[JohnfromWales]

Warm up with the music, toast missfliss (a Saturday ritual, now), endure Brucie's introductions (Will he get the names right? Don't make jokes about salaries, please) and we're up and running...

First up, Rachel and Vincent. What is it about Rachel? She's small, sexy and pretty; ticks all the right boxes, dances a treat and yet...there's nothing there, nothing beneath the surface. It's like there was a Rachel-shaped hole in the universe and someone filled it with plastic. Sometimes her mouth moves and noise comes out; no idea what it says.

They slink through a samba, good traditional music, nice wiggly ending, pick up 30 points and they're gone, into the mist...

Lisa and Brendan next. Coming into some form is our Lisa and poured into a classy dress with a classy song, they rediscover Hollywood. I loosen my collar as they ooze to a cool 35. Come on girl.

Heather and Brian arrive, looking the part but unfortunately not dancing it. A startled rabbit, H looks beautiful in repose but blunders around the floor with a samba thud. Someone mentions the word 'bounce' but it's conspicuous by its absence. 23 points should keep them out of trouble, though.

Breath is bated in expectation as Cherie leads James onto the floor. No prizes for guessing who wears the trousers, here. Unfortunately it's James because Cherie looks like an extra from a bar scene in Calamity Jane. Sabotaged by her dresser, she is further undone by the musical arrangement of an inappropriate song. It's distracting enough to cover the fact that James has actually forgotten to prepare a dance and, 90 seconds later, they are standing in front of the jury without having done any actual dancing. It's a cunning ploy that nets them an astonishing 34 points, at least 27 of which came from a pre-conceived notion of their abilities.

Mark and Hayley join us and attempt to spice up our lives. They don't. For the first time I warm to Hayley, with her cute ringlets and her boobs working overtime she has worked with Mark's best assets and plays to his strength. His pecs take on a life of their own but they're not enough to save us from this slow-motion car crash of a samba. 17 points and, surely, the Dance of Doom awaits.

Don and Lilia play an assured hand with a confident American Smooth but are criminally undermarked and left in the danger zone with a mere 25. I turn to Mrs JFW: "Don't you think that was worth more than 25?", "Yep." It's a hard life.

Another scoreboard tragedy as Austin and Erin jiggle their way to a forgettable 32 points. Not bad for a man who only dances from the waist down.

If you thought that was bad, Andrew and Ola arrive to lighten the mood. "No-one is more disappointed than you." says Len. You want a bet? Mrs JFW will vouch for the fact that I'm feeling a little let down here - I have to pay to watch this rubbish. It's a lifeline for Mark and Hayley, but a death sentence to all dance lovers. 17 points is 16 more than they deserved - the 1 point was for the excitement of nearly slam-dunking Ola.

Things take a turn for the better with the arrival of Christine and Matthew. A good samba song and the best bounce of the night but, once again, credibility is stretched beyond its elastic limit with a paltry 30 points. 2 points fewer than the clockwork Austin? If I knew how to flounce I'd be doing it now.

What can you say about Jodie and Ian? Well, they can dance, for starters. Confounding the critics and the shortarses, Jodie manages to pull off a smooth Smooth and, again, warranted more than the pre-formed ideas of the judges would allow. 30 points.

The main event - John and Kristina. She 'gets' him and she understands her role and she performs it brilliantly. No amount of soft soap, however, can detract from what has become 'elephant man' tv. Please turn it off, please make it stop. The crowd does its best, Craig gives an honest appraisal and a generous 2 points, the others lose themselves in whimsy and add 14 more. He's married to Kate Garraway, you know, and Fiona Phillips is his brother-in-law.

The evening draws to a close with Tom and Camilla. To be fair, it's a cracking dance - it hits just the right note, conjours up all the right feelings and atmosphere and is beautifully executed. He looks very pleased with himself, as indeed would I if I could do that. You can't argue with 35 points there.

Did you enjoy that dear? Would you like another cup of tea? I wonder who'll be in the dance-off.

[trevvytrev21]

Hah, really liked your post, OP.

I also warmed to Hayley. I know she is a ballroom specialist but her choreography was pretty good, particularly her moves... Mark's embarrassed me.

Heather and Rachel disappoint me week after week. Austin was over marked and his arms are horrible, re-watch his Jive and concentrate on them - Yuck!

I'm the sole SCD watcher in my household. Everyone else watches bliddy X Factor so I series link SCD. This isn't going to sound right but seriously, nearly all X Factor performances were very good, to amazing. SCD was dross on Saturday.

Witty and accurate round-up there Johnster. Bravo!

[Ista]

Fantastic post, I don't know if I missed this last week, but please make this a regular event!

[chipstick10]

Oh my friend you are absolutely spot on about Rachel. She is a personality, charisma free zone.

[yohinnchild]

I agree with most of what you've said actually... the scoring on Saturday was barmy...

The Rachel comment I agree with completely... she does everything right but you don't feel anything... they is no attack or personality there at all...

Not that I want to compare her to Alesha...but when she dances she means it... you get the feeling Rachel just can't be bothered with it

[Grannyannie]

Originally Posted by Ista

Fantastic post, I don't know if I missed this last week, but please make this a regular event!

Hear, hear. Not only a fair summary but clever without being cruel. Thanks John

[Gwydhyel]

A very entertaining summary. I would like to read it every week

[lizzydripping25]

This post is absolutely brilliant
This has set me up for the rest of the day (have to work this evening)
Pleeeeeeease can you do this again next week

Your observations on Rachel are exactly right and I think the scoring was a little bit strange this week. Altogether I think the show had too big a build up and I, for one, was disappointed as I was expecting it to be much better than it was.

[notsolonely153]

I've always remembered Simon Amstell commenting on Rachel along the lines of the most boring person he'd ever had to interview.. it's unfortunate because she definitely has the ability but just nothing to go with it.

Entertaining review

Well done John haha

[Xassy]

Originally Posted by Gwydhyel

A very entertaining summary. I would like to read it every week

Me too! You have made some spot-on observations there.

[Alli-F]

That was really accurate apart from being cruel about my favourite, Austin!

I especially agree with your comments about Cherie and James, I don't remember any AS in their dance, in fact I don't remember anything except the hideous dress!

Can we have more next week please?

[Janet St Walker]

What a cracking read, really enjoyed that, you should do it every week

John's piece is like the equivalent of Grace Dent's BB Blog!

I second whoever said it should become a weekly feature

[SCD-Observer]

Like your blog-ky style of writing!

[arddunol]

Excellent stuff . More please . I do so agree with most of your witty musings .

Great stuff JFW

Will you do it again next week please?

Originally Posted by caroliansno1fan

Will you do it again next week please?

I've heard from Mrs JFW that Johnster is, indeed, a repeat performer so we should be in luck Carol

Originally Posted by Sid_1979

I've heard from Mrs JFW that Johnster is, indeed, a repeat performer so we should be in luck Carol

Maybe he will replicate it else where too

[JohnfromWales]

Originally Posted by caroliansno1fan

Great stuff JFW

Will you do it again next week please?

The phrase 'rod for my own back' just scrambled out of my subconscious. I thought about it coming in in the car this morning.

I thank you, one and all and I'll see what I can do.

Originally Posted by JohnfromWales

The phrase 'rod for my own back' just scrambled out of my subconscious. I thought about it coming in in the car this morning.

I thank you, one and all and I'll see what I can do.

Thankyou

[leespartner2]

Add my appreciation and applause to that JFW - what a star

[Muggsy]

Originally Posted by JohnfromWales

The phrase 'rod for my own back' just scrambled out of my subconscious. I thought about it coming in in the car this morning.

I thank you, one and all and I'll see what I can do.

We'd all be very grateful.
*Grovels embarrassingly*

[SideshowStu]

Another admirer here! One question JFW...Why aren't you a Strictly judge?