Movies
'Conan the Barbarian' review
Published Monday, Aug 22 2011, 09:13 BST | By Simon Reynolds | 13 comments
Director: Marcus Nispel; Screenwriter: Thomas Dean Donnelly, Joshua Oppenh; Starring: Jason Momoa, Ron Perlman, Stephen Lang, Rose McGowan, Rachel Nichols; Running time: 112 mins; Certificate: 15
On paper it looked a tantalising proposition, but within 20 minutes of the lights dimming on this new incarnation of Robert E Howard's fantasy hero the unthinkable happens: Conan the Barbarian becomes tedious. Blood and guts fly as Jason Momoa swings his sword through Hyboria on a quest to avenge a murderous attack on his village. The visceral punch of director Marcus Nispel's 3D re-invention soon wears thin, however, as wall-to-wall stabbings and skewerings take the place of story and character.
Conan the Barbarian may be aimed squarely at the male adolescent crowd, but even they'll be bored by the incessant crunching and squelching that just goes on and on and on... and on. This is like The Mummy mixed with 300, totally dead from the neck up.
Played with straight-arrow seriousness, at times you'll be pining for the camp and silliness of the Arnold Schwarzenegger original. Don't expect to see Momoa thump a camel on the head, this is played gritty and realistic.
An extended prologue sequence shows how Conan's dying mother gives birth on the battlefield with a little help from father Corin's (Ron Perlman) blade. From there, the young Cimmerian hero (Leo Howard) is sent on a rite-of-passage mission (involving an egg?!) and faces pop Corin on an iced-over lake to sharpen his sword skills. Soon Avatar's Stephen Lang rides into town as villain Khalar Zym, bringing a thirst for blood and providing Conan with his motivation for revenge.
In fairness, this Conan manages to deliver a couple of memorable set pieces and picturesque scenery (Bulgaria doubles for the fantasy world) on its mid-level Hollywood budget. The gruesome sight of a finger pushed through a severed nose will cause a sharp intake of breath, while a sword fight on a tilting wheel involving Conan, Khalar Zym and tied-down love interest Tamara (Rachel Nichols) sticks in the mind for its ingenuity.
Momoa himself is an able action hero, as physically intimidating as Arnie and, unlike his predecessor, able to deliver a line without raising a snigger. The same does not apply for his co-stars, however.
Ron Perlman resembles Will Ferrell on an SNL sketch, both Lang and Nichols suffer from blockbuster anonymity as cardboard villain and eye candy respectively, and Rose McGowan is reading from a totally different script to the rest. While everyone is treating the subject matter like Shakespeare, she's hamming it up to the max as wicked witch Marique.
Conan the Barbarian may have the macho brawn expected from it, but there's no emotional investment in the characters and its endless bludgeoning and slicing of flesh is something that may test the patience of even hardcore gore hounds.
Narration from Morgan Freeman is also on hand to lend gravitas to proceedings, although with a movie this crushingly dull he'd be better off marching with those Penguins again.
On paper it looked a tantalising proposition, but within 20 minutes of the lights dimming on this new incarnation of Robert E Howard's fantasy hero the unthinkable happens: Conan the Barbarian becomes tedious. Blood and guts fly as Jason Momoa swings his sword through Hyboria on a quest to avenge a murderous attack on his village. The visceral punch of director Marcus Nispel's 3D re-invention soon wears thin, however, as wall-to-wall stabbings and skewerings take the place of story and character.
Conan the Barbarian may be aimed squarely at the male adolescent crowd, but even they'll be bored by the incessant crunching and squelching that just goes on and on and on... and on. This is like The Mummy mixed with 300, totally dead from the neck up.
Played with straight-arrow seriousness, at times you'll be pining for the camp and silliness of the Arnold Schwarzenegger original. Don't expect to see Momoa thump a camel on the head, this is played gritty and realistic.
An extended prologue sequence shows how Conan's dying mother gives birth on the battlefield with a little help from father Corin's (Ron Perlman) blade. From there, the young Cimmerian hero (Leo Howard) is sent on a rite-of-passage mission (involving an egg?!) and faces pop Corin on an iced-over lake to sharpen his sword skills. Soon Avatar's Stephen Lang rides into town as villain Khalar Zym, bringing a thirst for blood and providing Conan with his motivation for revenge.
In fairness, this Conan manages to deliver a couple of memorable set pieces and picturesque scenery (Bulgaria doubles for the fantasy world) on its mid-level Hollywood budget. The gruesome sight of a finger pushed through a severed nose will cause a sharp intake of breath, while a sword fight on a tilting wheel involving Conan, Khalar Zym and tied-down love interest Tamara (Rachel Nichols) sticks in the mind for its ingenuity.
Momoa himself is an able action hero, as physically intimidating as Arnie and, unlike his predecessor, able to deliver a line without raising a snigger. The same does not apply for his co-stars, however.
Ron Perlman resembles Will Ferrell on an SNL sketch, both Lang and Nichols suffer from blockbuster anonymity as cardboard villain and eye candy respectively, and Rose McGowan is reading from a totally different script to the rest. While everyone is treating the subject matter like Shakespeare, she's hamming it up to the max as wicked witch Marique.
Conan the Barbarian may have the macho brawn expected from it, but there's no emotional investment in the characters and its endless bludgeoning and slicing of flesh is something that may test the patience of even hardcore gore hounds.
Narration from Morgan Freeman is also on hand to lend gravitas to proceedings, although with a movie this crushingly dull he'd be better off marching with those Penguins again.
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