Relationship advice- telling someone you're not interested.. - Advice

adc82140 · 09-11-2009, 20:34

It's come as a surprise this has cropped up (particularly if you look at my post history bemoaning singledom!!)

After being single seemingly forever, I'm finally happy in a relationship. However, it's like waiting for a London bus- two come at once....

I've had a call from someone I've known for a few months- we've been friends during that time, but judging from tonight's call I think she's wanting to be more than that. Had this happened six months ago, it could have been a different story. But I'm really happy in my relationship as it stands.

So I'm wondering how to deal with this. I don't want to upset anyone, or lose a friend over this.

To be honest this is a problem I thought I'd never have to deal with.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

froglet · 09-11-2009, 21:08

Whatever you say don't leave any room for doubt. Be kind but honest. Then they will know where they stand.

Tass · 10-11-2009, 00:17

Why not say what you've said here

That it would have been great 6 months ago but that you're now in a happy relationship but you value her as a friend.
You're letting her know you're not rejecting her, it's just bad timing, that you still value her and want to spend time with her, as a friend, and that you are a decent person who doesn't mess people about.
Sorted

marvola45 · 10-11-2009, 00:21

Have you mentioned to this person that you have a girlfriend? Not in a 'btw, I have a girlfriend' blunt manner but casually dropping into the conversation that you and the girlfriend were out the other night, or saw a certain film, or had the exact same discussion etc etc.

Geelong Cat · 10-11-2009, 05:08

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tass

Why not say what you've said here

That it would have been great 6 months ago but that you're now in a happy relationship but you value her as a friend.
You're letting her know you're not rejecting her, it's just bad timing, that you still value her and want to spend time with her, as a friend, and that you are a decent person who doesn't mess people about.
Sorted

Yep, I'd say that. It's not a personal rejection of her, just bad timing - I'm sure if you're upfront and honest she'll be fine about it!

frost · 10-11-2009, 09:31

Quote:

Originally Posted by Geelong Cat

Yep, I'd say that. It's not a personal rejection of her

Well it is, as he is thinking of dumping her simply in favour of some other girl whom he isnt even 100% certain wants to be in a relationship with him, because he thinks she is a better prospect than the one he is with.

If you are "really happy in your relationship as it stands", dont go ending it just because some other girl comes along, because I guarantee you, that with a 99% certainty, it wont work out, especially if she already knows you have a gf and is still making noises about wanting to be a in relationship with you, (shows she doesnt respect these things and indicates she's as likely to do it to you with someone else in the future), and in six months or so, you'll be left single and pining for the relationship you are in now.

chasinstarlight · 10-11-2009, 10:04

Quote:

Originally Posted by froglet

Whatever you say don't leave any room for doubt. Be kind but honest. Then they will know where they stand.

Firstly - congratulations on getting yourself a girlfriend ADC!

This is good advice above... too many people leave loose ends and think that saying nothing is the best way to deal with letting someone know you're not interested. It's not, it sucks, and it hurts. Yes, i'm bitter! But I can laugh about it now

Mallaha · 10-11-2009, 10:11

Mention that you have a girlfriend. As this is true, you need not feel guilty about it.
Mention it several times if necessary.

Geelong Cat · 10-11-2009, 11:38

Quote:

Originally Posted by frost

Well it is, as he is thinking of dumping her simply in favour of some other girl whom he isnt even 100% certain wants to be in a relationship with him, because he thinks she is a better prospect than the one he is with.

If you are "really happy in your relationship as it stands", dont go ending it just because some other girl comes along, because I guarantee you, that with a 99% certainty, it wont work out, especially if she already knows you have a gf and is still making noises about wanting to be a in relationship with you, (shows she doesnt respect these things and indicates she's as likely to do it to you with someone else in the future), and in six months or so, you'll be left single and pining for the relationship you are in now.

I'm confused - is that something he's said in another thread?

Just going on what the OP's said in this thread, I'd say that being told someone can't date you because they're already in a relationship is pretty low down on the scale of personal rejection. In fact, if anything it would make me have more respect for the person saying it - certainly more than if he considered dumping the current girlfriend so he could go out with me! If he did that, chances are he'd treat me the same way somewhere down the line. I agree though that if this girl is making moves on him knowing he now has a girlfriend, that's pretty disrespectful of their relationship.

frost · 10-11-2009, 12:58

Quote:

Originally Posted by Geelong Cat

I'm confused - is that something he's said in another thread?

No, I just mixed up the two girls and thought the rejection thing I responded to was the other one than it really was.

Geelong Cat · 10-11-2009, 13:00

Quote:

Originally Posted by frost

No, I just mixed up the two girls and thought the rejection thing I responded to was the other one than it really was.

Ah OK, fair enough! Well if the OP had been thinking about dumping his gf for the new girl, I'd agree with you.

adc82140 · 10-11-2009, 21:38

Thanks for all your replies. To clarify, I am happy in my relationship, and cetainly have no intention of dumping anyone for anyone else.

Geelong Cat- the person in question has no knowledge of my current relationship. That's why I really want to put her straight on this without delay- I don't want to be accused of stringing anyone along.

Chasingstarlight- Thanks!! You weren't party to that huge long Dating etc. thread earlier this year were you? I was a habitual moaning singleton on there!!

Marvola45 & Tass- that's sound advice. It's probably the best way forward. I've been invited to go and see an AmDram theatre production that my friend is putting on. I think the line "Oh that sounds great, I'll bring my girlfriend" could work here.

Thanks again guys!!

ADC

09-11-2009, 20:34	#1
adc82140 Forum Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: Twyford, Berks & Montauban, Fr Services: Motorised Zone 1 minidish 45 East to 5 East, Sky HD, Bis TV Posts: 1,388	Relationship advice- telling someone you're not interested.. It's come as a surprise this has cropped up (particularly if you look at my post history bemoaning singledom!!) After being single seemingly forever, I'm finally happy in a relationship. However, it's like waiting for a London bus- two come at once.... I've had a call from someone I've known for a few months- we've been friends during that time, but judging from tonight's call I think she's wanting to be more than that. Had this happened six months ago, it could have been a different story. But I'm really happy in my relationship as it stands. So I'm wondering how to deal with this. I don't want to upset anyone, or lose a friend over this. To be honest this is a problem I thought I'd never have to deal with. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

10-11-2009, 21:38	#12
adc82140 Forum Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: Twyford, Berks & Montauban, Fr Services: Motorised Zone 1 minidish 45 East to 5 East, Sky HD, Bis TV Posts: 1,388	Thanks for all your replies. To clarify, I am happy in my relationship, and cetainly have no intention of dumping anyone for anyone else. Geelong Cat- the person in question has no knowledge of my current relationship. That's why I really want to put her straight on this without delay- I don't want to be accused of stringing anyone along. Chasingstarlight- Thanks!! You weren't party to that huge long Dating etc. thread earlier this year were you? I was a habitual moaning singleton on there!! Marvola45 & Tass- that's sound advice. It's probably the best way forward. I've been invited to go and see an AmDram theatre production that my friend is putting on. I think the line "Oh that sounds great, I'll bring my girlfriend" could work here. Thanks again guys!! ADC Last edited by adc82140 : 10-11-2009 at 21:38. Reason: Now let's post this with all the spelling corrected

09-11-2009, 21:08	#2
froglet Forum Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 3,547	Whatever you say don't leave any room for doubt. Be kind but honest. Then they will know where they stand.

10-11-2009, 00:17	#3
Tass Forum Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 2,040	Why not say what you've said here That it would have been great 6 months ago but that you're now in a happy relationship but you value her as a friend. You're letting her know you're not rejecting her, it's just bad timing, that you still value her and want to spend time with her, as a friend, and that you are a decent person who doesn't mess people about. Sorted

10-11-2009, 00:21	#4
marvola45 Forum Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 834	Have you mentioned to this person that you have a girlfriend? Not in a 'btw, I have a girlfriend' blunt manner but casually dropping into the conversation that you and the girlfriend were out the other night, or saw a certain film, or had the exact same discussion etc etc.

10-11-2009, 10:11	#8
Mallaha Forum Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 1,086	Mention that you have a girlfriend. As this is true, you need not feel guilty about it. Mention it several times if necessary.