Client Profile
Age: '39'
Profession: Actor, author, occasional TV presenter, all-round bon viveur.
Height: 6'4"
Eyes: The rich, sensual brown of a Valrhona hot chocolate.
Hair: In style? Stylishly-cropped. In hue? Sexy salt 'n' pepper.
Body type: I make Brad Pitt look like an exercise-shy, Kettle Chip-munching couch potato.
What would you say is your best feature?: My jaw - it's almost as chiseled as Matthew McConaughey's stomach.
What do you do for fun? I enjoy larking about with Julia Roberts, larking about with Madonna, larking about with Sharon Stone, making inappropriate comments on BBC Breakfast, dressing up as a middle-aged school mistress and slagging off Sir Elton John.
Where is your favourite holiday destination? Sydney. I recently led their Mardi Gras, you know.
What was the last thing you read? My autobiography Red Carpets and other Banana Skins. And a rollicking good read it was too.
What was the last film you watched? Either My Best Friend's Wedding or Stage Beauty. Hmm. Or was it Shrek 2?
What was the last album you bought? I have never bought a pop album in my life! But I did purchase a CD single of Madonna singing 'American Pie' a few years back. I provided the backing vocals, you know. Well, she called them backing vocals; if you ask me, it's more of a duet.
Do you smoke? Mainly herbal. Did I tell you I once offered Colin Firth a joint?
Are you an early bird or a night owl? What sort of a question is that? A night owl of course! I once noted that "only boring people are brilliant at breakfast". Much mirth ensued, believe you me.
How would you describe your ideal man? My ideal man is sexy, stylish and successful. He's blessed with exquisite taste, a boundless sense of hedonism and repartee that's fizzier than my morning Alka Setzer. Interestingly, my ideal man might, in fact, be a woman. I enjoyed a six-year affair with Paula Yates in the nineties, in case you've forgotten.
What sort of relationship are you looking for? These days? Pretty much anything I can get.
Matchmaker's Notes
- The client makes Kerry Katona seem lucky in love
- But low self-esteem doesn't appear to be the problem
- The client would suit a high-profile showbiz partner
- But Elton John is not an option
- Aaaagh!
CRABS' Suggested Partners
We can't think of anyone who's more deserving of the epithet "sexy, stylish and successful"?* Naomi’s main selling point is her bevy of A-list mates; she’s unlikely to be cowed by Rupert’s fondness for namedropping. What’s more, Rupert's gym-honed reflexes should be sharp enough to dodge the occasional Nokia missile. *Sadly, Kate Moss has, at present, refused all offers to join CRABS.
The award-winning designer was recently voted the fifth most powerful gay man in the USA – even Rupert can’t fail to be impressed by that. He's dressed Sarah Jessica Parker, Drew Barrymore and Scarlett Johansson, so he should able to satisfy Rupert's insatiable appetite for Hollywood gossip. But the success of this match will depend upon Rupert's ability to compromise. Marc recently checked into rehab to be treated for drug and alcohol abuse, so the bon viveur might have to curb his taste for the finer things in life.
Well, why not fight ego with ego? This celebrity match-up is as carefully-balanced as the wig on top of Joan Collins' head: the media mogul might have a few more pounds in the bank, but the hedonistic thespian trumps him when it comes to A-list mates. Rupert and Simon should enjoy hours of fun comparing investment portfolios, bitching about Paula Abdul and swapping botox tips. The only potential stumbling block? Simon's moobs.
