"I wanna freak in the morning, freak in the evening," the Sugababes once proclaimed. "I need a rough-neck brother that can satisfy me – just for me." Ooh-err! But what if you don’t want to… ahem… all through the night ‘til the early morn? What if you're so pure and unsullied you make Mother Teresa look like a raging nymphomaniac? Well, you're in luck, because Gay Spy has planned a week of nookie-free fun just for you. Almost.

Monday

What's happening? Darren Hayes begins his seven-date UK tour at Glasgow's Clyde Auditorium.

Why should you care? With a set created by award-winning concert designer Willie Williams (George Michael, U2, Rolling Stones), and 25 pop nuggets from his two-disc electro opus This Delicate Thing We've Made to draw from, Darren’s live show should leave us all on the verge of something wonderful.

Tuesday

What's happening? London's Trash Palace nightclub throws a relaunch party.

Why should you care? Soho's self-styled "boho-homo hangout" has just been treated to a lavish two-floor makeover. This VIP launch party - featuring DJs, performers and lots of freebies - is your chance to find out if it's more palace than trash.

Wednesday

What's happening? BBC3 shrieks Help Me Anthea, I'm Infested! at 9pm.

Why should you care? Do. Not. Worry. The former Blue Peter presenter hasn't transformed herself into a one-woman GUM clinic. But she has embarked on a mission to rid the nation's homes of creepy crawlies, which should be very entertaining to watch. Cheers, Anth!

Thursday

What's happening? McFly begin their greatest hits tour at Wolverhampton's Civic Hall.

Why should you care? The cheeky chappies have two main weapons in their live arsenal: an endless parade of perky pop hits and their tendency to get naked onstage.

Friday

What's happening? The Brave One opens in the nation's cinemas.

Why should you care? After her fiancé is murdered by a gang of New York ne’er-do-wells, a previously law-abiding citizen morphs into a gun-toting vigilante. The fight scenes will make you wince; the Big Apple has never been more menacing, and Foster’s performance is as intense as a Chinese burn from Arnie Schwarzenegger.

Saturday

What's happening? ITV1 treats us to an X Factor double bill at 6.05pm and 8.30pm, after Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway.

Why should you care? It's the first week of boot camp, so tune in for shattered dreams, shambolic a cappella harmonies and Shaz Osbourne at her most matriarchal.

Sunday

What's happening? London's Golden Lion drinking den presents Bingay, a gay bingo night.

Why should you care? Drinking, gambling, the opportunity to shriek "HOUSE!!!" at the top of your lungs: this is the perfect way to round off your weekend.