best tv one liners - TV Programmes

jamesisace · 09-11-2009, 16:26

Anyone liners from any TVshow

The Simpsons

The episode where Selma marries Troy McClure

Patty : He's not right for you
Selma : You only think that because you're stuck in a dead end job you'll be doing 10 years after you die

Friends

Rachel : Hey, have you guys seen my wedding ring
Pheobe: Yes, it's beautiful

A bird has just knocked all the lottery tickets out of Pheobe's hand

Pheobe : I think I broke your bowl

sauspud · 09-11-2009, 16:47

Chuck season 2 final episode. Chuck has just kicked ass.

Casey: Chuck me.

Classic play on words.

Gill P · 09-11-2009, 16:48

From Torchwood - Sleeper

Ianto Jones: It's all over.
Owen Harper: Let's all have sex.
Ianto Jones: [deadpan] And I thought the End of the World couldn't get any worse.

Verence · 09-11-2009, 16:57

Capt. Mainwaring "Don't tell him Pike" (after a U-boat captain has asked Pvt Pike what his name is)

Sandgrownun · 09-11-2009, 17:03

Buffy (season 5, The Gift)

Spike: Well, not exactly the St. Crispin's Day speech, was it?
Giles: "We few...we happy few..."
Spike: "We band of buggered..."

carldavis75 · 09-11-2009, 18:25

Eric Morecombe to Ernie Wise (in practically any and every show): 'Tea, Ern'?'

Never failed...!

Jason100 · 09-11-2009, 18:53

The Simpsons:

Homer: D'oh!
Marge: A deer!
Lisa: A female deer!

iaindb · 09-11-2009, 19:31

Fawlty Towers:

German Guest: Will you stop talking about the war!!!
Concussed Fawlty : Me!? You started it.
German Guest : We did not start it.
Fawlty: Yes, you did. You invaded Poland.

neon tiger · 09-11-2009, 20:07

The Simpsons
Homer: This is the worst party ever
Marge: No, remember that new years eve at Lenny's? He didn't even have a clock

There are endless Father Ted ones

Father Dougal: Come on, Ted. Sure it's no more peculiar than all that stuff we learned in the seminary, you know, Heaven and Hell and everlasting life and all that type of thing. You're not meant to take it seriously, Ted

Father Dougal: Ted do you believe in the afterlife?
Father Ted: Well generally priests have a very strong belief in the afterlife.
Father Dougal: Ooh I wish I had your faith Ted!
Father Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the church? Was it like, "Collect twelve crisp packets and become a priest"?

Father Dougal: It's like a big rabbit rock festival!

To name but a few

jamesisace · 09-11-2009, 20:44

More Simpsons

Homer : Why do we need a family physicaitrist, we know our kids are nuts

Homer : Kids, kids as far as daddys concerned you're both potential murderes

Marge : I can't believe I've been talking to myself
Moleman : You have, I thought I made a friend

Family Guy

I'm gonna go bang my girlfriend and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin!"
"Good lord! Can he really say "bang my girlfriend" on TV?"
- Robber and Stewie

Everybody! Guess what I am?"
"Hmm, the end result of a drunken back seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?"
- Meg and Stewie

Johnbee · 09-11-2009, 20:50

Peter Allen on radio, today:

Here is a bag of ferrets - you can have one if you like, and if you guess how many there are you can have them both.

neon tiger · 09-11-2009, 21:05

Quote:

Originally Posted by jamesisace

Marge : I can't believe I've been talking to myself
Moleman : You have, I thought I made a friend

THis is my favourite ever! It makes me laugh and saw 'Awww' at the same time.

chattamanuk · 09-11-2009, 21:11

More Simpsons...

Homer making a speech at a BBQ.

If I could just say a few words (pause) I'd be a better public speaker
(Bart is the only one that laughs)

plimmy · 09-11-2009, 21:28

Homer on Mono Rail...........

Marge: Homer I have somebody who could help you here.

Homer: Is it Batman?

Marge: No....its a scientist.

Homer: Batman's a scientist.......

Marge: (Angrily) Look its not Batman alright?

plimmy · 09-11-2009, 21:29

Sorry another one for the oldies here.............

Gisajob !!

Rafer · 09-11-2009, 21:31

Yes minister.
Hacker has just explained to Sir Humphrey who the national newspapers are read by but has left out the sun.

Humphrey: And what about the sun readers?
Bernard: Sun readers don't care who runs the country as long as she has big tits.

jalfrezi · 10-11-2009, 14:04

I thought I knew all the best one liners from Fawlty Towers but this one must have slipped through the memory cells until I watched the DVD the other night.

Sybil is getting drunk at the bar with a male guest and is contsantly guffawing with that annoying laugh of hers.

Basil (to French lady guest): "Please don't be alarmed, it's just my wife laughing. Her local finishing school was bombed."

xTizerx · 10-11-2009, 16:40

From Life on Mars

Stop! You are surrounded by armed b****ds!

It's 1973, nearly lunchtime... I'm having 'oops

pumazooma · 10-11-2009, 21:03

Alan Partridge

"and I quote...'LOVELY STUFF!'...Not my words Michael, but the words of Shakin' Stevens!"

Monkey Tennis?

sparkle_18 · 10-11-2009, 21:05

Everything Alan Partridge says.....

c0lefax · 10-11-2009, 21:15

Frasier: Niles, I've got news for you - Copernicus called and you are not the centre of the universe!

Radical Joe · 10-11-2009, 21:25

Quote:

Originally Posted by sparkle_18

Everything Alan Partridge says.....

Yep. One among many classics...

"I'll tell you what. You farmers don't like outsiders do you. Like to stick to your own. I've seen the big-eared boys on farms. If you see a lovely field with a family having a picnic, and there's a nice pond in it, you fill in the pond with concrete, you plough the family into the field, you blow up the tree, and use the leaves to make a dress for your wife who's also your brother."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCeNROdfDIE

Also, a rant from The Thick Of It...

"You take the piss out of Jolson again and I will remove your i pod from its tiny nano sheath and push it up your cock, and then I'll put some speakers up your arse and put it onto shuffle with my f*cking fist. And every time I hear something I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track by crushing your balls."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_7pyktzpY8

BigfootBassist · 10-11-2009, 21:38

Laurel and Hardy

Ollies Wife (To Stan) - "And hows Mrs Laurel?"
Stan - "Oh fine thank you"
Ollies Wife - "Id love to meet her sometime"
Stan - "Neither do I too"

On the buses
Stan in Blakeys bedroom with a woman, Blakey wants to give him an alarm clock to get him up. As Stan opens the door and Blakey passes the clock through, Stan traps Blakeys hand.

Stan - "I told you Ive got nothing on"
Blakey - "Who wants to look at your body, Ive seen better things hanging in a butchers shop window!!"

LittleNothing · 10-11-2009, 21:55

Pretty ,uch anything that comes out he mouth of Malcom Tucker on The Thick Of It

2 classics being

Malcolm Tucker: Stop swearing? Oh ok, I'll stop swearing, you MASSIVE G*Y SH**E - F**K OFF!"

trying to qualms someones fears about working with his mini me Jamie

"relax he has never hit anyone...or at least anyone he has hit has had the balls to take it to a superior...it was a joke ok it was a joke the man is a profesional"

GoodersGold · 10-11-2009, 21:56

From the simpsons

Homer: They have the internet on computers now

In another episode Krusty is standing on a tennis court with 2 tennis rackets hanging from his ears:

Krusty: I can't stay long I'll get done for racketerring! (Makes me laugh everytime

)

09-11-2009, 16:26	#1
jamesisace Forum Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Doncaster Services: Sky Posts: 342	best tv one liners Anyone liners from any TVshow The Simpsons The episode where Selma marries Troy McClure Patty : He's not right for you Selma : You only think that because you're stuck in a dead end job you'll be doing 10 years after you die Friends Rachel : Hey, have you guys seen my wedding ring Pheobe: Yes, it's beautiful A bird has just knocked all the lottery tickets out of Pheobe's hand Pheobe : I think I broke your bowl

10-11-2009, 21:56	#25
GoodersGold Forum Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 527	From the simpsons Homer: They have the internet on computers now In another episode Krusty is standing on a tennis court with 2 tennis rackets hanging from his ears: Krusty: I can't stay long I'll get done for racketerring! (Makes me laugh everytime)

09-11-2009, 16:47	#2
sauspud Forum Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Epsom, UK Services: Sky+HD, BT 8mb, PS2, Samsung 40" 1080p, Sony DVD upscaler, Acer 5810T Posts: 727	Chuck season 2 final episode. Chuck has just kicked ass. Casey: Chuck me. Classic play on words.

09-11-2009, 16:48	#3
Gill P Forum Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 7,106	From Torchwood - Sleeper Ianto Jones: It's all over. Owen Harper: Let's all have sex. Ianto Jones: [deadpan] And I thought the End of the World couldn't get any worse.

09-11-2009, 16:57	#4
Verence Forum Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Kessingland, Suffolk Services: I reject your reality and substitute my own Posts: 23,395	Capt. Mainwaring "Don't tell him Pike" (after a U-boat captain has asked Pvt Pike what his name is)

09-11-2009, 17:03	#5
Sandgrownun Forum Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: On the shores of the Irish Sea Services: Virgin BB, Phone, Telly, Mobile Posts: 271	Buffy (season 5, The Gift) Spike: Well, not exactly the St. Crispin's Day speech, was it? Giles: "We few...we happy few..." Spike: "We band of buggered..."

09-11-2009, 18:25	#6
carldavis75 Forum Member Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Kirkby, North Nottinghamshire Services: Sky, 28" Widescreen, NTLBroadband, Crappy Old Video Recorder... Posts: 179	Eric Morecombe to Ernie Wise (in practically any and every show): 'Tea, Ern'?' Never failed...!

09-11-2009, 18:53	#7
Jason100 Forum Member Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Uranus Services: Unencrypted until 23:10pm Posts: 4,268 Blog Entries: 3	The Simpsons: Homer: D'oh! Marge: A deer! Lisa: A female deer!

09-11-2009, 19:31	#8
iaindb Forum Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 2,189	Fawlty Towers: German Guest: Will you stop talking about the war!!! Concussed Fawlty : Me!? You started it. German Guest : We did not start it. Fawlty: Yes, you did. You invaded Poland.

09-11-2009, 20:07	#9
neon tiger Forum Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Belfast, Ireland Posts: 1,254	The Simpsons Homer: This is the worst party ever Marge: No, remember that new years eve at Lenny's? He didn't even have a clock There are endless Father Ted ones Father Dougal: Come on, Ted. Sure it's no more peculiar than all that stuff we learned in the seminary, you know, Heaven and Hell and everlasting life and all that type of thing. You're not meant to take it seriously, Ted Father Dougal: Ted do you believe in the afterlife? Father Ted: Well generally priests have a very strong belief in the afterlife. Father Dougal: Ooh I wish I had your faith Ted! Father Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the church? Was it like, "Collect twelve crisp packets and become a priest"? Father Dougal: It's like a big rabbit rock festival! To name but a few

09-11-2009, 20:44	#10
jamesisace Forum Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Doncaster Services: Sky Posts: 342	More Simpsons Homer : Why do we need a family physicaitrist, we know our kids are nuts Homer : Kids, kids as far as daddys concerned you're both potential murderes Marge : I can't believe I've been talking to myself Moleman : You have, I thought I made a friend Family Guy I'm gonna go bang my girlfriend and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin!" "Good lord! Can he really say "bang my girlfriend" on TV?" - Robber and Stewie Everybody! Guess what I am?" "Hmm, the end result of a drunken back seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?" - Meg and Stewie

09-11-2009, 20:50	#11
Johnbee Forum Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 46	Peter Allen on radio, today: Here is a bag of ferrets - you can have one if you like, and if you guess how many there are you can have them both.

09-11-2009, 21:11	#13
chattamanuk Forum Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: West Services: Sky+ Posts: 464	More Simpsons... Homer making a speech at a BBQ. If I could just say a few words (pause) I'd be a better public speaker (Bart is the only one that laughs)

09-11-2009, 21:28	#14
plimmy Forum Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 60	Homer on Mono Rail........... Marge: Homer I have somebody who could help you here. Homer: Is it Batman? Marge: No....its a scientist. Homer: Batman's a scientist....... Marge: (Angrily) Look its not Batman alright?

09-11-2009, 21:29	#15
plimmy Forum Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 60	Sorry another one for the oldies here............. Gisajob !!

09-11-2009, 21:31	#16
Rafer Forum Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Missing Posts: 2,096	Yes minister. Hacker has just explained to Sir Humphrey who the national newspapers are read by but has left out the sun. Humphrey: And what about the sun readers? Bernard: Sun readers don't care who runs the country as long as she has big tits.

10-11-2009, 14:04	#17
jalfrezi Forum Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 283	I thought I knew all the best one liners from Fawlty Towers but this one must have slipped through the memory cells until I watched the DVD the other night. Sybil is getting drunk at the bar with a male guest and is contsantly guffawing with that annoying laugh of hers. Basil (to French lady guest): "Please don't be alarmed, it's just my wife laughing. Her local finishing school was bombed."

10-11-2009, 16:40	#18
xTizerx Forum Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 61	From Life on Mars Stop! You are surrounded by armed b****ds! It's 1973, nearly lunchtime... I'm having 'oops

10-11-2009, 21:03	#19
pumazooma Forum Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 411	Alan Partridge "and I quote...'LOVELY STUFF!'...Not my words Michael, but the words of Shakin' Stevens!" Monkey Tennis?

10-11-2009, 21:05	#20
sparkle_18 Forum Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Services: Virgin Media Posts: 2,213	Everything Alan Partridge says.....

10-11-2009, 21:15	#21
c0lefax Forum Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: I smell lemons! Posts: 1,010	Frasier: Niles, I've got news for you - Copernicus called and you are not the centre of the universe!

10-11-2009, 21:38	#23
BigfootBassist Forum Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 218	Laurel and Hardy Ollies Wife (To Stan) - "And hows Mrs Laurel?" Stan - "Oh fine thank you" Ollies Wife - "Id love to meet her sometime" Stan - "Neither do I too" On the buses Stan in Blakeys bedroom with a woman, Blakey wants to give him an alarm clock to get him up. As Stan opens the door and Blakey passes the clock through, Stan traps Blakeys hand. Stan - "I told you Ive got nothing on" Blakey - "Who wants to look at your body, Ive seen better things hanging in a butchers shop window!!"

10-11-2009, 21:55	#24
LittleNothing Forum Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 1,806	Pretty ,uch anything that comes out he mouth of Malcom Tucker on The Thick Of It 2 classics being Malcolm Tucker: Stop swearing? Oh ok, I'll stop swearing, you MASSIVE GY SHE - F*K OFF!" trying to qualms someones fears about working with his mini me Jamie "relax he has never hit anyone...or at least anyone he has hit has had the balls to take it to a superior...it was a joke ok it was a joke the man is a profesional"