP meet her ex then?

Can't you see how hypocritical that attitude is?

If she can't be civil then don't be. At least he will know where he stands then. And there is no loss for the OP is there.......... unless she really wants him back in which case she's made an awful cock up of her personal life at work and if she can't let it go she needs to find a different job.

You can't emotionally blackmail someone not to talk / flirt with work colleagues simply becuase you used to go out with them.

Eugh men!!!

Why, why do I put up with them?

Quote:

Originally Posted by MadameLaMinx

Maybe - but we aren't dealing with his reaction to the relationship ending and him moving on, we are dealing with hers. It strikes me that this original relationship was not a very long one and if that is the case, it may not have been at the point where discussion of deepening feelings was appropriate or comfortable for either of them. We have no way of knowing how he felt about the relationship ending (or indeed, the intimate details of what was said and how the break up occured.)

Hypothetically, if she said "I dont think you feel as committed to this as I do so I want to break up, and he went "ok then" and went on his way, he was being honest about it, but that doesn't stop her feeling upset and rejected because perhaps she was hoping that he would say "oh but I do and I don't want to break up" and he didn't, and then appears to have moved on to the next person. Again, hypothetical, and only based loosely around what she has said about the break up.

I just think people are being a little heavy handed with her. She is saying "how do I deal with this?" and people are telling her off for breaking up with him in the first place and then daring to be upset about it afterwards, the person doing the breaking up quite often has a reason for doing so, and it hurts them to do so too.

Thankyou!!!
Finally a sensitive, understanding comment. The OP has specifically said she broke up with him, but she has not anywhere posted she broke up with him because she no longer cared for him/loved him. She was hurt by his attitude, suspicious of his behaviour and felt she was more commited to the relationship than he, hense she ended it. Since then, all the ex has done is confirm her suspicions, maybe he does/did care but doesn't want to let on, but still, he hasn't exactly cared once for how she might be feeling + sending her that v day card was also just cruel.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand breath

Sorry for having referred to you as 3rd person there OP

DerekPAgain · 04-11-2009, 13:45

Quote:

Originally Posted by MadameLaMinx

Maybe - but we aren't dealing with his reaction to the relationship ending and him moving on, we are dealing with hers. It strikes me that this original relationship was not a very long one and if that is the case, it may not have been at the point where discussion of deepening feelings was appropriate or comfortable for either of them. We have no way of knowing how he felt about the relationship ending (or indeed, the intimate details of what was said and how the break up occured.)

Hypothetically, if she said "I dont think you feel as committed to this as I do so I want to break up, and he went "ok then" and went on his way, he was being honest about it, but that doesn't stop her feeling upset and rejected because perhaps she was hoping that he would say "oh but I do and I don't want to break up" and he didn't, and then appears to have moved on to the next person. Again, hypothetical, and only based loosely around what she has said about the break up.

I just think people are being a little heavy handed with her. She is saying "how do I deal with this?" and people are telling her off for breaking up with him in the first place and then daring to be upset about it afterwards, the person doing the breaking up quite often has a reason for doing so, and it hurts them to do so too.

No - we're not "telling her off" for breaking up with him or being upset.

We're flabbergasted that someone has the cheek to expect someone not to do what probably got them together in the first place.

Amadude · 04-11-2009, 13:53

Quote:

Originally Posted by DerekPAgain

No - we're not "telling her off" for breaking up with him or being upset.

We're flabbergasted that someone has the cheek to expect someone not to do what probably got them together in the first place.

Where does she say she expects him not to do anything?
Feel free to point out where she has (if I've missed it)
It seems that the OP is asking how to deal with her own emotions. Nothing more.

I think you've missed the point completely.

chiliipepper · 04-11-2009, 21:38

Hi everyone. Thanks for your responses, MadameLymMinx you have described everything I have thought and felt over the months.
Just to set the record straight though, there's no way I would ever want to get back with him. And there's noway he wants to get back with me. (Hes told me straight up)
I'm moving back to London next year, so its just these next 7 months i need to get through.
Amadude, you're right, all Im asking for is advice about how to deal with the situation.
Its enivitable he's going to flirt, but I want to know what the best way is for me to react to it?

Shappy · 04-11-2009, 22:57

Don't react.

maimou · 04-11-2009, 23:27

Be honest with him; explain that you ended things because you cared too much and felt or believed that he cared too little. So what if it's putting it all out in the open, if he's not a b*stard he'll at least get some perspective on why maybe his attitude post break up has caused you to be a bit upset.

Being honest is always better than playing a game - you have nothing to lose afterall.

04-11-2009, 08:23	#1
chiliipepper Forum Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 59	The Ex. We work at the same place, so seeing him almost everyday is inevitable. Now, my problem is I go through phases of thinking we can be mates and things are ok, so its the usual morning greetings and occasional small talk. The thing is, when i see him flirt with other girls, a case of the green eyed monster rears its ugly head and i think he's a t*at and never want to even look at him let alone speak to him. So i ignore him for a few days, just for my own sanity. He probably has no idea why i get these mood swings but has caught onto my behaviour and text last night asking for an ultimatum...i'm either civil or not? Does anyone else have to encounter the ex on a daily basis, and how do you deal with it, without letting god damn emotions take over. Thanks

04-11-2009, 08:54	#2
David ® Forum Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Gender: Male Posts: 268	You don't say why you are 'exs' or how long you were together which I think has a significant bearing on your situ. I was in your situation about 10 years ago and I have to admit it was difficult. One minute everything was fine and then the next it was difficult seeing them act all single. It was made worse as we shared a small office together, just the two of us and we had been together 6 years. It took me 12 months to realise that it was making me very unhappy and so I left. Looking back I should have left much sooner. Not that I'm saying you should leave your job, it was just the best thing for me.

04-11-2009, 08:59	#3
DerekPAgain Forum Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Aberdeenshire Posts: 1,601	You dumped him and now you're acting all moody. If it's affecting your work (or his) then you've got to stop it. It's not his problem, is it?

04-11-2009, 09:47	#5
RAINBOWGIRL22 Forum Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 11,646	More info required OP!!! When and how did you break up? How long were you together? Do you want to get back with this man?

04-11-2009, 09:55	#7
MadameLaMinx Forum Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Merseyside Services: Sky, Talktalk Broadband Posts: 481	Cant see where it says she dumped him?! A quick squizz at Chiliis recent posts would suggest she's not really in a position to leave work at the moment, and so managing it has to be the way forward. Chilii, it isn't easy being workmates with someone that you used to go out with. That said, it isn't really that tactful of him to be flirting with other women in front of your face, he is supposed to be at work. It would be a bit different if you were out in the same pub or club or something, then you would have the choice to stay or go if you didn't like what you were seeing. Can I suggest you ask him to go for a coffee break with you or have some lunch and explain this to him. He clearly either has little idea of how his behaviour is causing you to feel, or he is doing it on purpose to wind you up because he knows exactly what it is doing to you. Either way, it doesn't matter. If he has such little regard for your feelings that he would do that in front of your face, then basic civility is all he deserves. Who broke up with who is immaterial - you both have to put on your professional faces at work and give it time for any residual feelings to die off (which shouldn't take that long if he keeps doing this...) Is it worth trying to explain to him what his behaviour is doing? Or do you feel it is simply better to slap on a mask and pretend it isn't affecting you? Let it out at home, not in the workplace if you can. While I disagree with Derek that it's not his problem (because it is after all his behaviour that is causing you to feel that way) I do agree that because you are in the work place, you have to try and self-manage your feelings and treat him with the same courtesy and respect as you would another colleague, hard as that is. ((hug)) edit just read hugsies post. (should have taken a deeper squizz at other posts). Definitely go with the professional mask thing, I reckon - or at least recognise that he is a bit of an ass and doesn't deserve you wasting any more energy on him.

04-11-2009, 09:57	#8
Tom_Tit Forum Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 190	Let me get this right...YOU broke up with him and now you want him to sit around pining after you instead of moving on with a new girlfriend? How immature. Perhaps you shouldn't have dumped him if you don't want him with somebody else.

04-11-2009, 09:59	#9
MadameLaMinx Forum Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Merseyside Services: Sky, Talktalk Broadband Posts: 481	No, I just dont think she wants it rubbing in her face that he didnt think as much of her as she did of him. I can't blame her for that. It's not just as simple and cut and dried as "she broke up with him" - she clearly had good reason to. Doesnt mean its not hurtful to see him with other people.

04-11-2009, 11:50	#12
MadameLaMinx Forum Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Merseyside Services: Sky, Talktalk Broadband Posts: 481	Did you actually read about the break up? She broke up with him because she didnt feel that he was as committed to the relationship as he was - which indicates that she was far more emotionally involved in it than he was. To add insult to injury, a girl that she had told him she had no problem with him being friends with, (although she did, she just didnt want to appear jealous and clingy) was his next conquest - so perhaps she was right to feel unsettled by this other girl. And she DOES have to be civil, they work together and it will affect the work environment and their colleagues if there is a nasty atmosphere. If you had looked a little deeper, you would see that she is in training at a dental hospital, and so simply "finding another job" is not practical or the solution in this case. No, you cant emotionally blackmail someone not to flirt with work colleagues, but you can modify how you react to that in the work place, and perhaps (if that person is a decent human being) ask them to be a little tactful.

04-11-2009, 13:20	#14
MadameLaMinx Forum Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Merseyside Services: Sky, Talktalk Broadband Posts: 481	Maybe - but we aren't dealing with his reaction to the relationship ending and him moving on, we are dealing with hers. It strikes me that this original relationship was not a very long one and if that is the case, it may not have been at the point where discussion of deepening feelings was appropriate or comfortable for either of them. We have no way of knowing how he felt about the relationship ending (or indeed, the intimate details of what was said and how the break up occured.) Hypothetically, if she said "I dont think you feel as committed to this as I do so I want to break up, and he went "ok then" and went on his way, he was being honest about it, but that doesn't stop her feeling upset and rejected because perhaps she was hoping that he would say "oh but I do and I don't want to break up" and he didn't, and then appears to have moved on to the next person. Again, hypothetical, and only based loosely around what she has said about the break up. I just think people are being a little heavy handed with her. She is saying "how do I deal with this?" and people are telling her off for breaking up with him in the first place and then daring to be upset about it afterwards, the person doing the breaking up quite often has a reason for doing so, and it hurts them to do so too.

04-11-2009, 13:44	#15
hugsie Forum Member Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: somewhere in the middle Services: It's a secret! Posts: 12,637	Hers is caused by his, and she has not communicated the impact his behaviour is having so he has asked her. You point out the relationship was possibly not serious, but here she is almost a year? later being moody with him over his flirting with other girls. Her choice to not communicate her feelings has led to the situation. She knows him better than us and her choices now are simple, either she admits the root of her moods to him and tells him she is working on it, she makes an effort to hide her hurt until she moves on or she accepts that she cannot maintain any friendship with him beyond what is required for her work related contact with him. I am not unsympathetic, but the power seems to be in her hands to alter the situation.

04-11-2009, 21:38	#19
chiliipepper Forum Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 59	Hi everyone. Thanks for your responses, MadameLymMinx you have described everything I have thought and felt over the months. Just to set the record straight though, there's no way I would ever want to get back with him. And there's noway he wants to get back with me. (Hes told me straight up) I'm moving back to London next year, so its just these next 7 months i need to get through. Amadude, you're right, all Im asking for is advice about how to deal with the situation. Its enivitable he's going to flirt, but I want to know what the best way is for me to react to it?

04-11-2009, 22:57	#20
Shappy Forum Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: By the window Posts: 3,471	Don't react.

04-11-2009, 23:27	#21
maimou Forum Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Athens - GR Posts: 8,329	Be honest with him; explain that you ended things because you cared too much and felt or believed that he cared too little. So what if it's putting it all out in the open, if he's not a b*stard he'll at least get some perspective on why maybe his attitude post break up has caused you to be a bit upset. Being honest is always better than playing a game - you have nothing to lose afterall.