[SuperSwiffty]

How would all you closet homosexuals react to being “outed” when you were not ready?

Let’s say you had a strict family, who didn’t understand it, with a past for dealing with things like this rather unfairly and dramatically? (a cousin of mine was sort of disowned after coming out).

Basically an old “friend” of mine is attempting to do this to me, now as a black bisexual 19 year old very popular boy from Peckham – this could cause major uproar in my life. At 14/15 I’d deal with this by beating the boy up – but that’s not me anymore – I’ve matured immensely. But I’m still stuck in a dilemma – I moved out of home when I was in first year of uni, but moved back in second year as 1st and 3rd year students get priority over dorms – and most homes in the area were not available or were too expensive for me – so I’m back home with my mum, bro and sis for the year.

My life has ONLY just felt normal recently after I had trouble with spots (had really bad acne and it crushed my self-esteem – destroyed friendships, relationships, work and education) – so now I’m back working 2 jobs one part time at a call centre and a Supervisor at a chain of night clubs, studying Journalism and Photography at university – started talking to my on and off ex-boyfriend and my skin is slowly clearing up after hiding away from the world and drastically changing my diet over the last 4 and a half years. I know my life is far from perfect but neither is the guys who’s trying ruin it! He is an orphan – who’s moved from place to place all his life and has used his sexuality (he’s out) to his advantage – (I won’t get into that) – he recently adopted this “devil worshipping” – “sell your soul” kind of attitude to life and thinks if he does so he’d be a famous vocalist – even though he cannot sing.

He has a past for attempting to ruin peoples’ lives and exposing them etc – even though I’ve been a well behaved guy lol. But in the gay community I used to be part of – people my age tend to believe anything they’re told...that doesn’t bother me – I don’t give a cr*p about what other gay people think/hear etc – especially if I know it isn’t true.

Any who enough of my childish whining, there is no reasoning with this guy – he is a childish, demonic and pretty daft homosexual, the kind that gives others a bad name – and I don’t want to reawaken my past by doing what I would years ago – what would you do?

[edEx]

Ignore him. Chances are everyone thinks he's a right **** anyway.

[SuperSwiffty]

Originally Posted by edEx

Ignore him. Chances are everyone thinks he's a right **** anyway.

Can't argue with that lol, best advice I've recieved all day - thanks man!

[samj_namesake]

Ok, well I'm not a gay guy, in fact I'm not even a guy, but I would say you're in a horrible situation with this person. I understand your family is stricked about homosexuality and therefore you want to wait till the right time to tell them, but this guy isn't letting you. I think I'm getting this right. I would say you have two options.
1: Tell your family, after all you there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You can't change who you are and you shouldn't have to.
2: Tell the guy who is blackmailing you to get a life and leave you alone, his history is not yours, he might be out but maybe you're not ready for that. Hopefully he would then see sense and leave you alone.

[SuperSwiffty]

Originally Posted by samj_namesake

Ok, well I'm not a gay guy, in fact I'm not even a guy, but I would say you're in a horrible situation with this person. I understand your family is stricked about homosexuality and therefore you want to wait till the right time to tell them, but this guy isn't letting you. I think I'm getting this right. I would say you have two options.
1: Tell your family, after all you there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You can't change who you are and you shouldn't have to.
2: Tell the guy who is blackmailing you to get a life and leave you alone, his history is not yours, he might be out but maybe you're not ready for that. Hopefully he would then see sense and leave you alone.

Thanks for the advice, I was contemplating telling my younger sister first, as I'm closest to her I wanted to see how she'd react first off (even though I assume she already has her suspicions) - but I've tried the reasoning with the guy - he won't budge - like I said he isn't all there mentally.

[samj_namesake]

Originally Posted by SuperSwiffty

Thanks for the advice, I was contemplating telling my younger sister first, as I'm closest to her I wanted to see how she'd react first off (even though I assume she already has her suspicions) - but I've tried the reasoning with the guy - he won't budge - like I said he isn't all there mentally.

Happy to help
Sorry my spelling was terrible there. It's been a long day

I understand it must take courage and I admire you for that, but frequently, or at least from what I know from friends of mine who are gay, coming out isn't as bad as they thought it would be and they've ended up being afraid for nothing. I'm not saying that is always the case, but I'm sure you understand what I'm saying.

Good Luck, by the way

[wench]

Firstly I'm not gay or male but I'll give you my opinion anyway

I would do either 1 of 2 suggestions.

1. explain to your family there is a guy who fancies you but you have told him you're straight and he wont leave you alone, so if this guy does try to out you then your family will know he's saying such things just out of jealousy and spite.

2. Get there first and tell your family in the hope they will understand and support you anyway.

[edEx]

Originally Posted by wench

Firstly I'm not gay or male but I'll give you my opinion anyway

I would do either 1 of 2 suggestions.

1. explain to your family there is a guy who fancies you but you have told him you're straight and he wont leave you alone, so if this guy does try to out you then your family will know he's saying such things just out of jealousy and spite.

2. Get there first and tell your family in the hope they will understand and support you anyway.

I don't think option 1) is doable sadly, not without causing further problems later. TBH I still think the harasser is acting out of the same need for attention that drives his other behaviour, and that simply ignoring it is the best course of action.

[AaronG]

Most are outed before they're ready. Very few out themselves.

[SuperSwiffty]

Originally Posted by samj_namesake

Happy to help
Sorry my spelling was terrible there. It's been a long day

I understand it must take courage and I admire you for that, but frequently, or at least from what I know from friends of mine who are gay, coming out isn't as bad as they thought it would be and they've ended up being afraid for nothing. I'm not saying that is always the case, but I'm sure you understand what I'm saying.

Good Luck, by the way

No problem, ditto on the long day issue lol.

& thanks again! I'm going to need it!

Originally Posted by wench

Firstly I'm not gay or male but I'll give you my opinion anyway

I would do either 1 of 2 suggestions.

1. explain to your family there is a guy who fancies you but you have told him you're straight and he wont leave you alone, so if this guy does try to out you then your family will know he's saying such things just out of jealousy and spite.

2. Get there first and tell your family in the hope they will understand and support you anyway.

The first one could actually work, because the majority is true...everything but the straight part lol - he does fancy me - but I've always told him I'm wasn't interested, and we can be friends etc - but you could tell he couldn't cope because when I got all touchy feely with someone else around him he'd throw a fit! But like Edex said:

Originally Posted by edEx

I don't think option 1) is doable sadly, not without causing further problems later. TBH I still think the harasser is acting out of the same need for attention that drives his other behaviour, and that simply ignoring it is the best course of action.

it could go wrong in so many ways - but at the same time could work perfectly as I haven't done anything that could prove I'm lying - unless he gathered all my ex's and they show my family texts etc - but I doubt that will EVER happen haha.

Originally Posted by AaronG

Most are outed before they're ready. Very few out themselves.

Thats true, hopefully I'm part of very few - theres also a very small percentage who never come out too!

Thanks for all the advice guys!

[MrsBambi]

Hello SuperSwifty

I really feel you - what a spineless individual he is... what kind of vile creature sets out to deliberately ruin someone else's life for the fun of it?! I appreciate the very difficult situation you're in at the moment. Having said that, I also agree with what other posters have said - you have nothing to be ashamed of. This disgraceful person is not helping what would already be a challenging situation - telling your family.

I am confident that if you told your family, all they would be concerned about is your happiness. You sound like a lovely person, with so much good stuff in your life - going to uni, etc. You also sound to have a lot of fantastic friends, who I'm sure would all be very supportive of you.

If you tell your family, this guy has nothing on you, and nothing to use against you. You might not feel ready right now - and by the way, I think it is totally unfair that you would be forced to come out when you are not totally ready - but in the long run, I think this might be your best option.

I wish you all the best whatever you decide, and I hope that you have people that you can confide in. You can always chat to us online.

Good luck x

[*Confidential*]

Originally Posted by AaronG

Most are outed before they're ready. Very few out themselves.

I'm straight but I'll tell you what, this is a horrible predicament to be in and I'd like to give this mate of the OP's a good slap. It must be hard enough without this kind of pathetic blackmail. I can't say or do buggar all to help you OP, other than to say I think what you are having to put up with here, is hellish. I can only wish you all the best.

[froglet]

Why not out yourself first? The people who love you will be fine about it and the rest needn't matter. Just a thought.......

[SuperSwiffty]

Originally Posted by MrsBambi

Hello SuperSwifty

I really feel you - what a spineless individual he is... what kind of vile creature sets out to deliberately ruin someone else's life for the fun of it?! I appreciate the very difficult situation you're in at the moment. Having said that, I also agree with what other posters have said - you have nothing to be ashamed of. This disgraceful person is not helping what would already be a challenging situation - telling your family.

I am confident that if you told your family, all they would be concerned about is your happiness. You sound like a lovely person, with so much good stuff in your life - going to uni, etc. You also sound to have a lot of fantastic friends, who I'm sure would all be very supportive of you.

If you tell your family, this guy has nothing on you, and nothing to use against you. You might not feel ready right now - and by the way, I think it is totally unfair that you would be forced to come out when you are not totally ready - but in the long run, I think this might be your best option.

I wish you all the best whatever you decide, and I hope that you have people that you can confide in. You can always chat to us online.

Good luck x

Thank you SO much, most of my friends have reacted well - and some of them are the most small-minded people on earth lol - but the courage to come out to the family is building up! x

Originally Posted by *Confidential*

I'm straight but I'll tell you what, this is a horrible predicament to be in and I'd like to give this mate of the OP's a good slap. It must be hard enough without this kind of pathetic blackmail. I can't say or do buggar all to help you OP, other than to say I think what you are having to put up with here, is hellish. I can only wish you all the best.

Thanks man, yeah his history is a really disturbing, I think because he can't find happiness he wants everyone else to suffer - pretty weird. But thanks again!

Originally Posted by froglet

Why not out yourself first? The people who love you will be fine about it and the rest needn't matter. Just a thought.......

I must admit everyday I get closer to telling them, but knowing my family, especially my mum and dad - it won't be easy going straight away or for years to come - I remember when I pierced my ears and added patterns to my haircuts, my parents accused me of being gay because of that and said if "if any of my children were gay I'd disown them" - that destroyed me - so I might wait till I'm out of the house before anything! Thanks though

[MrsBambi]

[/quote]I must admit everyday I get closer to telling them, but knowing my family, especially my mum and dad - it won't be easy going straight away or for years to come - I remember when I pierced my ears and added patterns to my haircuts, my parents accused me of being gay because of that and said if "if any of my children were gay I'd disown them" - that destroyed me - so I might wait till I'm out of the house before anything! Thanks though [/quote]

Hello again SS - I hope that we've been able to help you a bit.

Just something you mentioned that made me think - although I've never been in a situation or predicament like yours, I think that parents/family/people can often say things in the heat of the moment, or in a hypothetical way that they don't necessarily mean. Particularly when it comes to an issue such as someone's sexuality. Nobody knows how they are truly going to react unless confronted with the issue. I can completely understand that you might want to be out the house before you say anything (and I hope that this t**ser doesn't try to stick his oar in any time soon), but I honestly think that deep down (as much as it might be difficult for them to accept at first), your parents will want nothing but for you to be happy.
I think you sound really confident in who you are, and so you should be. I'm also really glad to hear that you have such wonderful support from friends.
I know it's much easier to say than do, but I implore you to ignore the ex. He seems to be hell-bent on spreading poison, and sounds a thoroughly unpleasant t**t. I wouldn't even give him the time of day.
Incidentally, you say you're a Peckham boy - I used to live just down the road in New Cross! Small world, eh?!

[MrsBambi]

Also, I think you would be right in perhaps chatting to your sister about it first. I often ask my brother for advice on things if I'm not sure how to approach telling my parents.

[Lippincote]

Hi SS, as others have said your parents will just want you to be happy. BUT that doesn't mean they will accept your sexuality without a major hassle. My OH's parents didn't speak to us for three years after she came out. It was a big relief that she had her own flat 200 miles away from them so didn't have to confront the grief and dramatics in person every day. (They're fine about it now, but it took them a long time.)

I hope your parents will take it a bit better than that, but I can quite understand why you want to be living away from home when you tell them.

My plan A would be to do as another poster said - ignore this guy and hope he goes away. Plan B... well you'd have to tell them, but prepare for the fallout. Best of luck!

[ChristmasCake]

Out of interest Swiffty are you Caribbean? Even now some of the attitudes towards homosexuals in the Caribbean are quite behind, how we see things here. Some quarters hide behind religion, but it could just be that your family are parroting the traditional line.

I happen to be of mixed heritage, and gay, and had to endure homophobic comments from Jamaican family, but once I came out, they were surprisingly supportive.

I think talking to your sister is a good first step though.

If I was you, I'd be so tempted to invite this guy to the house, and let him mouth off. Why would your family entertain his nonsense anyway?

[SuperSwiffty]

I must admit everyday I get closer to telling them, but knowing my family, especially my mum and dad - it won't be easy going straight away or for years to come - I remember when I pierced my ears and added patterns to my haircuts, my parents accused me of being gay because of that and said if "if any of my children were gay I'd disown them" - that destroyed me - so I might wait till I'm out of the house before anything! Thanks though [/quote]

Hello again SS - I hope that we've been able to help you a bit.

Just something you mentioned that made me think - although I've never been in a situation or predicament like yours, I think that parents/family/people can often say things in the heat of the moment, or in a hypothetical way that they don't necessarily mean. Particularly when it comes to an issue such as someone's sexuality. Nobody knows how they are truly going to react unless confronted with the issue. I can completely understand that you might want to be out the house before you say anything (and I hope that this t**ser doesn't try to stick his oar in any time soon), but I honestly think that deep down (as much as it might be difficult for them to accept at first), your parents will want nothing but for you to be happy.
I think you sound really confident in who you are, and so you should be. I'm also really glad to hear that you have such wonderful support from friends.
I know it's much easier to say than do, but I implore you to ignore the ex. He seems to be hell-bent on spreading poison, and sounds a thoroughly unpleasant t**t. I wouldn't even give him the time of day.
Incidentally, you say you're a Peckham boy - I used to live just down the road in New Cross! Small world, eh?![/quote]

Aww thanks! & wow small world indeed! But I agree, I'm sure my mum will learn to accept it! Just haven't built up the courage yet - also the guy wasn't my ex by the way lol - he was someone who wanted me but didn't get me in the end - sounds really bad but he couldn't understand that I'm not attracted to everyone!

But once again thanks, you've all been so helpful - it's comforting knowing there are still decent people about!

Originally Posted by MrsBambi

Also, I think you would be right in perhaps chatting to your sister about it first. I often ask my brother for advice on things if I'm not sure how to approach telling my parents.

Originally Posted by Lippincote

Hi SS, as others have said your parents will just want you to be happy. BUT that doesn't mean they will accept your sexuality without a major hassle. My OH's parents didn't speak to us for three years after she came out. It was a big relief that she had her own flat 200 miles away from them so didn't have to confront the grief and dramatics in person every day. (They're fine about it now, but it took them a long time.)

I hope your parents will take it a bit better than that, but I can quite understand why you want to be living away from home when you tell them.

My plan A would be to do as another poster said - ignore this guy and hope he goes away. Plan B... well you'd have to tell them, but prepare for the fallout. Best of luck!

Thanks! & it's good to hear they came round in the end, you both must have been thrilled! So far it looks like the "hype" has died down, but it's not safe for me to sit back and relax just yet, still weighing out the pros and cons of coming out myself lol, just incase!

Thanks for the advice!

Originally Posted by ChristmasCake

Out of interest Swiffty are you Caribbean? Even now some of the attitudes towards homosexuals in the Caribbean are quite behind, how we see things here. Some quarters hide behind religion, but it could just be that your family are parroting the traditional line.

I happen to be of mixed heritage, and gay, and had to endure homophobic comments from Jamaican family, but once I came out, they were surprisingly supportive.

I think talking to your sister is a good first step though.

If I was you, I'd be so tempted to invite this guy to the house, and let him mouth off. Why would your family entertain his nonsense anyway?

Very true, my mum is Nigerian and my dad Trinidadian - so I get stick from both sides for being "different" e.g. liking certain music, piercings and so on. They are very religious - which hasn't rubbed off on me and my siblings - I mean we're religious but not to the extent where we'd shun anything outside of the norm - and will do very soon - I know my sister will support me, she's also my best friend, love her to bits!

Lol, I don't think he'd have the guts to mouth off infront of my family to be honest. Thanks for the advice

[MrsBambi]

oops - sorry OP didn't read that post properly - I didn't realise he wasn't your ex - that makes him even more of a loser.... he wanted you but couldn't have you, and is behaving like a d***head out of sheer jealousy.... wow.

I think you're handling it brilliantly. I can see how it would be tempting to go back to the old ways of punching the hell out of him (which I think he would fully deserve), but that would be dignifying his ridiculous spitefulness with a response/reaction.

You're doing great Swifty. x

[ValLambert]

I asked one of my gay friends his opinion and he said you have two options.

1. call his bluff and tell your family. Your family love you, they may surprise you and support you.

2. let him tell. Your family love you, they may surprise you and support you.

Either way, you know it has to come out eventually, you're living a lie that will eventually make you unhappy. but his last word on it was that "hissy queens" like the drama, if you dont let him see it worries you, he'll lose interest. ( I actually think it's more to do with his background and he's looking for attention he never had when he was younger) He also suggested speaking to someone at the LGBT youth branch.

But stay strong, this guy is bang out of order.

[samj_namesake]

Originally Posted by ValLambert

I asked one of my gay friends his opinion and he said you have two options.

1. call his bluff and tell your family. Your family love you, they may surprise you and support you.

2. let him tell. Your family love you, they may surprise you and support you.

Either way, you know it has to come out eventually, you're living a lie that will eventually make you unhappy. but his last word on it was that "hissy queens" like the drama, if you dont let him see it worries you, he'll lose interest. ( I actually think it's more to do with his background and he's looking for attention he never had when he was younger) He also suggested speaking to someone at the LGBT youth branch.

But stay strong, this guy is bang out of order.

This is exactly what some of my friends said
They suffered horribly being afraid to come out then found it wasn't as bad as they thought it would be. One of my gay friends mum's actually said to him thank god you've finally told me, I've known for ages

Having said that though when religion is involved it can get rather more tricky. I won't go into that though. I have my own thoughts on that and while I'm always open to having a friendly, respectful debate about it, I find quite a few won't cooperate with me, seeing as I'm non religious

As you can see SS, there's quite a few people on here that are supportive of you and wishing you all the best, so please remember that and take comfort that there are those of us who feel for you and your situation and wish you all the best

[SuperSwiffty]

Thank you so much guys! I still haven't come out yet cause there are a few problems at home, just waiting for them to die down - but the guy seemed to have just dissapeared oddly enough :S - maybe he's attempting to threaten someone else lol! Either way your advice has been great!

[Margo Channing]

I can't add anything more helpful than whats already been said in this thread.

I did have someone do the same to me so i bit the bullet & told me mum i had something important to tell her.

The response & i swear i am not making this up was "can it wait till corries over?"

after that shock she & everyone else is fine with it.

[Bezmina]

LOL about corrie to Margo and to Swifty firstly am glad things have been going more smoothly for you but now this is a horrible situation and this guy sounds like a right sort, I can't give you any better advice than you've been given except I have had friends (I grew up in a strict Catholic family) whose families have really shocked them when having said they'd disown a gay child, realised when confronted with a gay child that the most important thing is that they love their child not their child's sexuality - I wish you lots of luck and I truly hope it goes well in the end.