[MJ_lives]

Basically, I'm 15, in year 11 at school, and I am really unhappy. For the sake of this post I will call the 5 girls involved Tracy, Laura, Penny, Scarlett and Becky.

I've always had one best friend since I was about 7, and she is my cousin, and there used to be the odd bit of fun being poked because I was best friends with my cousin, but I didn't care because she really is the most wonderful person ever and is always there for me.

I've never been an easy person to get to know because, putting it bluntly, I am quite weird. I have quite a random sense of humour and am prone to saying stupid things, and am very awkward in social situations and meeting people I don't know. I'm also not your average teenager. I have absolutely no interest in smoking, drinking, doing drugs, having sex just because everyone else is. That kind of thing. I am happy walking my dog, listening to my ipod, watching telly, being with my family etc...

Twice in my life I have been bullied, once when I was very young (year 5) and once when I was in year 9. Looking back I realise this was just schoolgirls being schoolgirls, but it still changed me, especially the year 9 incident. I have since become quieter and withdrawn.

But in year 10 we started having mixed classes, which I suppose in a way was good for me because I began talking to people I never normally would have done in my year group. Me and my best friend soon became very good friends with another three girls in our year (Tracy, Laura and Penny).

It was brilliant because we were all that bit weird, not popular within the year, had the same sense of humour, shared the same hobbies and loved the same kind of music. We all had a strong hatred for all the chavs and airheaded girls in our year too. We all had so much in common and they were really lovely girls. So we all started eating lunch together, meeting up at weekends, having sleepovers, texting all the time and just generally became very close friends.

However, in July, I don't know what happened, but in the last few days before the holidays they changed. It was them and two other girls (Scarlett and Becky) who sometimes sat with us at lunches. They told everyone I had wet myself (which I hadn't) and would be quite off with me whenever we were together. So I stayed away from them for about a week to let it blow over and things, and on the last day they seemed okay with me.

Yet in the summer holidays they completely ignored me. I know Tracy had been on two holidays, but I wasn't sure which dates, and Penny had a job, so she worked every day. The Laura would occasionally text back but they were short, cold and unfriendly messages. I was only trying to organise my birthday sleepover. I didn't even get a happy birthday text. I was so upset.

On the first day back at school Tracy wasn't in (she was the one I had been closest too and got on really well out of the three), but Laura, Penny, Scarlett and Becky were really awful to me. It was Laura's birthday and I had got her a nice present, and she took it then they all ran away and tried hiding. I was quite upset and my best friend didn't really say anything. When they came back to the room where we eat lunch, they were laughing and apologized and said it was all a joke. However they have another quite spiteful friend who they fell out with (let's call her Leanne). Leanne and her boyfriend came in and basically made me feel really uncomfortable. They all went silent and just stared at me smirking. My best friend had gone elsewhere since then, and so I asked all the other girls if I had done something to upset them. They all started being really sarcastic and eventually reduced me to tears. I had been to a funeral the day before and tried explaining this, but they just accused me of lying. Then Leanne just went mad and started screaming at me to get out. I know she has violent tendencies so I gathered my things together and she started ushering me out of the door, then slammed the door on my back. I was in tears and could just hear them all laughing.

But the next day they were all fine with me. A bit offish, but way better and nicer than the previous day. They have been like this since then, but they have picked on me a bit, and they have told everyone that I am a lesbian and that I am obsessed with Lady Gaga. I am not either of these, I know I am definitly straight and I don't even like Lady Gaga. They have changed completely from the girls I became good friends with. Laura is horrible to me, calling me a freak and saying she can't believe she knows me. I don't say anything back, I just laugh and pass it off as a joke.

Scarlett is also very mean to me. And Tracy has even started talking about me behind my back to a few othe people in the year who thought we were all best friends, and they all ran away from me on a school trip a couple of weeks ago. I just feel so humiliated and have, a few times since this has been happening, been self harming with scissors and razors. I've only done it three times and can't believe I have, but I have also heavily contemplated suicide, and while I have always been to scared to do anything, there is always that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach I just can't shed.

I know this is a long post and to a lot of people is probably just typical schoolgirls and this is just me over reacting and being silly. But I don't think anyone understands. Every morning I just put on a fake and happy exterior, but inside I just feel like ending it all. I can't tell my parents, because I just can't. I can't even confide in my best friend. I am embarassed to be feeling like this. I pray every night that things may change, and I can't wait to leave school.

But there is lots of other stuff going on. I lost my grandad two years ago, and I was really close to him and I miss him with all of my heart. I have my GCSEs coming up, and my mocks this week, and I'm not the cleverest of people either. I am also really insecure and would do anything to just be anyone but me.

I'm not expecting advice or people to reply, it's just good to get this kind of thing off of my chest, and I know that other people have been/are going through this kind of thing, but at the moment I just don't know what to do with myself. Grin and bear it, move along and try for my dreams (I want to sing and have written loads of songs from the heart that mean such a lot to me but haven't told/shown anyone because I know I would be laughed at and discouraged).

I can't walk away from these friends because i have my best friend to consider because they really like her, and my school is awful when these things happen. They all take someones side (never mine) just because they like to stir things up. Thankyou to anyone who has read this post. I know it's a long one but I just need to share how I'm feeling with somebody. I can't bear feeling alone for much longer. Even in a roomful of people I feel so lonely.

[twinkletoez]

Aww hun, that sounds awful

I assume you've still got your cousin there for you? Can she see what's happening? Maybe you should have a good long chat with her?

Schoolgirls can be really bitchy sometimes, it can get really horrid, but it's the combination of hormones, and peer pressure. If their friends are acting in a way, a lot of the time, they will do the same, because it's easier than being victimised themselves.

Once you leave school, it gets better, I promise. People grow up, and usually into good people. 13-16 probably is the most awkward stage, and that causes people to act in strange ways, without thinking about other people too much.

Please just keep your head up, you can get through it. Keep your cousin on side, and power through. It will get better

If you want to PM if you ever feel you've got nobody to talk to, feel free.

[curmy]

MJ, I'm so sorry for you, you're having the most awful time (HUGS) Can you talk to your parents about this, or is there one teacher in the school you could confide in.?

Don't despair, girls can be really horrible to each other, but if you can tough it out until you do your GCSEs next year, things will improve. I know it seems endless at the moment, but so many teenagers go through this.
What do you intend to do after you've taken your exams ? Try and focus ahead and think about the future you've planned , and when you're through all this rubbish, you'll look back and think how well you did to cope with it all.

I also bet in a couple of years these girls will feel really guilty for being to vile to you.

You can PM me as well if you like, but twinkletoes sounds as if she's a really good listener.

Lots of people will come on here tomorrow and give you hugs, support and advice . Stay strong (HUGS)

[MJ_lives]

Thankyou so much This really does means such a lot to me. My biggest ambition is to just songwrite and sing, and I've been told my a few people, even my music teacher, to audition for x factor. But I won't because I really feel that people should really wotk hard to achieve their dreams. Cheating gets you no where. Otherwise I'd love to be a riding instructor. I'm not smart enough to be a vet, and I am fine with that. I wouldn't want to put animals down. But I have been riding since I was 7 and I really am passionate about horses. I even went to a stud farm for my work experience and for that week I was so happy. Even though the days were long (11 hours) I didn't want to go back to school. But thankyou both so much. Both your posts mean a lot to me. Thankyou.

[ValLambert]

Oh sweetie please dont self harm. I know it's difficult but this is all part of growing up and hard as it is you have to walk away from these girls. They aren't your friends, friends wouldn't treat you like this. I know it's hard when there are cliques at school and it doesn't have to be done obviously, just make yourself busy so you dont need to spend so much time with them. And this is about their faults not you. They sound the "freaks" regardless what they say. You sound kind and caring and thoughtful of other peoples feelings, all great qualities.

Follow your dreams and branch out. Volunteer to muck out at local stables, get involved with local theatre if you have a talent. Tou'll meet other mates and when you aren't so dependant on those girls for friendship you will see yourself properly. A little star. Dont let anyone steal your shine. Maybe one day they might even be jealous.

[ladydragon]

Ah sweetie... You sound like you're having a right old time of it at the moment...

Firstly... You certainly don't sound weird... In fact you sound a lot like my 17yr old and she had a few rough spots through school where she almost felt friendless and didn't mix very well... Tis a bit strange though as when she turned 16 she got a part time job on Saturdays and she certainly has a lot more confidence there than she does with her peers in school... It sounds as if your confidence is at a bit of an all time low right now too... Now she's at a stage in school where everyone seems to like her - although she's not 'the' girl in the year if that makes sense? A little excluded from some of the closer friendships where girls live close to each other and she doesn't have a special friend, but she gets on with everyone and is fairly relaxed - although she is still a very different person to the kid who has a ball in work and rabbits away with all age groups without hesitation...

Had some very similar upsy downsy times with my 27yr old too... So much of what you say I've heard come out of their mouths too... Girls can be hugely close buddies one minute and the next one can be terribly excluded and almost ganged up on... Sooner or later though the wheel turns and it all jumbles up into different friendships again...

It's not much help to you right now but it honestly does get better as your world gets bigger and you start to meet new people and have new experiences... This is a really horrible time and I would sooooooooooo advise you to speak to someone... Is there a mentoring system in your school? A teacher you are close to? A family member, your GP, practice nurse - or best of all, if you have a good relationship with them, your parents... The self harming is *not* good and you've got to stop that - if you need help to do so there is absolutely no shame in reaching for it...

It might not be everyone's cup of tea but my girls do enjoy my company and I can be terribly guilty of forgetting that sometimes with everything going on... A spot of lunch or a bit of window shopping and a good old chat outside of the home can set them up for a week and also remind me that they are young adults with their own questions and insecurities about life which is a bit more complicated than when they were little ones - a fact I tend to forget they've moved on from sometimes... If you're close with your mum perhaps a little time together where you can talk on a more adult platform might be helpful to you too...

x