I'm wide awake and need to get this out of my system - Advice

ChristmasCake · 09-11-2009, 05:05

I don't know what advice I want, I really don't. In all likelihood, I probably won't even listen to it anyway, well I'll try to, I'll make an effort, and then I'll have an off-day and everything will just go back to the way it always has been.

I don't have my counselling session till Tuesday and even now it just seems so far away, and I just need to get this out of my head so I can get some sleep.

This isn't the first time I've posted in advice, and everything I've posted about before relates to this one situation..at least I think it does, I dunno, maybe I'm using it as an excuse..

It started when I was 9. I'm the middle child, and I guess I looked up to my brother a lot, he was always so cool and self-assured, and I was geeky and clumsy, and I just wanted to be like him. I guess though, when you're 14, having your younger brother around doesn't seem like much fun, so he was trying to spend less time around me.

It meant that, I'd either have to just be with kids from school, or like, with kids from the neighbourhood. There was this one guy I met across the park one day, I was football mad, so spent so much time there, trying to get better, which was difficult because I was so awkward.

Anyway, he was a couple of years older, and over time, I started to look up to him, he was cool, he smoked, he drank, he told his dad to shut up, you know, not things that are really respectable, but as a 9 year old I was in awe of him.

In reality, his relationship with his dad wasn't good, he was often left ignored, and his mum had left them when he was younger, so he was often left to his own devices, kind of like I was.

It got to a point where I would do anything for him, and he often asked for things, money, sweets, whatever, if he asked for it, I'd happily give him it. Sometimes though, he wouldn't ask, and he'd just take it, but I didn't mind, because I got to spend time with him.

Occasionally, there'd be bad days, he'd shout at me, or hit me, or avoid me, and I'd feel really bad, I'd be wondering why it was happening, and I'd be apologising, really upset, often in tears, and he'd just say it was my fault for being annoying, and I'd believe him, because, well, why would he lie to me?

Sometimes he'd give me stuff as well, like he bought me some marbles once, and a yo-yo, he wasn't always mean, he'd hug me, and like stroke my face, and kiss me on the cheek, and it was nice, I liked it, I liked being with him.

One time I was chattering on incessantly, which even now I have a tendency to do, and like he didn't like it, so he took one of those big marbles, and threw it at me, and it caught me on the head, and I have quite a low pain threshold, so I was crying, and he was immediately sorry, he pulled me close to him, and comforted me, and said if I had just had given him some peace he wouldn't have had to do it.

After a while he started to get more aggressive, and I had to hide bruises, and cuts, because he was being rough. But my parents just saw him as someone who looked out for me, they still don't know about any of this, I don't know how I would begin to bring it up with them, I couldn't even show them this, how could I?

What would they think of me? Because of me, someone who was really nice, did mean things, that, I'm sure he didn't mean to, like, because why would he want to do stuff like that?

One time I had been left alone with him, I can't remember why, but he'd told me he'd take me to the park to play football, so I ran upstairs and put my kit on, but he made me sit in silence instead, which left me a bit confused, but later, when it was darker, he took me over to the park, and I was like, well where's the football, and walked towards the fence because we used to use it as a goal.

Anyway, he told me to shut up, and punched me in the arm, and I was like oww, that hurt, why did you do that? And he put his hand over my mouth, and shoved me against the fence and told me to shut up.

When he was happy that I was going to be quiet he took my hand, and he made me touch him in places I didn't want to, as I said, I was quite awkward at that age, and rather socially inept, so I really didn't understand what was going on.

Eventually he forced me down onto my knees and made me kiss him, that part of him, I really didn't want to but he said he'd tell my parents I'd been bad if I didn't, and I didn't want to get into trouble so I did it, I didn't like it, it felt funny.

I said I didn't want to do it any more, and he said he didn't care what I wanted, but he dragged me up and turned me around and pushed me against the fence again so I was like, trying to move, but he had me pinned, and I wasn't strong enough, and I didn't like that I couldn't see what was going to happen, I was scared, but then, nothing was happening, and like, I was alone.

I sat down on the grass against the fence, I didn't even bother to adjust my clothes, and I cried, eventually I went home.

I saw him less after this, but one time I was alone with him again, I was saying sorry, and like, that I didn't mean to be bad, and he said it was okay, and he kissed me on the lips, I remember him tasting of salt and vinegar and cigarettes, and he'd just had a hair cut.

I moved out of the area shortly after that, and I haven't seen him since.

I've been trying to find some sort of self-worth since, and I just seem to blame myself for everything, and I can't form relationships properly, I tend to be very quick to trust people, and will forgive anything, because I'll always see everything as my fault.

I seem to have four moods, I'm either depressed, anxious, hyper/happy or in a more lucid state, which I think I am in now, I dunno, I'm sat here in tears after typing all of that, it was so hard, really hard, I opened up to someone about it tonight, so I thought maybe writing it here would be easier, but it wasn't, it's taken me absolutely ages to write this post.

I started writing it at 4am, and I'm still not finished with it, but yeah, it's got me a bit shaky at the moment, I'm having to constantly fix my typing errors.

A few years ago I encountered someone on-line who I got pretty close to, in terms of being a friend, at least, I felt they were one of my closest friends. I even met him once, which was kind of fun.

There was something about his eyes though, he just reminded me so much of the guy I knew during everything that happened before. I was absolutely fascinated with his eyes because of this.

I was never sexually interested in him, that was the last thing that ever occurred to me, but, because of the similarity with the eyes, I felt it was like I was being given a second chance, I dunno what made me think that, but I felt like I had another chance to be liked by him.

I don't think it helped things much that I was depressed at this time either, and I just literally threw myself at him, I harassed him, I obsessed over him, and I did anything I could just to make him like me. Of course this had the opposite effect, which was a natural enough reaction, I wasn't being rational, or normal, and I completely understand why he reacted the way he did.

I think since it's been about a year since I've spoken to him, I've realised that it was all my fault, it's taken me a long time to get here, but I realise how weird, creepy and stalker-ish I was being.

I'm glad I've come to that realisation because it meant I could work on changing things, which I have done, to some extent.

Over this period, I also opted to take a further year out of university, and finally started on anti-depressants. I ended up with reactions to the anti-depressants, so came off of them, and get pushed around from assessment to assessment to work out which form of counselling would work best.

I got a job in the mean time, just to give my life some structure and routine, but it's just allowed me to indulge my depressive moods, and withdraw from everyone.

I've given up being open with people, because it's just seemed to have made things worst in the past, and I find it easier to just pretend to be the person they want me to be.

I even started learning to drive just to please them.

The one thing I want to do is run away though, I just want to get away as far as possible from here, but I've been running away for years, and I wonder what will happen when I actually have to stop, and think about things, and try to fix them.

I've always been someone who wants to see a solution, and implement it, and with this I can't, I just can't fix it, I can't fix me, I'm just wrong,

The thing is though, the way things have turned out have just been my fault, I've not been good enough, and I think I actually deserve to feel the way I do.

I don't tend to use the trains much or the tube, but whenever I do, I get this overwhelming urge to just jump, or like when I'm crossing the road, I get tempted to just run into it and let a car run me over. If I'm in the kitchen, I get tempted to just cut myself, or with alcohol, I get so tempted to just drink and not stop, which I have done in the past, I can't stop with alcohol, which is why I never drink alone now.

I can't even take a paracetamol by myself because people think I'd over-dose, and to be honest, I probably would, I'd just keep taking them, and taking them, just so I could forget everything.

I just wish there was some magic quick fix so that I didn't have to see this every time I close my eyes, I see his eyes, I can taste him, and feel him, and it just scares me so much, and I really can't stop the tears now, I just want it all to end, I really do.

And the thing is, people will post really helpful advice, I really do always get some great advice, and I listen to it for a bit, but then I'm not strong enough, and I just give up, and I hide in my bed under the covers, and try to pretend that nothing can hurt me there, but really, it's the worst place in the world, because it's the place that I think about it the most, because I'm on my own and there's nothing else to occupy my mind.

I'm going to turn off this laptop though, because I don't want to look at this page any more. I'm so tempted to just not hit submit, to delete it all now, and to go back and pretend everything is okay, but I think that'd just make things worse.

Kittycat73 · 09-11-2009, 06:47

I am in awe of you. The courage you have to have written all that and faced it in some way. I admire you. I understand about not hitting submit. I have anxiety problems and obsess over wether to post or not then keep editing it afterwards, most of the time deleting it.
You are strong, very, very strong. You're still here aren't you? That takes guts. Even if you have contemplated suicide you haven't done it. You may say, 'Oh it's only because...,' but you let the because happen if you see what I mean? I have a 'mindfullness' tape that makes me laugh but is true/good advice. It says, 'If you're breathing, you're doing something right.' It's true isn't it?
I'd say you are feeling pretty overwhelmed right now. Don't try and force it away, but just remember, you can decide you can't deal with it all right now and will cope with it all at a later date. I think the most important thing you can do for yourself right now is be your own best friend. Think from someone elses perspective, what advice would you give them if they were in your situation, also, how would you treat them? Give yourself TLC. Snuggle in that duvet, have a hot drink if you like them, watch something funny. Remember, if you want to talk, the Samaritans are always there too. Do you also have an out of hours emergency number? If not, could you 'phone in the morning and get your appointment brought foward?
Just don't try and solve everything right now. It's too much for anyone. Go at your own pace. Deal with what you can handle. Put the rest on the back burner for now.
I had some CBT this year and it's the best thing I've tried at managing anxiety so far. I think it would be good for you. For instance, it explains that when we are under stress our thinking can become distorted. There are a few main groups of distorted thinking. One of them is 'Taking on too much responsibilty.' Meaning that we take the blame for everything, even if it has little or nothing to do with us. Like taking responsibilities for others actions or thoughts. Then there's catastrophising, always thinking the very worst will happen. Ect. But that's something for you to think about when you feel a bit more able to cope. For now, I'd say pat yourself on the back for being so bloody brave!!! Be kind to yourself and don't expect too much of yourself today. You need TLC more than anything.
You are a very couragous person, remember that if you can, and I wish you all the very best. You can and will feel better. Nothing stays the same forever.

I find that thought helps too.

Cstar2229 · 09-11-2009, 07:07

That is terrible

What I see is you thought you found a friend and they abused you for liking them.

Being so impressionable, you took it and reasoned to yourself the bad stuff he did was OK because there would be nice stuff too but it was on his terms.

You didn't want to lose him as his nice side made you very happy and you internalised him changing on you as being your fault. You were hurt and know his bad side was wrong but the thought of being without him was far worse than taking his nastiness, so you thought if I take the blame, he'll make me feel good again.

He sensed you 'worshipped' him and decided to use that power to hurt you then be nice to you on a whim.

There are some horrible people who befriend people to feel powerful in this way. All you did was trust someone you thought was nice. He is the nasty one.

Barbella · 09-11-2009, 07:15

I agree, with Kitty, you do have courage. You have the courage and ability to articulate your problems , which is a positive step in dealing with them.

I also agree that CBT would be helpful as , from what I can you, you are stuck in a repetetive, negative thinking pattern that is tying you to an event in the past that should no longer have such an emotional hold on you.

Kitty is also right about distorted thinking - your fear of Tube for example. What you have to remember is that all people have random thoughts such as 'what if I fell on there, or jumped off there, or put my hand in there etc.' The difference is in how the person interprets those thoughts. One person will laugh at themselves, another will ignore them, but someone else mightl fear those thoughts and interpret them as a genuine desire to do the thing that will harm them, even though they don't want to do it!

Next time you think a thought like that , challenge it! Argue against it! Its not real, its just a thought. Learn to laugh at the random nonsense that comes into your head and not to take it seriously.

I know this is easier said than done , but it can be done.

You will never feel 'perfect', but then nobody does and nobody is. We are all flawed and have all been through shit. It is how we deal with the shit that is important.

You have taken steps to deal with this , so you are already on your way to finding some peace of mind.

EmmaActual · 09-11-2009, 07:32

Agree with all the good advice already given here. You desperately need counselling.

I love the way you posted so bravely, so matter of factly, with no blame, no hate, (except against yourself of course

which of course, you should not be feeling) but which you are feeling as a result of the terrible abuse as that is the nature of abuse.

I really, really, want to stress to you that none of this is YOUR fault, you MUST remember this and tell yourself it every day.

I do so hope you get the help you deserve.

I am writing this with the tears running down my face.... so I can't type anymore.

You are so brave for posting, and you are WONDERFUL.

Emx

samj_namesake · 09-11-2009, 07:36

I have to admit, I had tears in my eyes reading that. Your courage and ability to admit this is absolutely amazing.

Please don't ever doubt your self worth. I won't repeat the advise already given to you, but I will say, if you ever need to talk, please feel free to pm me.

xHx · 09-11-2009, 08:19

OP, this really IS NOT your fault, in an sense of the term. You are in no way to blame - he was a sick individual who took advantage of a vulerable young child.

Now part of me urges you to get in touch with the Police - if he was willing to do it to you all those years ago, then there may be a strong chance he will do it again to someone else in the future.

However, i also realise how hard it is for you to post such things and come to terms with them. I would strongly suggest, as do the other posters, that you get some 'me' time in with a nice hot drink and something funny to watch. If you can, get that counselling session brought forward and please, please stop blaming yourself.

x

Cstar2229 · 09-11-2009, 08:22

Quote:

Originally Posted by xHx

OP, this really IS NOT your fault, in an sense of the term. You are in no way to blame - he was a sick individual who took advantage of a vulerable young child.

Now part of me urges you to get in touch with the Police - if he was willing to do it to you all those years ago, then there may be a strong chance he will do it again to someone else in the future.

However, i also realise how hard it is for you to post such things and come to terms with them. I would strongly suggest, as do the other posters, that you get some 'me' time in with a nice hot drink and something funny to watch. If you can, get that counselling session brought forward and please, please stop blaming yourself.

x

I bet you he is and has been treating people this way since 'befriending' the OP.

MrsSpoon · 09-11-2009, 08:56

The OP sounds quite bright and already knows the answer. Some people are just not nice and nothing will ever change them.
It seems that the OP has had more than a fair share of bad luck being surrounded by negativity. Counselling will reasure them that they are not the guilty party and good counselling is certainly needed urgently.

xHx · 09-11-2009, 10:49

I agree C Star.

OP, it may be worth you getting in touch with your local Child Protection Team and having a chat to them. I'm sure no-one will pressure you to push for a proseuction or anything if you don't want to, but the authorities really do need to know who this guy is and where he lives so a discreet watch can be put on him.

I wish you all the best and hopefully some counselling and a bit of TLC, as well as letting off steam on here will help you out.

x

Widow57 · 09-11-2009, 11:43

There's no doubt that you are very brave. Your post is very moving and I feel for you. Is your counselling having any positive effects? How long have you been having it? I'm not sure that counselling is the right route for you - maybe you need to see a (good) therapist. You have a lot of issues which need to be worked through and if you have a sympathetic GP (who I imagine referred you to a counsellor), then go back and see him/her and try to find a more positive route.

I realise that you find it difficult to trust people and that probably includes the authorities but please believe that there are people out there who care and who you can trust.

ChristmasCake · 09-11-2009, 12:28

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kittycat73

I am in awe of you. The courage you have to have written all that and faced it in some way. I admire you. I understand about not hitting submit. I have anxiety problems and obsess over wether to post or not then keep editing it afterwards, most of the time deleting it.
You are strong, very, very strong. You're still here aren't you? That takes guts. Even if you have contemplated suicide you haven't done it. You may say, 'Oh it's only because...,' but you let the because happen if you see what I mean? I have a 'mindfullness' tape that makes me laugh but is true/good advice. It says, 'If you're breathing, you're doing something right.' It's true isn't it?
I'd say you are feeling pretty overwhelmed right now. Don't try and force it away, but just remember, you can decide you can't deal with it all right now and will cope with it all at a later date. I think the most important thing you can do for yourself right now is be your own best friend. Think from someone elses perspective, what advice would you give them if they were in your situation, also, how would you treat them? Give yourself TLC. Snuggle in that duvet, have a hot drink if you like them, watch something funny. Remember, if you want to talk, the Samaritans are always there too. Do you also have an out of hours emergency number? If not, could you 'phone in the morning and get your appointment brought foward?
Just don't try and solve everything right now. It's too much for anyone. Go at your own pace. Deal with what you can handle. Put the rest on the back burner for now.
I had some CBT this year and it's the best thing I've tried at managing anxiety so far. I think it would be good for you. For instance, it explains that when we are under stress our thinking can become distorted. There are a few main groups of distorted thinking. One of them is 'Taking on too much responsibilty.' Meaning that we take the blame for everything, even if it has little or nothing to do with us. Like taking responsibilities for others actions or thoughts. Then there's catastrophising, always thinking the very worst will happen. Ect. But that's something for you to think about when you feel a bit more able to cope. For now, I'd say pat yourself on the back for being so bloody brave!!! Be kind to yourself and don't expect too much of yourself today. You need TLC more than anything.
You are a very couragous person, remember that if you can, and I wish you all the very best. You can and will feel better. Nothing stays the same forever.

I find that thought helps too.

I did request CBT, as it did help in the past, but my CBT counsellor felt she couldn't deal with all the issues in 12 sessions, so recommended me for long-term counselling.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xHx

OP, this really IS NOT your fault, in an sense of the term. You are in no way to blame - he was a sick individual who took advantage of a vulerable young child.

Now part of me urges you to get in touch with the Police - if he was willing to do it to you all those years ago, then there may be a strong chance he will do it again to someone else in the future.

However, i also realise how hard it is for you to post such things and come to terms with them. I would strongly suggest, as do the other posters, that you get some 'me' time in with a nice hot drink and something funny to watch. If you can, get that counselling session brought forward and please, please stop blaming yourself.

x

Quote:

Originally Posted by xHx

I agree C Star.

OP, it may be worth you getting in touch with your local Child Protection Team and having a chat to them. I'm sure no-one will pressure you to push for a proseuction or anything if you don't want to, but the authorities really do need to know who this guy is and where he lives so a discreet watch can be put on him.

I wish you all the best and hopefully some counselling and a bit of TLC, as well as letting off steam on here will help you out.

x

I don't know if I'm strong enough for that yet, it's been 15 years, and it's only really this year I've been able to talk about it. I opened up to a psychiatrist after a suicide attempt, and they ended up having to give me something to calm me down.

I also don't think he is bad, I was hard to deal with, which is why he reacted the way he did sometimes. I was an annoying kid, even my mum has said it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Widow57

There's no doubt that you are very brave. Your post is very moving and I feel for you. Is your counselling having any positive effects? How long have you been having it? I'm not sure that counselling is the right route for you - maybe you need to see a (good) therapist. You have a lot of issues which need to be worked through and if you have a sympathetic GP (who I imagine referred you to a counsellor), then go back and see him/her and try to find a more positive route.

I realise that you find it difficult to trust people and that probably includes the authorities but please believe that there are people out there who care and who you can trust.

I call it counselling, but it's actually art therapy, it's fine when I'm there, because I can get it all out onto paper, but it's the in-between bits that are hard.

At the moment we seem to be dealing with the issues at home, rather than this, but I guess the session is kind of determined by what I draw.

myss · 09-11-2009, 12:31

Quote:

Originally Posted by Widow57

I realise that you find it difficult to trust people and that probably includes the authorities but please believe that there are people out there who care and who you can trust.

OP I agree with the above post about trust and apart from the awful details you mention about what this lad did to you, it is this trust you may be finding as hard to deal with too. I too have trust issues too having been hit by one boyfriend, then left with a child by a fiance (that was literally my biggest kick in the stomach) and then, a long after that, finding one man who I felt was right to tell him about my background and trust issues, and who persevered with the relationship and even met my son (my biggest step in tackling trust issues), I then found out he was still married.

I can only imagine how it felt to relive those details you mention but I can surely sympathise with the wanting to like and trust someone - even as a friend - but being afraid of giving it your all in case things turn as sour. What I am trying to say that you're NOT the one in the wrong and it is NOT abnormal to be feeling the way that you do. If you wish to show your parents what you had written above, do so. It's all about you, so you shouldn't feel badly for letting them know the inner feelings of their own child.

Counselling is the right way, I did this about three years after my fiance left and started the first session completely crying for 10 mins - I think it was because I was finally addressing the issue that had still niggled at me for years despite seemingly getting on with getting on.
What a brave opening post, sometimes just writing something like that - getting off your chest - and having it all there in black and white is helpful in summing up the problem you wish to get over. I hope it did on this occasion. All the best.

samj_namesake · 09-11-2009, 12:41

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChristmasCake

I also don't think he is bad, I was hard to deal with, which is why he reacted the way he did sometimes. I was an annoying kid, even my mum has said it.

Dear heart, please please please do not even think about blaming yourself. His behaviour was inexcusable. Most of us are annoying kids, that does not under any circumstance mean we deserve to go through what you went through.

He's a horrible person, who did something horrible to you, end of. Please don't ever blame yourself. It was not, is not, never will be, your fault.

xx

xHx · 09-11-2009, 12:41

OP, please, please stop blaming yourself my dear. Being 'annoying' at the age of nine is not in any way, shape or form an excuse for an older boy to take advantage in that way.
I still reccomend you talk to the Police about him - they have officers trained specifically for this and would take things as slow as you wanted.

However, i do fully appreciate how hard it must be for you to talk openbly about this and whether you are attending art therapy or any other, as longas it helps and you can try and move on to a brighter future then that is all that matters :-)

Good luck with the drawing and keep posting here for as long as you feel it helps.

x

ChristmasCake · 09-11-2009, 12:49

I think this is something I'm going to be talking about tomorrow at the therapy because it's bothering me a lot at the moment. It's harder to talk about than it is to type it though, I'm not sure why that is.

I tried to talk about it before, but the therapist let me stop because it made me cry.

Agent Krycek · 09-11-2009, 13:03

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChristmasCake

I think this is something I'm going to be talking about tomorrow at the therapy because it's bothering me a lot at the moment. It's harder to talk about than it is to type it though, I'm not sure why that is.

I tried to talk about it before, but the therapist let me stop because it made me cry.

I think for similar reasons that it's sometimes easier to talk to strangers about problems, rather then loved ones, you don't have the same emotional connection to a stranger as you would with a loved one, so it's easier to stay slightly 'apart' from the problem. When you're typing out, you can stop, walk away, rephrase things, go over what you're trying to say and get the words perfect without physical effects of emotions getting in the way - and you're distanced from us, we're the strangers, so, as I said, it's possibly easier to talk/type to us.

Good luck with the councilling tomorrow, you come across as increadibly brave and I'm in complete awe at how you've faced up to your past, none of which was your fault, and are taking positive steps to make things better for you. Best wishes.

jodzybob · 09-11-2009, 13:36

There are few of us who can fully understand your situation but I know how hard it can be to open up. I've finally found the courage to go to the doctors this week and I'm now on antidepressants, but havn't yet found the strength to tell my friends that I never feel happy anymore.

Maybe you could try writing things down, or even printing out your original post to give to the councillor if you want to tell them but can't say it out loud.

I know you'll get through this, the moment you start believing that you can.

eunicelouise658 · 09-11-2009, 14:24

OP please realise that nothing that you did could ever be an excuse for the abuse this older boy did to you. He was never a friend, he groomed a little boy and you probably were not the first he abused. He picked up on the fact as your brother got older he wanted to hang out with his mates not you.

I feel sad you have suffered for so many years feeling you are to blame. Your mum may have felt you were an annoying 9 year old but that does not mean she would not have been horrified to know what that awful boy was doing to you. You need to give ownership of the guilt and blame for the abuse to the abuser and no longer carry it yourself.

ChristmasCake · 09-11-2009, 14:56

I think with the blaming myself, and the guilt, it's the easy way out, it's easier for me to understand if it was my fault. I need to understand why it happened, and I can't except for if I accept the blame for it.

Why else would it have happened?

There has to be an explanation, and it's the one that is the easiest to accept. Maybe it's childish, but it's how I feel.

samj_namesake · 09-11-2009, 15:13

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChristmasCake

I think with the blaming myself, and the guilt, it's the easy way out, it's easier for me to understand if it was my fault. I need to understand why it happened, and I can't except for if I accept the blame for it.

Why else would it have happened?

There has to be an explanation, and it's the one that is the easiest to accept. Maybe it's childish, but it's how I feel.

Dear heart, as difficult as this may be for you. Please try to understand, there just are some really horrible people out there. Unfortunately you are not the first, nor will you be the last who this has happened to. I understand what it's like to blame yourself when something truly traumatic, horrifying happens. I've not been in your situation, but I have had a very traumatic experience that led me to blame myself for a long time afterwards. It's hard to understand why someone would do something like this without there being a reason and all I can tell you is you just need to accept that the only reason was him being a truly vile person.

You can't change whats happened to you, but you can prevent it from happening again, by going to the police with all the information you have on this boy/man. That will also give you some control back. What happened to you, was beyond your control, but you can control your next step forward.

I hope this has helped somewhat. Please remember my offer. Feel free to pm me at any time,if you need to talk. I mean that.

xx

FearFactor · 09-11-2009, 15:19

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChristmasCake

I think with the blaming myself, and the guilt, it's the easy way out, it's easier for me to understand if it was my fault. I need to understand why it happened, and I can't except for if I accept the blame for it.

Why else would it have happened?

There has to be an explanation, and it's the one that is the easiest to accept. Maybe it's childish, but it's how I feel.

And there is an explanation sweetie - your "friend" was not a very nice person and for some reason (perhaps within his control, perhaps not) he took his bad feelings out on you. You were not and are not to blame. You just happened to become friends with someone who already had issues, and they took those issues out on you.

Take care, and do try to bring this up atyour therapy sessions if you feel ready.

Thinking of you

ChristmasCake · 09-11-2009, 15:23

Quote:

Originally Posted by samj_namesake

Dear heart, as difficult as this may be for you. Please try to understand, there just are some really horrible people out there. Unfortunately you are not the first, nor will you be the last who this has happened to. I understand what it's like to blame yourself when something truly traumatic, horrifying happens. I've not been in your situation, but I have had a very traumatic experience that led me to blame myself for a long time afterwards. It's hard to understand why someone would do something like this without there being a reason and all I can tell you is you just need to accept that the only reason was him being a truly vile person.

You can't change whats happened to you, but you can prevent it from happening again, by going to the police with all the information you have on this boy/man. That will also give you some control back. What happened to you, was beyond your control, but you can control your next step forward.

I hope this has helped somewhat. Please remember my offer. Feel free to pm me at any time,if you need to talk. I mean that.

xx

Thank you for the offer.

I'd never really considered the police option, and at the moment it just feels a bit scary.

I tend to have my life very structured and full of routine, because I find it easier to deal with things that way. It is something I can bring up in therapy though, I suppose, because they can help me do it I guess.

samcheese · 09-11-2009, 15:30

Well done on getting it all out. Bet it feels of some relief. I found huge relief when members of my family knew about abuse I'd suffered.

I know it's hard to find an explanation. Why? Why you? Why would someone do that? Nothing makes sense.
But it's true, there's just some horrible, messed up people in the world & to be honest I don't want to know what goes on in their heads.
Nothing is your fault.

Please open up to someone. Whether it's your counsellor or a family member. It honestly does help.
I've not done therapy, as I'm content with my life & don't feel it affects me, but I think when it gets to the point, as it has for you, you need help. Especially with the suicidal thoughts.

Agent Krycek · 09-11-2009, 15:33

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChristmasCake

I think with the blaming myself, and the guilt, it's the easy way out, it's easier for me to understand if it was my fault. I need to understand why it happened, and I can't except for if I accept the blame for it.

Why else would it have happened?

There has to be an explanation, and it's the one that is the easiest to accept. Maybe it's childish, but it's how I feel.

No, what you're saying makes complete sense, I had on OH who hit me, even though I did break away straight after, I still managed to convince myself that, somehow, what happened was my fault, that I somehow brought it on myself. Took awhile, and a lot of talking things through with friends, to realise he was just a controlling bully and I was lucky I made the break straightaway, it was nothing I'd done, just like what happened to you is not your fault and you bear no responsibility for it.

Whilst I'm not comparing experiences, I was a fully grown adult with a great support network to fall back on, but I do get where you're coming from.

It happened because there are people in the world who have issues, and rather then deal with them, they lash out and use those close to them - look at it this way, you know you've got to confront this and you're doing it, you're not lashing out at others, you've internalised your hurt and the therapy will, hopefully, help you to overcome this - you're making all the right steps and I wish you every bit of good luck in the world

09-11-2009, 05:05	#1
ChristmasCake Forum Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Hertfordshire Services: Virgin VIP & o2 Unlimited. Posts: 4,702 Blog Entries: 6	I'm wide awake and need to get this out of my system I don't know what advice I want, I really don't. In all likelihood, I probably won't even listen to it anyway, well I'll try to, I'll make an effort, and then I'll have an off-day and everything will just go back to the way it always has been. I don't have my counselling session till Tuesday and even now it just seems so far away, and I just need to get this out of my head so I can get some sleep. This isn't the first time I've posted in advice, and everything I've posted about before relates to this one situation..at least I think it does, I dunno, maybe I'm using it as an excuse.. It started when I was 9. I'm the middle child, and I guess I looked up to my brother a lot, he was always so cool and self-assured, and I was geeky and clumsy, and I just wanted to be like him. I guess though, when you're 14, having your younger brother around doesn't seem like much fun, so he was trying to spend less time around me. It meant that, I'd either have to just be with kids from school, or like, with kids from the neighbourhood. There was this one guy I met across the park one day, I was football mad, so spent so much time there, trying to get better, which was difficult because I was so awkward. Anyway, he was a couple of years older, and over time, I started to look up to him, he was cool, he smoked, he drank, he told his dad to shut up, you know, not things that are really respectable, but as a 9 year old I was in awe of him. In reality, his relationship with his dad wasn't good, he was often left ignored, and his mum had left them when he was younger, so he was often left to his own devices, kind of like I was. It got to a point where I would do anything for him, and he often asked for things, money, sweets, whatever, if he asked for it, I'd happily give him it. Sometimes though, he wouldn't ask, and he'd just take it, but I didn't mind, because I got to spend time with him. Occasionally, there'd be bad days, he'd shout at me, or hit me, or avoid me, and I'd feel really bad, I'd be wondering why it was happening, and I'd be apologising, really upset, often in tears, and he'd just say it was my fault for being annoying, and I'd believe him, because, well, why would he lie to me? Sometimes he'd give me stuff as well, like he bought me some marbles once, and a yo-yo, he wasn't always mean, he'd hug me, and like stroke my face, and kiss me on the cheek, and it was nice, I liked it, I liked being with him. One time I was chattering on incessantly, which even now I have a tendency to do, and like he didn't like it, so he took one of those big marbles, and threw it at me, and it caught me on the head, and I have quite a low pain threshold, so I was crying, and he was immediately sorry, he pulled me close to him, and comforted me, and said if I had just had given him some peace he wouldn't have had to do it. After a while he started to get more aggressive, and I had to hide bruises, and cuts, because he was being rough. But my parents just saw him as someone who looked out for me, they still don't know about any of this, I don't know how I would begin to bring it up with them, I couldn't even show them this, how could I? What would they think of me? Because of me, someone who was really nice, did mean things, that, I'm sure he didn't mean to, like, because why would he want to do stuff like that? One time I had been left alone with him, I can't remember why, but he'd told me he'd take me to the park to play football, so I ran upstairs and put my kit on, but he made me sit in silence instead, which left me a bit confused, but later, when it was darker, he took me over to the park, and I was like, well where's the football, and walked towards the fence because we used to use it as a goal. Anyway, he told me to shut up, and punched me in the arm, and I was like oww, that hurt, why did you do that? And he put his hand over my mouth, and shoved me against the fence and told me to shut up. When he was happy that I was going to be quiet he took my hand, and he made me touch him in places I didn't want to, as I said, I was quite awkward at that age, and rather socially inept, so I really didn't understand what was going on. Eventually he forced me down onto my knees and made me kiss him, that part of him, I really didn't want to but he said he'd tell my parents I'd been bad if I didn't, and I didn't want to get into trouble so I did it, I didn't like it, it felt funny. I said I didn't want to do it any more, and he said he didn't care what I wanted, but he dragged me up and turned me around and pushed me against the fence again so I was like, trying to move, but he had me pinned, and I wasn't strong enough, and I didn't like that I couldn't see what was going to happen, I was scared, but then, nothing was happening, and like, I was alone. I sat down on the grass against the fence, I didn't even bother to adjust my clothes, and I cried, eventually I went home. I saw him less after this, but one time I was alone with him again, I was saying sorry, and like, that I didn't mean to be bad, and he said it was okay, and he kissed me on the lips, I remember him tasting of salt and vinegar and cigarettes, and he'd just had a hair cut. I moved out of the area shortly after that, and I haven't seen him since. I've been trying to find some sort of self-worth since, and I just seem to blame myself for everything, and I can't form relationships properly, I tend to be very quick to trust people, and will forgive anything, because I'll always see everything as my fault. I seem to have four moods, I'm either depressed, anxious, hyper/happy or in a more lucid state, which I think I am in now, I dunno, I'm sat here in tears after typing all of that, it was so hard, really hard, I opened up to someone about it tonight, so I thought maybe writing it here would be easier, but it wasn't, it's taken me absolutely ages to write this post. I started writing it at 4am, and I'm still not finished with it, but yeah, it's got me a bit shaky at the moment, I'm having to constantly fix my typing errors. A few years ago I encountered someone on-line who I got pretty close to, in terms of being a friend, at least, I felt they were one of my closest friends. I even met him once, which was kind of fun. There was something about his eyes though, he just reminded me so much of the guy I knew during everything that happened before. I was absolutely fascinated with his eyes because of this. I was never sexually interested in him, that was the last thing that ever occurred to me, but, because of the similarity with the eyes, I felt it was like I was being given a second chance, I dunno what made me think that, but I felt like I had another chance to be liked by him. I don't think it helped things much that I was depressed at this time either, and I just literally threw myself at him, I harassed him, I obsessed over him, and I did anything I could just to make him like me. Of course this had the opposite effect, which was a natural enough reaction, I wasn't being rational, or normal, and I completely understand why he reacted the way he did. I think since it's been about a year since I've spoken to him, I've realised that it was all my fault, it's taken me a long time to get here, but I realise how weird, creepy and stalker-ish I was being. I'm glad I've come to that realisation because it meant I could work on changing things, which I have done, to some extent. Over this period, I also opted to take a further year out of university, and finally started on anti-depressants. I ended up with reactions to the anti-depressants, so came off of them, and get pushed around from assessment to assessment to work out which form of counselling would work best. I got a job in the mean time, just to give my life some structure and routine, but it's just allowed me to indulge my depressive moods, and withdraw from everyone. I've given up being open with people, because it's just seemed to have made things worst in the past, and I find it easier to just pretend to be the person they want me to be. I even started learning to drive just to please them. The one thing I want to do is run away though, I just want to get away as far as possible from here, but I've been running away for years, and I wonder what will happen when I actually have to stop, and think about things, and try to fix them. I've always been someone who wants to see a solution, and implement it, and with this I can't, I just can't fix it, I can't fix me, I'm just wrong, The thing is though, the way things have turned out have just been my fault, I've not been good enough, and I think I actually deserve to feel the way I do. I don't tend to use the trains much or the tube, but whenever I do, I get this overwhelming urge to just jump, or like when I'm crossing the road, I get tempted to just run into it and let a car run me over. If I'm in the kitchen, I get tempted to just cut myself, or with alcohol, I get so tempted to just drink and not stop, which I have done in the past, I can't stop with alcohol, which is why I never drink alone now. I can't even take a paracetamol by myself because people think I'd over-dose, and to be honest, I probably would, I'd just keep taking them, and taking them, just so I could forget everything. I just wish there was some magic quick fix so that I didn't have to see this every time I close my eyes, I see his eyes, I can taste him, and feel him, and it just scares me so much, and I really can't stop the tears now, I just want it all to end, I really do. And the thing is, people will post really helpful advice, I really do always get some great advice, and I listen to it for a bit, but then I'm not strong enough, and I just give up, and I hide in my bed under the covers, and try to pretend that nothing can hurt me there, but really, it's the worst place in the world, because it's the place that I think about it the most, because I'm on my own and there's nothing else to occupy my mind. I'm going to turn off this laptop though, because I don't want to look at this page any more. I'm so tempted to just not hit submit, to delete it all now, and to go back and pretend everything is okay, but I think that'd just make things worse.

09-11-2009, 06:47	#2
Kittycat73 Forum Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 1,643	I am in awe of you. The courage you have to have written all that and faced it in some way. I admire you. I understand about not hitting submit. I have anxiety problems and obsess over wether to post or not then keep editing it afterwards, most of the time deleting it. You are strong, very, very strong. You're still here aren't you? That takes guts. Even if you have contemplated suicide you haven't done it. You may say, 'Oh it's only because...,' but you let the because happen if you see what I mean? I have a 'mindfullness' tape that makes me laugh but is true/good advice. It says, 'If you're breathing, you're doing something right.' It's true isn't it? I'd say you are feeling pretty overwhelmed right now. Don't try and force it away, but just remember, you can decide you can't deal with it all right now and will cope with it all at a later date. I think the most important thing you can do for yourself right now is be your own best friend. Think from someone elses perspective, what advice would you give them if they were in your situation, also, how would you treat them? Give yourself TLC. Snuggle in that duvet, have a hot drink if you like them, watch something funny. Remember, if you want to talk, the Samaritans are always there too. Do you also have an out of hours emergency number? If not, could you 'phone in the morning and get your appointment brought foward? Just don't try and solve everything right now. It's too much for anyone. Go at your own pace. Deal with what you can handle. Put the rest on the back burner for now. I had some CBT this year and it's the best thing I've tried at managing anxiety so far. I think it would be good for you. For instance, it explains that when we are under stress our thinking can become distorted. There are a few main groups of distorted thinking. One of them is 'Taking on too much responsibilty.' Meaning that we take the blame for everything, even if it has little or nothing to do with us. Like taking responsibilities for others actions or thoughts. Then there's catastrophising, always thinking the very worst will happen. Ect. But that's something for you to think about when you feel a bit more able to cope. For now, I'd say pat yourself on the back for being so bloody brave!!! Be kind to yourself and don't expect too much of yourself today. You need TLC more than anything. You are a very couragous person, remember that if you can, and I wish you all the very best. You can and will feel better. Nothing stays the same forever. I find that thought helps too.

09-11-2009, 07:07	#3
Cstar2229 Forum Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Southern England Services: VM Cable TV & Broadband Posts: 21,899	That is terrible What I see is you thought you found a friend and they abused you for liking them. Being so impressionable, you took it and reasoned to yourself the bad stuff he did was OK because there would be nice stuff too but it was on his terms. You didn't want to lose him as his nice side made you very happy and you internalised him changing on you as being your fault. You were hurt and know his bad side was wrong but the thought of being without him was far worse than taking his nastiness, so you thought if I take the blame, he'll make me feel good again. He sensed you 'worshipped' him and decided to use that power to hurt you then be nice to you on a whim. There are some horrible people who befriend people to feel powerful in this way. All you did was trust someone you thought was nice. He is the nasty one.

09-11-2009, 07:15	#4
Barbella Forum Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Services: cheese and biscuits Posts: 2,843	I agree, with Kitty, you do have courage. You have the courage and ability to articulate your problems , which is a positive step in dealing with them. I also agree that CBT would be helpful as , from what I can you, you are stuck in a repetetive, negative thinking pattern that is tying you to an event in the past that should no longer have such an emotional hold on you. Kitty is also right about distorted thinking - your fear of Tube for example. What you have to remember is that all people have random thoughts such as 'what if I fell on there, or jumped off there, or put my hand in there etc.' The difference is in how the person interprets those thoughts. One person will laugh at themselves, another will ignore them, but someone else mightl fear those thoughts and interpret them as a genuine desire to do the thing that will harm them, even though they don't want to do it! Next time you think a thought like that , challenge it! Argue against it! Its not real, its just a thought. Learn to laugh at the random nonsense that comes into your head and not to take it seriously. I know this is easier said than done , but it can be done. You will never feel 'perfect', but then nobody does and nobody is. We are all flawed and have all been through shit. It is how we deal with the shit that is important. You have taken steps to deal with this , so you are already on your way to finding some peace of mind.

09-11-2009, 07:32	#5
EmmaActual Inactive Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: The Galactica Services: 02, BT, Freeview Posts: 334	Agree with all the good advice already given here. You desperately need counselling. I love the way you posted so bravely, so matter of factly, with no blame, no hate, (except against yourself of course which of course, you should not be feeling) but which you are feeling as a result of the terrible abuse as that is the nature of abuse. I really, really, want to stress to you that none of this is YOUR fault, you MUST remember this and tell yourself it every day. I do so hope you get the help you deserve. I am writing this with the tears running down my face.... so I can't type anymore. You are so brave for posting, and you are WONDERFUL. Emx

09-11-2009, 07:36	#6
samj_namesake Forum Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 3,647	I have to admit, I had tears in my eyes reading that. Your courage and ability to admit this is absolutely amazing. Please don't ever doubt your self worth. I won't repeat the advise already given to you, but I will say, if you ever need to talk, please feel free to pm me.

09-11-2009, 08:19	#7
xHx Forum Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Midlands Posts: 42	OP, this really IS NOT your fault, in an sense of the term. You are in no way to blame - he was a sick individual who took advantage of a vulerable young child. Now part of me urges you to get in touch with the Police - if he was willing to do it to you all those years ago, then there may be a strong chance he will do it again to someone else in the future. However, i also realise how hard it is for you to post such things and come to terms with them. I would strongly suggest, as do the other posters, that you get some 'me' time in with a nice hot drink and something funny to watch. If you can, get that counselling session brought forward and please, please stop blaming yourself. x

09-11-2009, 08:56	#9
MrsSpoon Forum Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 5,802	The OP sounds quite bright and already knows the answer. Some people are just not nice and nothing will ever change them. It seems that the OP has had more than a fair share of bad luck being surrounded by negativity. Counselling will reasure them that they are not the guilty party and good counselling is certainly needed urgently.

09-11-2009, 10:49	#10
xHx Forum Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Midlands Posts: 42	I agree C Star. OP, it may be worth you getting in touch with your local Child Protection Team and having a chat to them. I'm sure no-one will pressure you to push for a proseuction or anything if you don't want to, but the authorities really do need to know who this guy is and where he lives so a discreet watch can be put on him. I wish you all the best and hopefully some counselling and a bit of TLC, as well as letting off steam on here will help you out. x

09-11-2009, 11:43	#11
Widow57 Forum Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 69	There's no doubt that you are very brave. Your post is very moving and I feel for you. Is your counselling having any positive effects? How long have you been having it? I'm not sure that counselling is the right route for you - maybe you need to see a (good) therapist. You have a lot of issues which need to be worked through and if you have a sympathetic GP (who I imagine referred you to a counsellor), then go back and see him/her and try to find a more positive route. I realise that you find it difficult to trust people and that probably includes the authorities but please believe that there are people out there who care and who you can trust.

09-11-2009, 12:41	#15
xHx Forum Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Midlands Posts: 42	OP, please, please stop blaming yourself my dear. Being 'annoying' at the age of nine is not in any way, shape or form an excuse for an older boy to take advantage in that way. I still reccomend you talk to the Police about him - they have officers trained specifically for this and would take things as slow as you wanted. However, i do fully appreciate how hard it must be for you to talk openbly about this and whether you are attending art therapy or any other, as longas it helps and you can try and move on to a brighter future then that is all that matters :-) Good luck with the drawing and keep posting here for as long as you feel it helps. x

09-11-2009, 12:49	#16
ChristmasCake Forum Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Hertfordshire Services: Virgin VIP & o2 Unlimited. Posts: 4,702 Blog Entries: 6	I think this is something I'm going to be talking about tomorrow at the therapy because it's bothering me a lot at the moment. It's harder to talk about than it is to type it though, I'm not sure why that is. I tried to talk about it before, but the therapist let me stop because it made me cry.

09-11-2009, 13:36	#18
jodzybob Forum Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 366	There are few of us who can fully understand your situation but I know how hard it can be to open up. I've finally found the courage to go to the doctors this week and I'm now on antidepressants, but havn't yet found the strength to tell my friends that I never feel happy anymore. Maybe you could try writing things down, or even printing out your original post to give to the councillor if you want to tell them but can't say it out loud. I know you'll get through this, the moment you start believing that you can.

09-11-2009, 14:24	#19
eunicelouise658 Forum Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 1,628	OP please realise that nothing that you did could ever be an excuse for the abuse this older boy did to you. He was never a friend, he groomed a little boy and you probably were not the first he abused. He picked up on the fact as your brother got older he wanted to hang out with his mates not you. I feel sad you have suffered for so many years feeling you are to blame. Your mum may have felt you were an annoying 9 year old but that does not mean she would not have been horrified to know what that awful boy was doing to you. You need to give ownership of the guilt and blame for the abuse to the abuser and no longer carry it yourself.

09-11-2009, 14:56	#20
ChristmasCake Forum Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Hertfordshire Services: Virgin VIP & o2 Unlimited. Posts: 4,702 Blog Entries: 6	I think with the blaming myself, and the guilt, it's the easy way out, it's easier for me to understand if it was my fault. I need to understand why it happened, and I can't except for if I accept the blame for it. Why else would it have happened? There has to be an explanation, and it's the one that is the easiest to accept. Maybe it's childish, but it's how I feel.

09-11-2009, 15:30	#24
samcheese Forum Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 547	Well done on getting it all out. Bet it feels of some relief. I found huge relief when members of my family knew about abuse I'd suffered. I know it's hard to find an explanation. Why? Why you? Why would someone do that? Nothing makes sense. But it's true, there's just some horrible, messed up people in the world & to be honest I don't want to know what goes on in their heads. Nothing is your fault. Please open up to someone. Whether it's your counsellor or a family member. It honestly does help. I've not done therapy, as I'm content with my life & don't feel it affects me, but I think when it gets to the point, as it has for you, you need help. Especially with the suicidal thoughts.