please help sex advice needed - Advice

kit123 · 10-11-2009, 13:47

im 21 at university, and i have been going out with my boyfriend for nearlly seven months now, and i am totally in love with him. The only problem is when we have sex he is just really bad, and doesnt seem to want to do any more than 5 mins foreplay with me, and will not go down on me. I have talked to him about it, and he says he doesnt like doing it, which is fair enough, but nothing else he does really turns me on, he will only use the missionary position as he says he loses his erection in other positions, and he carnt ejaculate unless he masterbates first. This is my first sexual relationship, and i really dont enjoy sex at all, and its really getting me down. Is it my fault?

IC89 · 10-11-2009, 13:50

You both sound very inexperienced and making such a big deal of it.

Sounds like you both really need to relax, take it slow and enjoy the experience, rather than think of it as anything more than enjoyment, because it seems to be creating a lot of pressure.

the more you enjoy it, the more likely he is to try new things.

(says the 20 year old virgin

)

SourCherry · 10-11-2009, 13:51

Has it always been like this for him? Have you spoken about his relationships with other women? It sounds like he has some issues. Is there anything in his life you could link this to?

For me, it would be a nightmare and I don't know how long I could put up with it! He could at least attempt to try new things, and if it goes horribly wrong, well that's half the fun! You can just have a giggle about it and move onto something else!

kit123 · 10-11-2009, 13:55

its his first relationship too, i try to suggest new things but hes never really keen, i love him which is the problem, otherwise id not put up with it. I do things to him and he just wont retern the favour lol!

Hopeless_Savage · 10-11-2009, 13:58

So basically he's getting what he wants out the sex and doesn't care about your enjoyment?
Thats what it boils down to. Say it like that to him the next time you speak about it.

hoppyuppy · 10-11-2009, 14:00

Quote:

Originally Posted by kit123

im 21 at university, and i have been going out with my boyfriend for nearlly seven months now, and i am totally in love with him. The only problem is when we have sex he is just really bad, and doesnt seem to want to do any more than 5 mins foreplay with me, and will not go down on me. I have talked to him about it, and he says he doesnt like doing it, which is fair enough, but nothing else he does really turns me on, he will only use the missionary position as he says he loses his erection in other positions, and he carnt ejaculate unless he masterbates first. This is my first sexual relationship, and i really dont enjoy sex at all, and its really getting me down. Is it my fault?

Hmmm, I will just go and get the popcorn. This is going to run for a while and I didn`t even know it was Friday!

burton07 · 10-11-2009, 14:04

You're obviously open enough with one another to talk about it, so have you ever watched porn or erotic films together?

whackyracer · 10-11-2009, 14:25

Dump The Chump

martinamerlot · 10-11-2009, 14:29

No, it's not your fault. His behaviour is selfish and it seems he's only interested in his own pleasure and not yours. Be assertive and tell him what you want...if he can't handle it he's not right for you.

JBag · 10-11-2009, 14:39

Is this the BF who you were not sure would even *have* sex with you several months ago?

http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/forums/s...d.php?t=973171

I think the answer is in there -- you have caused him to break his own moral code already and many catholics don't like to do much more than the "missionary" position .... especially if he is young, inexperienced and already thinks he is doing *wrong* by breaking his moral code by having sex with you in the first place.

oldtimer55 · 10-11-2009, 14:42

At least you seem to have got over your shyness,kit.

Well done on that

Student@30 · 10-11-2009, 14:43

ask him if he wants to pop it in the back without a warrant

if he is really 'up' for that - he is probably gay.

Charlie Coo · 10-11-2009, 14:51

Quote:

Originally Posted by JBag

Is this the BF who you were not sure would even *have* sex with you several months ago?

http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/forums/s...d.php?t=973171

I think the answer is in there -- you have caused him to break his own moral code already and many catholics don't like to do much more than the "missionary" position .... especially if he is young, inexperienced and already thinks he is doing *wrong* by breaking his moral code by having sex with you in the first place.

Ahhhh it's probably a good old case of Catholic guilt if it's the same guy.

DerekPAgain · 10-11-2009, 15:05

The timings are a little wrong - she's been seeing this guy since March / April and she says thuis is her first sexual relationship

Having said that it sounds like he's completely stressed out over "performing" up to the OP's standards.

kit123 · 10-11-2009, 15:08

yes it is the same guy, and it was his choice i didnt pressure him, i dont feel guilty! why should i? i think ur right im gonna be more assertive, maybe it does have something to do with his religion, arrgghhh complicated! thanks for your advice everyone

ladydragon · 10-11-2009, 15:12

Quote:

Originally Posted by kit123

its his first relationship too, i try to suggest new things but hes never really keen, i love him which is the problem, otherwise id not put up with it. I do things to him and he just wont retern the favour lol!

No, it's not your fault if he's having difficulties and it's not your fault that he's reluctant to try new things...

Perhaps taking sex off the agenda and try some nice body massages so you can both learn what the other likes etc...

Having said that, if his belief system about no sex before marriage has been compromised rather than him wholeheartedly embracing this aspect of your relationship; or he feels that he's been pressured into having sex when he's not really ready for it - I'm afraid you've got deeper issues to contend with and it doesn't bode well...

AaronG · 10-11-2009, 15:13

Sex is a very selfish thing. The only thing that's shared is timing.

Charlie Coo · 10-11-2009, 15:20

Quote:

Originally Posted by kit123

yes it is the same guy, and it was his choice i didnt pressure him, i dont feel guilty! why should i? i think ur right im gonna be more assertive, maybe it does have something to do with his religion, arrgghhh complicated! thanks for your advice everyone

Not sure if you were referring to my post but I didn't mean you feeling guilty but him - he's gone against what he really believed in and guilt is a huge part of Catholicism, also if he believed in no sex before marriage that much he probably feels as though what he's doing is "wrong"

Shappy · 10-11-2009, 15:36

I think it is the guilt thing too, coupled with inexperience. He may not be able to let go because in his moral code, sex outside of marriage is wrong.

I think you need to be more understanding of this great shift in stance he has undertaken, and that sometimes going against our morals (irrelevant of whether our morals are sensible or not) can sometimes cause people to become severely depressed.

Not to say he is depressed, but just highlighting how big a deal it can be for some.

Hopeless_Savage · 10-11-2009, 15:37

Whaaat no. Guilt thing? He's taking his pleasure and giving her none. Don't let religion be his excuse.
He sounds like is having some sexual problems though with needing to give himself a hand to arrive.

burton07 · 10-11-2009, 16:23

Personally, I think he's got big problems. If sex is not good now when the relationship is fresh and new, then it's not gonna get any better.

David ® · 10-11-2009, 17:14

Well if the tables were turned and swapped positions (no pun intended), and he was on here talking about you not giving him oral but he does or you only allowing the miss postion, I wonder if the same advice would be given.

I suspect it wouldn't. He would be shot down in flames with advice like, you shouldn't be pressurising her into things she is not comfortable with, shes not ready, give her time, discuss it, you should respect her wishes and her beliefs etc..

just a thought.

iiHEARTy0u · 10-11-2009, 17:19

Have a random 1 night stand and then decide if you want to go back to crap sex.

burton07 · 10-11-2009, 17:26

Quote:

Originally Posted by iiHEARTy0u

Have a random 1 night stand and then decide if you want to go back to crap sex.

Yes, I agree and I was going to say that but I thought I'd get flamed for encouraging the OP to be unfaithful.

Bedsit Bob · 10-11-2009, 17:31

When you say you "do things to him", are you talking about similar to what you want him to do to you?

To be blunt, do you mean you're giving him oral, but he's not returning the favour?

10-11-2009, 13:47	#1
kit123 Forum Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 1,114	please help sex advice needed im 21 at university, and i have been going out with my boyfriend for nearlly seven months now, and i am totally in love with him. The only problem is when we have sex he is just really bad, and doesnt seem to want to do any more than 5 mins foreplay with me, and will not go down on me. I have talked to him about it, and he says he doesnt like doing it, which is fair enough, but nothing else he does really turns me on, he will only use the missionary position as he says he loses his erection in other positions, and he carnt ejaculate unless he masterbates first. This is my first sexual relationship, and i really dont enjoy sex at all, and its really getting me down. Is it my fault?

10-11-2009, 13:50	#2
IC89 Forum Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Leicester Services: Freeview+, Freesat from Sky Posts: 350	You both sound very inexperienced and making such a big deal of it. Sounds like you both really need to relax, take it slow and enjoy the experience, rather than think of it as anything more than enjoyment, because it seems to be creating a lot of pressure. the more you enjoy it, the more likely he is to try new things. (says the 20 year old virgin )

10-11-2009, 13:51	#3
SourCherry Forum Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 688	Has it always been like this for him? Have you spoken about his relationships with other women? It sounds like he has some issues. Is there anything in his life you could link this to? For me, it would be a nightmare and I don't know how long I could put up with it! He could at least attempt to try new things, and if it goes horribly wrong, well that's half the fun! You can just have a giggle about it and move onto something else!

10-11-2009, 13:55	#4
kit123 Forum Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 1,114	its his first relationship too, i try to suggest new things but hes never really keen, i love him which is the problem, otherwise id not put up with it. I do things to him and he just wont retern the favour lol!

10-11-2009, 13:58	#5
Hopeless_Savage Forum Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Derby, England. ♀ Services: Virgin Media VIP Posts: 2,355	So basically he's getting what he wants out the sex and doesn't care about your enjoyment? Thats what it boils down to. Say it like that to him the next time you speak about it.

10-11-2009, 14:04	#7
burton07 Forum Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Sitting at my PC Services: M1 Newport Pagnall, M1 Toddington Posts: 2,041	You're obviously open enough with one another to talk about it, so have you ever watched porn or erotic films together?

10-11-2009, 14:25	#8
whackyracer Forum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 4,436	Dump The Chump

10-11-2009, 14:29	#9
martinamerlot Forum Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Services: I'm a lay-dee! Posts: 3,383	No, it's not your fault. His behaviour is selfish and it seems he's only interested in his own pleasure and not yours. Be assertive and tell him what you want...if he can't handle it he's not right for you.

10-11-2009, 14:39	#10
JBag Forum Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 12	Is this the BF who you were not sure would even have sex with you several months ago? http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/forums/s...d.php?t=973171 I think the answer is in there -- you have caused him to break his own moral code already and many catholics don't like to do much more than the "missionary" position .... especially if he is young, inexperienced and already thinks he is doing wrong by breaking his moral code by having sex with you in the first place.

10-11-2009, 14:42	#11
oldtimer55 Inactive Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Devon Posts: 493	At least you seem to have got over your shyness,kit. Well done on that

10-11-2009, 14:43	#12
Student@30 Forum Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 468	ask him if he wants to pop it in the back without a warrant if he is really 'up' for that - he is probably gay.

10-11-2009, 15:05	#14
DerekPAgain Forum Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Aberdeenshire Posts: 1,598	The timings are a little wrong - she's been seeing this guy since March / April and she says thuis is her first sexual relationship Having said that it sounds like he's completely stressed out over "performing" up to the OP's standards.

10-11-2009, 15:08	#15
kit123 Forum Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 1,114	yes it is the same guy, and it was his choice i didnt pressure him, i dont feel guilty! why should i? i think ur right im gonna be more assertive, maybe it does have something to do with his religion, arrgghhh complicated! thanks for your advice everyone

10-11-2009, 15:13	#17
AaronG Forum Member Join Date: May 2005 Services: Men, Regularly Posts: 26,232	Sex is a very selfish thing. The only thing that's shared is timing.

10-11-2009, 15:36	#19
Shappy Forum Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: By the window Posts: 3,416	I think it is the guilt thing too, coupled with inexperience. He may not be able to let go because in his moral code, sex outside of marriage is wrong. I think you need to be more understanding of this great shift in stance he has undertaken, and that sometimes going against our morals (irrelevant of whether our morals are sensible or not) can sometimes cause people to become severely depressed. Not to say he is depressed, but just highlighting how big a deal it can be for some.

10-11-2009, 15:37	#20
Hopeless_Savage Forum Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Derby, England. ♀ Services: Virgin Media VIP Posts: 2,355	Whaaat no. Guilt thing? He's taking his pleasure and giving her none. Don't let religion be his excuse. He sounds like is having some sexual problems though with needing to give himself a hand to arrive.

10-11-2009, 16:23	#21
burton07 Forum Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Sitting at my PC Services: M1 Newport Pagnall, M1 Toddington Posts: 2,041	Personally, I think he's got big problems. If sex is not good now when the relationship is fresh and new, then it's not gonna get any better.

10-11-2009, 17:14	#22
David ® Forum Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 100	Well if the tables were turned and swapped positions (no pun intended), and he was on here talking about you not giving him oral but he does or you only allowing the miss postion, I wonder if the same advice would be given. I suspect it wouldn't. He would be shot down in flames with advice like, you shouldn't be pressurising her into things she is not comfortable with, shes not ready, give her time, discuss it, you should respect her wishes and her beliefs etc.. just a thought.

10-11-2009, 17:19	#23
iiHEARTy0u Forum Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Scotland xx Posts: 8,259	Have a random 1 night stand and then decide if you want to go back to crap sex.

10-11-2009, 17:31	#25
Bedsit Bob Forum Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: North West Services: 3 Mobile Dongle. Posts: 1,521	When you say you "do things to him", are you talking about similar to what you want him to do to you? To be blunt, do you mean you're giving him oral, but he's not returning the favour?