[Ponglie]

My relationship with my Mum had been very awkward for the past 8 years but it had graduallly gotten worse.

I have recently cut all ties with my Mum and Sister as I was fed up of being hurt...there is only so much you can take before you have to protect yourself.

The thing is I still dont feel any better, I feel so shiit about it. Not as bad as before I cut them out of my life but I still feel really sad about it.

I don't really want to go into detail but it would take forever anyway but how can I protect myself from all of this hurt?

Has anyone been in a similar situation where they have had to distance themsleves from someone they care about to protect themselves?

[*Confidential*]

Originally Posted by Ponglie

My relationship with my Mum had been very awkward for the past 8 years but it had graduallly gotten worse.

I have recently cut all ties with my Mum and Sister as I was fed up of being hurt...there is only so much you can take before you have to protect yourself.

The thing is I still dont feel any better, I feel so shiit about it. Not as bad as before I cut them out of my life but I still feel really sad about it.

I don't really want to go into detail but it would take forever anyway but how can I protect myself from all of this hurt?

Has anyone been in a similar situation where they have had to distance themsleves from someone they care about to protect themselves?

Yes, I have.

The hard answer is you stay there for them, and it's hell.

You walk away, and think about them all the time. and it's hell.

My situation was that I had to accept that whatever choice I made, I would feel hellish either way. Not breaking ties meant I could do nothing to change anything but still got caught up in the melee and mayhem - which began to affect me in several unhealthy ways.

Breaking ties meant I lived with the guilt of doing so. Not easy let me tell you. At least this way it's my choice, the other way meant someone else's actions decided whether I was having a good day/week/month. I wasn't coping with that. Result was that my decision required me to pull away from others in the family too.

Can only wish you luck, I don't regret it, I always feel guilty, but am healthier for it. I hope some of that makes sense and helps?

[DARCYF]

Unfortunately you can't. I would only advise you to think really carefully about the consequences of your actions. I don't know what you have been through, so don't want to patronise you. If the situation is so bad that the only way to keep yourself sane is to remove yourself, then that might be the best option. You could explain to them how you feel and ask them to give you some breathing space of a couple of months or so to get back to yourself. Just remember that it is often harder to retrieve situations when a lot of time has passed in that it is often harder to get back in touch. However, if you do decide that to cut them totally out is the best option for you at this time then make that decision. You will still feel guilt and hurt and this will last. I went through some problems in the past with my father and it has been more than 5 years since I last spoke to him (although he visits my sis weekly). I still feel guilt but could no longer put up with the wanting to be in my life and then not. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[quatro]

I have indeed been in a similar position to yourself.
Its very difficult and heart wrenching - protecting yourself on the one hand and on the other hurting for the deep loss, disappointment, and feeling guilty, wondering if it was the only way. Feeling pulled in both directions isn't a good feeling and brings pressure with it.

I tried everything to get along with my mother - I cant explain on here what the problems were, [and of course my sister sided with my mother after only hearing mothers take on it all and having never once talked to me about what was happening].

Nothing seemed to work over the years, nothing - not talking, writing letters, opening up, being distant, crying, being angry, inviting her over, phoning her, leaving her alone.....etc.etc. No approach worked.

I cut off from them both - for a period of time. Everyone was very hurt by this. I eventually decided to have contact with both as I missed my mother so much - but on MY terms, what I was comfortable with so that she/they would not interfere with my life but the connection was kept.

It was extremely difficult, to put it mildly! People who knew me were affected but understood what was happening and that my moods went up and down according to how hurt I was by their behaviour and attitude to me.

Fast forward to a couple of years ago. My mother became very ill and eventually died. In that time things shifted and changed. We grew to understand each other and to forgive. The last thing she said to me was that she loved me over and over again[I was never sure]...and I told her the same, and meant it.

I was glad I kept in touch, we found some resolution in the end and I am so glad now.

Sometimes life is tough and sometimes we have to accept that, and there is something good at the end. Sometimes there is nothing left but to walk away and a lot of people do. However it seems you are not happy with the way things are - and that means it needs to be thought through and maybe changed [?]

My story is long and complicated as I am sure yours is but PM me if you want to talk more about your dilemma. Good luck x

[Rowdy]

Oops - I thought this was Bobbit-related..........sorry

[Erlang]

I' m fine with it, but I only married into the family, it's been tough on my partner for over a decade, but there will never be a reconciliation.

She doesn't have a problem with the estrangement, but is still unable to pick up the pieces from the betrayal that caused the estrangement.

Sometimes things are so bad they can never be repaired. But everyone has to weight up if they can forgive or not.

[Andy Carlton]

Yes I have a few times, and I guarantee that they will want you before you want them.

Going back to the 80's, I never got on with my mother as she was quite strict and wanted to wrap me up in cotton wool and I wanted to grow up quick and have a life. My mother hated the fact that I had a serious girlfriend...and even more so that I got married to her and that was the final straw. (no she didn't attend the wedding) She constantly cut herself off because I didn't play my life how she wanted it. I knew it would come to this anyway. She wanted nothing more to do with me and I was a bit hurt at the time, but I got used to it and thought what the hell.

As the months passed by i saw other relatives who constantly told me to make it up with her, I tried and she just didn't want to know...so fair enough. It wasn't until towards the end of her life that she came round to accept that I had my own life with who I want. There has always been rifts in my family from since I can remember.

My sister I have not seen since 1989 (the day of my mothers funeral infact) and actually I dont have anything to do with anyone from what is left from my family as they are all two faced and dont give a damn. I have learned NOT to feel guilty over this.

Many think just because they are blood related that you should love and cherish them blah blah...erm....no chance! Do they give a damn about me? - no, so I dont give a damn about them. I have better friends than family and they have treated me better than most of my family have ever treated me and It took a while for me to realise i was better off without them and I have had no family contact for over 20 years. I will not even get involved with anyone who has close family as their lives are dictated by them.

Just because they are family doesn't mean both parties are meant to get on - totally the opposite infact in lots of cases.

My advice (and i'll cut straight to the chase) is that if you don't get on and they cause you problems...wash your hands with them. You don't owe your parents a bean, they decided to have you as a child - YOU didn't fall from the sky and ask them to support and look after you as a child, it was 'their' decision. Parents (and family) often make YOU feel guilty over a trivial argument, they dictate, run your life, tell you how you feel and before you know it...you turn into them....and still give you a hard time over it. They will want YOU before you want them once you show them that you CAN live without them.

How I look at it, you can pick your friends...but not your family and it makes me wonder why people take so much crap from family just because they are related?

[Cstar2229]

Like any breakup, time is the only thing that eases any pain.

My mother and I haven't spoke in weeks and have mixed feelings.

I haven't missed her put downs and moodiness but feel a sense of loss.

[Cstar2229]

Originally Posted by Andy Carlton

Yes I have a few times, and I guarantee that they will want you before you want them.

Going back to the 80's, I never got on with my mother as she was quite strict and wanted to wrap me up in cotton wool and I wanted to grow up quick and have a life. My mother hated the fact that I had a serious girlfriend...and even more so that I got married to her and that was the final straw. (no she didn't attend the wedding) She constantly cut herself off because I didn't play my life how she wanted it. I knew it would come to this anyway. She wanted nothing more to do with me and I was a bit hurt at the time, but I got used to it and thought what the hell.

As the months passed by i saw other relatives who constantly told me to make it up with her, I tried and she just didn't want to know...so fair enough. It wasn't until towards the end of her life that she came round to accept that I had my own life with who I want. There has always been rifts in my family from since I can remember.

My sister I have not seen since 1989 (the day of my mothers funeral infact) and actually I dont have anything to do with anyone from what is left from my family as they are all two faced and dont give a damn. I have learned NOT to feel guilty over this.

Many think just because they are blood related that you should love and cherish them blah blah...erm....no chance! Do they give a damn about me? - no, so I dont give a damn about them. I have better friends than family and they have treated me better than most of my family have ever treated me and It took a while for me to realise i was better off without them and I have had no family contact for over 20 years. I will not even get involved with anyone who has close family as their lives are dictated by them.

Just because they are family doesn't mean both parties are meant to get on - totally the opposite infact in lots of cases.

My advice (and i'll cut straight to the chase) is that if you don't get on and they cause you problems...wash your hands with them. You don't owe your parents a bean, they decided to have you as a child - YOU didn't fall from the sky and ask them to support and look after you as a child, it was 'their' decision. Parents (and family) often make YOU feel guilty over a trivial argument, they dictate, run your life, tell you how you feel and before you know it...you turn into them....and still give you a hard time over it. They will want YOU before you want them once you show them that you CAN live without them.

How I look at it, you can pick your friends...but not your family and it makes me wonder why people take so much crap from family just because they are related?

I fully agree but it is sad that some families end up this way. As children we do our best to please ourselves and hope our parents are happy for us unconditionally but it doesn't always happen.

My mother was the same, she was my best friend until I had my first serious relationship, then she turned on me. She didn't want me to grow up and be a person in my own right.

She acted very strangely towards us a few weeks ago because we said we might have to relocate to find work or business and we haven't spoken since. I feel she wants us to stay near her to be at her beck and call till she dies.

Like the OP says, sometimes you have to cut the ties but it is still difficult.

[CJ32]

I haven't cut off (well, not completely) from family but I imagine you must have had good reasons for what you did, so try to remember what those reasons were, why you're doing it and time may heal.

[starsburn]

Deleted, as I realised my post was rather irrelevant to the OP. Sorry!

[Andy Carlton]

Originally Posted by Cstar2229

I fully agree but it is sad that some families end up this way. As children we do our best to please ourselves and hope our parents are happy for us unconditionally but it doesn't always happen.

My mother was the same, she was my best friend until I had my first serious relationship, then she turned on me. She didn't want me to grow up and be a person in my own right.

She acted very strangely towards us a few weeks ago because we said we might have to relocate to find work or business and we haven't spoken since. I feel she wants us to stay near her to be at her beck and call till she dies.

Like the OP says, sometimes you have to cut the ties but it is still difficult.

It is quite sad (as you say) that your mother was your best friend until you wanted your own life with your first serious relationship and then she turned on you. This scenario is a lot more comon than many think. (don't feel guilty though for wanting your own life!)

Some mothers find it difficult to 'cut the apron strings' (if that makes sense) and they find it hard to accept that their child has now grown up and is no longer a child...but an adult who wants their OWN life.

Despite that the person is your 'mother' - you still need to lay the laws down and do your own thing and not to feel guilty just because she does not agree with your decisions.

You both want to venture out to find work...it is survival and 'life' in general and it is what people do and you simply cannot revolve your life around family just because they disagree with something they don't approve of.

It is not difficult for too long because they soon realise that you are in control...and not them. Why should you put your life on hold just because family (or a certain family member) disagrees with what you are doing to gain a better life for yourself?

People really need to stop feeling remorse over family members.

My current partner (of 15 years) has one heck of a weird set up of a family and it angers me to the core to be honest.

My partner has 2 sisters and 1 brother (plus mother and father) - the 2 sisters and brother have all since left home.

My girlfriends mother NEVER contacts her (unless there is a problem), and neither does she come down to ever see her, the father never contacts her and again has never once came down to see his daughter..yet my girlfriend goes down every 2-3 weeks to see THEM! The 2 sisters and brother have never once been down and not ONE single phone call from either of them. My girlfriends family do not give a $**t about her whatsoever and this has ended up in several arguments over the years because my girlfriends family do not want to know her...yet she constantly visits her mom and dad who don't care in the slightest.

If my girlfriend never contacted THEM...they would never contact her. Every year my girlfriends mother buys me some cheapo present from poundland...no idea why, but this year I am going to refuse it...and bin it because why should I take presents form someone who never comes down to see her daughter and best of all...never even has contct with me? (I am not even allowed in the house because of her dads rules)

Thank god I have no immediate family...I could not take the hassle to be honest.

[Torrid Affair]

OP, basically you are allowing guilt to get the best of you. There is this feeling conveyed, or this concept put out there that since they are your family you must maintain a relationship but in truth, it can totally mess your life up and it can be extremely unhealthy. When you have such a bad relationship with anyone, you have to remove the relationship and allow it to heal and sometimes it's possible to have one in the future and sometimes not. The important part is, since you have removed the relationship, it's time to begin to heal from it and there are various ways to go about that.

Professional counseling, therapy, visiting a psychologist or psychiatrist is one way and getting out, dealing with and letting go all the emotions and all you have been through in the relationship with an objective professional is really an excellent way, in my opinion to heal. Also, writing a journal about your relationships a couple of times a week and getting out the emotions that way is another way to deal with it. Pray and meditation on it is something I highly suggest if you are into that. But I want to say, you have to now actively work to heal yourself from it, let go of the relationships and all the prior pain they have inflicted upon you and let go of the guilt of not having relationships with your Mum and sister. It's work but it will well be worth it in the end. Letting go of the relationships is not enough, healing must occur now.

You may very well get to a place where you can pray for your Mum and sister and send them out beautiful love and light and good intentions. It's a very important place for you to get to and a good place, without anger, bitterness, sadness, guilt or pain.

I work from the dynamic that all our relationships must be purposeful. When a relationship is not purposeful but detrimental or toxic, I believe you have a duty or obligation to yourself and to the other party who is not benefitting either, to let go of that relationship and allow healing to take place for all involved. So pray for the healing of your Mum and sister too, it will help.

It would completely help you to get to a point of forgiveness with your Mum and sister but that's not an overnight thing, it takes work. Do the work and I promise you, that you will feel much, much better.

[tegan1973]

Sometimes you have no choice but to cut contact. And you feel pain. In my case, I regret not having the relationship everyone else has with their mother. I grieve for what might have been. But then I remember how much she hurt me and how I still cry over it all these months later.

So my advice is to accept the pain and remind yourself why you are having to take this step to protect yourself.

[jesus of xanadu]

Originally Posted by Ponglie

My relationship with my Mum had been very awkward for the past 8 years but it had graduallly gotten worse.

I have recently cut all ties with my Mum and Sister as I was fed up of being hurt...there is only so much you can take before you have to protect yourself.

The thing is I still dont feel any better, I feel so shiit about it. Not as bad as before I cut them out of my life but I still feel really sad about it.

I don't really want to go into detail but it would take forever anyway but how can I protect myself from all of this hurt?

Has anyone been in a similar situation where they have had to distance themsleves from someone they care about to protect themselves?

Only you can make that choice.. I 'cut of' my Mother for 20 years.. no regrets.. I recently made contact again because of my children.. we get on a bit better but it's far from perfect.

[yorkiegal]

I stopped having contact with a violent family member 5 years ago. It hasn't been hard not to see him but it's been difficult to cope with the rest of my family, with whom he has regular contact. I'm the only family member he's ever been violent with so they have no problem with him. I've got sick of arguing my side on this and realised that people like my Dad don't see what they don't want to see. When my dad was very poorly he asked me to re-establish contact with this family member, which I did despites not wanting to. This time around it was them who said no to any contact, which left me feeling very vulnerable for having put myself in that situation and angry that I'd done that to myself.

The only current problem is that I can't attend family functions anymore because he and his family might be there. I know this causes problems for my Dad who must feel split between us. I suppose the next time we will meet is at Dad's funeral, at which point this person becomes my official next of kin, a situation I'm going to have to seek legal advice on.

[gray_v]

Sometimes it is best to not have someone in your life because of the pain they cause, be it friend or family member.

I come from a very religious family and when I came out I got shunned by a few family members. My mother was weird about it at first but she came around in the end, doted on me and my ex-boyfriend in equal measure.

But some of the others either didnt want to talk to me full stop, or they wanted to cherry pick which parts of my life they wanted to enquire about. I think to them, if they didnt mention it, then it didnt exist.

Thing is my OH is a big part of my life and I am not going sensor my life with him for their benefit. So I simply didnt bother with those who couldnt handle the situation. Unfortunately, other family members who I thought were sympathetic to my life, seem to be a little two faced about it all.

In the end it was causing me so much anger and annoyance, I said f*ck it, game over. If they are causing me this much pain, I will simply remove myself from the situation. So I hardly see any of my family now (much less since my mum passed away last year). But I'm happy and consider my OH my family now.

I havent completely closed the door on them, if they feel ready to accept me completely, and want to know about my life then I will welcome them in.

[horseychick28]

Me and my mum don't get on at all, she's made some very selfish decisions while I was growing up which meant some pretty terrible things happening to me but all she could see was she'd rather have some bloke on her arm, sod the fact that she's a mother.

After she threw me out and I never went back, she never visited me except when she wanted something, I always did the running and this has been the case for the past 8 years until I had my daughter five months ago. She didn't bother coming to visit me in hospital (said an hour and a half drive was too much messing around) and then rang me a week later screaming that I didn't love her and treated her like s**t.

She now wont contact me except by note and these are either really nice or pretty nasty depending on what game she's playing (ie she wants me to contact her). She doesn't like the fact that I am refusing to play her games now and my birthday present off her was a box of chocolates which she didn't wrap and a card which just said 'from mum' so I'm not going to contact her again.

It's pretty crap when your parents turn out to be totally incapable of being parents (haven't seen my violent dad for nearly thirty years). It hurts to cut your family off but I honestly believe I'll be better off without such a negative influence around me but it's completely down to the individual and it's not an easy one!

[jasvinyl]

I don't see any of my family at all, and haven't for many years.

While it occasionally makes me feel sad for that to be the case, I know that I can't change who they are (nor would I try), nor who I am (no matter how much they might want me to).

It's just the way it is.

[GetMeOuttaHere]

Not nice when you decide you've had enough and need to cut a close family member out of your life for your own sake as well as theirs too. Time isn't necessarily the healer but it helps you come to terms with the decision you made and you learn to adapt to a way of life without that person in it and same goes for the person you've done it to. Remember they're hurting too, they may not show it but deep down they are. We all think we're right in how we treat our loved ones, or if they've wronged us and sometimes its better to walk away rather than continually butt heads.

[Siannah]

Originally Posted by Cstar2229

I fully agree but it is sad that some families end up this way. As children we do our best to please ourselves and hope our parents are happy for us unconditionally but it doesn't always happen.

My mother was the same, she was my best friend until I had my first serious relationship, then she turned on me. She didn't want me to grow up and be a person in my own right.

She acted very strangely towards us a few weeks ago because we said we might have to relocate to find work or business and we haven't spoken since. I feel she wants us to stay near her to be at her beck and call till she dies.

Like the OP says, sometimes you have to cut the ties but it is still difficult.

Do you ever wonder whether YOU may need help in your older years and how your children will feel knowing how you've behaved towards your parents?

[Siannah]

Originally Posted by Ponglie

My relationship with my Mum had been very awkward for the past 8 years but it had graduallly gotten worse.

I have recently cut all ties with my Mum and Sister as I was fed up of being hurt...there is only so much you can take before you have to protect yourself.

The thing is I still dont feel any better, I feel so shiit about it. Not as bad as before I cut them out of my life but I still feel really sad about it.

I don't really want to go into detail but it would take forever anyway but how can I protect myself from all of this hurt?

Has anyone been in a similar situation where they have had to distance themsleves from someone they care about to protect themselves?

Many times. It's quite common I would have thought. I've always gone back when needed and even though I was not treated as fairly when younger, I did all I could for my parents before they died.

[welwynrose]

I walked away from my family when I was 15 and it was the best thing I ever did and have never looked back - I found out last year that my father passed away a few years ago and to be honest it didn't mean anything to me - I have moved on and I presume that they have as well

[Salbates]

My mother is an alcoholic and has been since i was ten years old (I'm thirty next month). I left home at 16 and spent ten very long years trying to be something i wasn't for her benefit. We had a big falling out (she said it was my fault that she didn't see my son, despite the fact that i travelled to see her and she had never been to my house to see us) and didn't speak for a year.

I decided that i wanted my mum in my life, so i said that i would ring her more often, as long as when she rang me she wasn't drinking. That worked for a while, but slowly she rang me when she'd been drinking and i chose to cut the conversations short if she did. We met up a few times and she denied that she had a problem with alcohol, nad i left it at that.

I went to visit her in August and we went into town to celebrate her birthday. I had my drink spiked and the next thing i remember was throwing up in a toilet in a pub. I managed to get myself together and go into the pub and discovered that my mum had left me two hours before. I borrowed someone's phone and called my husband. He told me that she had just walked in the house and said that i'd dissapeared, but i was only in the loo of the pub we'd been in all day. Instead of looking for me, she'd gone on to other pubs drinking.

It was then i decided that i didn't want her in my life ever again. I'd forgiven her for not protecting me when my step father beat me, i forgave her for the lack of food when i was growing up, i'd even forgiven her for allowing me to believe that me being sexually abused was my fault, but i couldn't forgive her for putting alcohol before her own daughter.

She is an alcoholic. She will never stop drinking, therefore, i can't have her in my life. I don't feel guilty at all, a little sad maybe that i'll never have a mum, but i've been through worse and i'll get through this.

If you believe that your mum is doing you more harm than good, then walk away and build a life for yourself. Be strong and you'll get through the bad times xxxx

[Bezmina]

Originally Posted by tegan1973

Sometimes you have no choice but to cut contact. And you feel pain. In my case, I regret not having the relationship everyone else has with their mother. I grieve for what might have been. But then I remember how much she hurt me and how I still cry over it all these months later.

So my advice is to accept the pain and remind yourself why you are having to take this step to protect yourself.

I still feel it years later, but it subsides, like you I just have to remember why I removed myself from that relationship.

I have seen my mother twice in the last year and a half (1 family funeral and once for her to meet my sisters child) and it really hurts afterwards.

Then when I got married a couple of months ago and my mum found out that I had done this without telling her and that hurt too. She may have hurt me really badly but I don't want to hurt her as I know I have done, but given the alternative I will live with the hurt.

Despite this as others here have said for the sake of my own sanity I know I have made the right choice. Overall it's been about 8 years now for me (only seeing my mum the 2 times I have mentioned) and I wish that suddenly she could be lovely like other peoples Mum's and I missed having a mothers love and support like I can't tell you in the run up to my wedding. I felt so sad and lonely sometimes about it. It get's better OP but it doesn't go away as far as I can see.