I think my girlfriend has left me.. - Advice

FriendlyGoat · 16-11-2008, 21:38

I understand that there are a lot of threads like this, but I guess I need some personal replies, because to be honest I'm feeling gutted right now.

I'm 22, she's 21. I met my girlfriend earlier this year, but we weren't together until about 6 months ago. We've known each other for 9 months.

I thought she was incredibly beautiful from the moment I saw her, she has everything I like. The problem is she is very short tempered. When she is happy her personality is golden, but she snaps very easily, for various reasons. We argue a fair bit due to her being so easy to piss off, but I overlook that part of her personality because I see so much good stuff in her.

We live apart right now as I'm at university, which doesn't help. Last night we ended up arguing over messenger, of all places, and it was big. She says that we aren't going to be good together because we argue so much. She realises that she has a short temper, but she can't help that, and she gave me the whole 'it's not you, it's me' rubbish. I tried calling her but when she goes off on one she just blanks me after a while.

To be honest, I was culpable too. I've been too clingy recently, asking her where she has been and stuff, mostly out of paranoia as we are so far apart.

Another problem is I decided to take her to Amsterdam for her Christmas present, which she has been a part of. Choosing the hotel, what we will do there. big mistake I guess, it was far too soon. I've arranged everything, and I don't know what I will do now.

I realise it all might seem rather petty, but she is/was my first proper girlfriend I guess, apart from a few flings here and there. She is the only woman that I've been in a proper relationship with, and although we've only been together for 6 or so months, this still really hurts me because we talked about all of those things that we want to do in the future together. We talk every day. If she doesn't come back she will leave a big gap in my life, and I just don't want that. I don't want to be single now, she makes me happy.

I've not heard from her today, so I will give her space, and hope she comes back to me.. She might, right?

I'm going to go and get drunk lol

warmo · 16-11-2008, 21:51

drink isnt the answer mate been at a low point myself since my girlfriend dumped me in august

sadoldbird · 16-11-2008, 21:53

Dear FriendlyGoat, I really feel for you but I have to say the 'it isn't you, it's me' thing doesn't sound promising. I'd give her a couple of days space and then see if you can sort it out quietly and rationally. However, it is hard for relationships to survive long-distance and you may have to prepare yourself for the worst.

Good luck!

Digital.Diablo · 16-11-2008, 21:55

Wait and see what happens, but what I would say is don't fret if you are 'without' now. There are plenty more girls in the, errr, meat market?

Oh yes, and as per an old Scott Mills show, you should dump anyone you're going out with before you goto uni, as it won't work anyway. Go get yourself a fit fresher :P

tweetypie25 · 16-11-2008, 22:19

Ah I really feel for you. Try giving her a few days space like others have said, give her a chance to calm down and reflect on things. It will be very hard as all you'll want to do is speak to her but it may help. I hope things turn out well for you.

Legin · 16-11-2008, 23:09

Think yourself lucky - making allowances for her bad temper is the thin end of the wedge. If you keep on making the allowances (assuming the relationship continues) you'll end up on the end of a very short leash with her at the other end, and eventually it will be you looking for a way out but you'll have kids and a mortgage and a whole lifetime of shit to sort out.

Life doesn't have to be like that let her go and find someone who is more agreeable.

jay2009 · 16-11-2008, 23:29

Please, for your own sake just let it end.
You might love her and it will shatter you're heart to 1000000000 pieces, but that's NO relationship, relationships are give or take etc to an extent, but to be serjected to some one with that kind of temper will just effect you, It's not healthy.

Inspiration · 16-11-2008, 23:33

FriendlyGoat, I get the impression that in this relationship you perhaps felt lucky to have her.. you mentioned her looks very early in your description of her and your paranoia that she may find someone else. Perhaps thats why you put up with some of her traits. I'm not sure.

I just get the impression from your post that you almost feel like its up to her and you have no say in the matter. It's not the most healthy of approaches to any relationship. You have a say too. It's not just in her court.

Apple_Crumble · 16-11-2008, 23:42

FriendlyGoat,

My ex had a short temper. With hindsight, I was surprised our relationship lasted 11 months. The whole duration of our pitful relationship was spent walking on eggshells. I learnt a lot from it and put it down as valuable experience. It, too, was my first real relationship.

Cliche time ...

Life is too short for mind games, it really isn't worth it. Plenty of lovely ladies out there.

Andy Carlton · 16-11-2008, 23:49

Arguments are part of any relationship...but not to the continued extent of blanking each other for days etc...

You have tried the relationship for 9 months and it is obviously not working out the way you want it to. It is pointless attempting to carry on with an incompatible relationship.

You are still young (both of you) and you will probably have a few 'serious' relationships before you eventually find the right one.

With my first serious relationship i couldn't accept the inevitable and i lived with her and her family for nearly a year when the relationship ended badly one christmas...but that was down partly to myself.

Drink will only haze the blow for a few hours...but when you wake up - the problem is still there. (But i know exactly how you feel as do most who have been there)

It will take time to accept the inevitable...but i guarantee you will move on and this will become all part of learning about relationships.

One thing i had learned through my experience is not to fall in love too quick too soon...but instead to hold back on my feelings a little.

Let her go...you can do better (without the mood swings)

Best of luck!

ValLambert · 17-11-2008, 02:23

She might come back. And if that's what you want then I hope she does. if she does you can work on things as you both seem well aware of what the problems are and if you want each other enough, then fix them.

But as one of the other posters says life's to short for all this aggro. Find someone who loves you for being you, who will pee their pants with excitement at a trip to Amsterdam and not bite your head off when you call. The signs of a bad relationship are all there. If she does come back give yourselves six months to work on things. If they dont change then run for the hills before it becomes more complicated with property and kids.

FriendlyGoat · 17-11-2008, 02:38

Thankyou for all your replies. I have taken them onboard. However..

She came back. She told me that it's her mother who has been getting into her head. Her mother has a huge influence on her, so I know she is telling the truth. I realise that it's not the healthiest of relationships, but she is worth so much to me that I will give her another chance.

For some reason, I feel like I will be reviving this thread in a couple of months, but for now I feel like I have to give her the benefit of the doubt. I just feel so much for her.

Thankyou for your replies, they have put the whole thing in to perspective for me.

ValLambert · 17-11-2008, 02:41

There's nothing wrong with giving her the benefit of the doubt. The good thing is that you are both aware of the little things that can grow into big things if you dont take care and hopefully next time they may not get so big. Good luck, I hope you make it work.

davidseven · 17-11-2008, 07:00

Quote:

Originally Posted by Legin

Think yourself lucky - making allowances for her bad temper is the thin end of the wedge. If you keep on making the allowances (assuming the relationship continues) you'll end up on the end of a very short leash with her at the other end, and eventually it will be you looking for a way out but you'll have kids and a mortgage and a whole lifetime of shit to sort out.

Life doesn't have to be like that let her go and find someone who is more agreeable.

I tend to agree. There IS a reason for a short temper and if she thought there was any mileage in the relationship then she would have discussed with you a way of getting to the bottom of it and sorting it out together.

humdrummer · 17-11-2008, 09:33

Hi friendlygoat,
Pleased to see a resolution of sorts for you. I just wanted to say 'be careful'.

I was in a relationship with a guy who had an awful temper and over time he turned his lack of control into being my problem. Basically, if he lost his temper it was because I made him do it.

I used to try to explain that when he pissed me off I didn't get nasty/aggressive etc. and that I had a right to say how I felt without being scared to do so.

It never sank in, it was always somebody elses fault and he really felt that other people should consider his bad temper instead of him tackling his own bad behaviour.

I felt held to ransom by it. I would suggest that the two of you work on this together.

16-11-2008, 21:38	#1
FriendlyGoat Forum Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Very much here. Posts: 4,038	I think my girlfriend has left me.. I understand that there are a lot of threads like this, but I guess I need some personal replies, because to be honest I'm feeling gutted right now. I'm 22, she's 21. I met my girlfriend earlier this year, but we weren't together until about 6 months ago. We've known each other for 9 months. I thought she was incredibly beautiful from the moment I saw her, she has everything I like. The problem is she is very short tempered. When she is happy her personality is golden, but she snaps very easily, for various reasons. We argue a fair bit due to her being so easy to piss off, but I overlook that part of her personality because I see so much good stuff in her. We live apart right now as I'm at university, which doesn't help. Last night we ended up arguing over messenger, of all places, and it was big. She says that we aren't going to be good together because we argue so much. She realises that she has a short temper, but she can't help that, and she gave me the whole 'it's not you, it's me' rubbish. I tried calling her but when she goes off on one she just blanks me after a while. To be honest, I was culpable too. I've been too clingy recently, asking her where she has been and stuff, mostly out of paranoia as we are so far apart. Another problem is I decided to take her to Amsterdam for her Christmas present, which she has been a part of. Choosing the hotel, what we will do there. big mistake I guess, it was far too soon. I've arranged everything, and I don't know what I will do now. I realise it all might seem rather petty, but she is/was my first proper girlfriend I guess, apart from a few flings here and there. She is the only woman that I've been in a proper relationship with, and although we've only been together for 6 or so months, this still really hurts me because we talked about all of those things that we want to do in the future together. We talk every day. If she doesn't come back she will leave a big gap in my life, and I just don't want that. I don't want to be single now, she makes me happy. I've not heard from her today, so I will give her space, and hope she comes back to me.. She might, right? I'm going to go and get drunk lol

16-11-2008, 21:51	#2
warmo Forum Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Liverpool Services: Blueyonder 20MB,pace pvr3/HD,1000D super, $ky, 19.2/13 e Posts: 781	drink isnt the answer mate been at a low point myself since my girlfriend dumped me in august

16-11-2008, 21:53	#3
sadoldbird Forum Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Posts: 6,219	Dear FriendlyGoat, I really feel for you but I have to say the 'it isn't you, it's me' thing doesn't sound promising. I'd give her a couple of days space and then see if you can sort it out quietly and rationally. However, it is hard for relationships to survive long-distance and you may have to prepare yourself for the worst. Good luck!

16-11-2008, 21:55	#4
Digital.Diablo Forum Member Join Date: Mar 2000 Location: The Black Country, Bostin! Services: SKY Dogital, Demon DSL interweb upto 8mb (yeah right). Posts: 3,326	Wait and see what happens, but what I would say is don't fret if you are 'without' now. There are plenty more girls in the, errr, meat market? Oh yes, and as per an old Scott Mills show, you should dump anyone you're going out with before you goto uni, as it won't work anyway. Go get yourself a fit fresher :P

16-11-2008, 22:19	#5
tweetypie25 Forum Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 4,660	Ah I really feel for you. Try giving her a few days space like others have said, give her a chance to calm down and reflect on things. It will be very hard as all you'll want to do is speak to her but it may help. I hope things turn out well for you.

16-11-2008, 23:09	#6
Legin Forum Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 715	Think yourself lucky - making allowances for her bad temper is the thin end of the wedge. If you keep on making the allowances (assuming the relationship continues) you'll end up on the end of a very short leash with her at the other end, and eventually it will be you looking for a way out but you'll have kids and a mortgage and a whole lifetime of shit to sort out. Life doesn't have to be like that let her go and find someone who is more agreeable.

16-11-2008, 23:29	#7
jay2009 Forum Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: London Services: All Sky for us :) Posts: 1,370	Please, for your own sake just let it end. You might love her and it will shatter you're heart to 1000000000 pieces, but that's NO relationship, relationships are give or take etc to an extent, but to be serjected to some one with that kind of temper will just effect you, It's not healthy.

16-11-2008, 23:33	#8
Inspiration Forum Member Join Date: Jul 2003 Posts: 19,930	FriendlyGoat, I get the impression that in this relationship you perhaps felt lucky to have her.. you mentioned her looks very early in your description of her and your paranoia that she may find someone else. Perhaps thats why you put up with some of her traits. I'm not sure. I just get the impression from your post that you almost feel like its up to her and you have no say in the matter. It's not the most healthy of approaches to any relationship. You have a say too. It's not just in her court.

16-11-2008, 23:42	#9
Apple_Crumble Forum Member Join Date: May 2006 Gender: Male Location: Leeds Posts: 12,683	FriendlyGoat, My ex had a short temper. With hindsight, I was surprised our relationship lasted 11 months. The whole duration of our pitful relationship was spent walking on eggshells. I learnt a lot from it and put it down as valuable experience. It, too, was my first real relationship. Cliche time ... Life is too short for mind games, it really isn't worth it. Plenty of lovely ladies out there.

16-11-2008, 23:49	#10
Andy Carlton Inactive Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Gender: Male Location: Sutton Coldfield Services: Freeview/ DAB/ Sunshine Radio Posts: 3,908	Arguments are part of any relationship...but not to the continued extent of blanking each other for days etc... You have tried the relationship for 9 months and it is obviously not working out the way you want it to. It is pointless attempting to carry on with an incompatible relationship. You are still young (both of you) and you will probably have a few 'serious' relationships before you eventually find the right one. With my first serious relationship i couldn't accept the inevitable and i lived with her and her family for nearly a year when the relationship ended badly one christmas...but that was down partly to myself. Drink will only haze the blow for a few hours...but when you wake up - the problem is still there. (But i know exactly how you feel as do most who have been there) It will take time to accept the inevitable...but i guarantee you will move on and this will become all part of learning about relationships. One thing i had learned through my experience is not to fall in love too quick too soon...but instead to hold back on my feelings a little. Let her go...you can do better (without the mood swings) Best of luck!

17-11-2008, 02:23	#11
ValLambert Forum Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 9,750	She might come back. And if that's what you want then I hope she does. if she does you can work on things as you both seem well aware of what the problems are and if you want each other enough, then fix them. But as one of the other posters says life's to short for all this aggro. Find someone who loves you for being you, who will pee their pants with excitement at a trip to Amsterdam and not bite your head off when you call. The signs of a bad relationship are all there. If she does come back give yourselves six months to work on things. If they dont change then run for the hills before it becomes more complicated with property and kids.

17-11-2008, 02:38	#12
FriendlyGoat Forum Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Very much here. Posts: 4,038	Thankyou for all your replies. I have taken them onboard. However.. She came back. She told me that it's her mother who has been getting into her head. Her mother has a huge influence on her, so I know she is telling the truth. I realise that it's not the healthiest of relationships, but she is worth so much to me that I will give her another chance. For some reason, I feel like I will be reviving this thread in a couple of months, but for now I feel like I have to give her the benefit of the doubt. I just feel so much for her. Thankyou for your replies, they have put the whole thing in to perspective for me.

17-11-2008, 02:41	#13
ValLambert Forum Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 9,750	There's nothing wrong with giving her the benefit of the doubt. The good thing is that you are both aware of the little things that can grow into big things if you dont take care and hopefully next time they may not get so big. Good luck, I hope you make it work.

17-11-2008, 09:33	#15
humdrummer Forum Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: In the clouds Services: ...are out of order, please move along Posts: 1,276	Hi friendlygoat, Pleased to see a resolution of sorts for you. I just wanted to say 'be careful'. I was in a relationship with a guy who had an awful temper and over time he turned his lack of control into being my problem. Basically, if he lost his temper it was because I made him do it. I used to try to explain that when he pissed me off I didn't get nasty/aggressive etc. and that I had a right to say how I felt without being scared to do so. It never sank in, it was always somebody elses fault and he really felt that other people should consider his bad temper instead of him tackling his own bad behaviour. I felt held to ransom by it. I would suggest that the two of you work on this together.