Meet The Spartans

Director: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer
Screenwriters: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer
Starring: Sean Maguire, Carmen Electra, Ken Davitan
Running time: 84 mins
Certificate: 12A

Meet The Spartans? For those unlucky enough to be lured into the cinema, there's every chance you'll be wanting to meet your maker instead.

The story very closely echoes the plot of 300, mocking many aspects of the film's overblown drama and homoeroticism. For those not familiar with 300, King Leonidas (Maguire) basically leads his Spartan soldiers to repel the threat of the rival Persian army. His wife Margo remains at home and has an affair with a scheming traitor. Along the way there are various battles, encounters with celebrities and maybe, just maybe, a couple of minor smirks to be had - but only if you're very, very drunk.

Spoof films are well known for their 'hit and miss' nature, but Meet The Spartans has a particularly woeful ratio. If you thought English footballers were notable for their misses during penalty shoot-outs, then you ain't seen nothing yet. Even the proclaimed arrival of "the fat guy from Borat" (Ken Davitan) as the evil Xerxes can't salvage this cinematic wreck. An abundance of contemporary pop culture references litter the scenes, utterly bereft of any wit or invention. Plenty of celebrity lookalikes (Britney, Lindsay and Paris) are chucked onto the screen only to be pilloried and physically attacked in the dullest, most tedious manner possible.

The film lasts only 84 minutes, including the considerably lengthy end credits filled with extra scenes, yet it feels more like eternal purgatory. This is mainly caused by the outrageously repetitive nature of the 'jokes'. In particular, the attacks on that modern staple of television - the reality show - make one wonder whether the film is being screened from vinyl and the stylus is stuck in a groove. Not content with having a dropkicking contest in front of the American Idol lookalike judges, we're then treated to an achingly long dance-off in front of the Dancing With Spartans judges and then a spot of crooning in front of the Idol judges again. There's also a cuss-off, but no judges are to be seen. It's not hard to imagine the harsh words that Simon Cowell would unleash at this film.

It's hard not to feel sorry for the cast. Sean Maguire growls, scowls and bops along to 'Barbie Girl' with plenty of enthusiasm and is barely recognisable from his days on Grange Hill and EastEnders. He certainly parodies Gerard Butler's pompous 300 performance well, but that isn't nearly enough to carry the movie or muster any interest whatsoever beyond the first few minutes. As for Carmen Electra... she has big boobs, she's easy on the eye and gets to wear a Spider-Man costume. A word of warning for the lads: she doesn't get them out.

The ensemble cast all perform a rendition of 'I Will Survive' at the end - and you can't help but hope that they had fun, given the stinker of a script they had to deal with. It must have been a humiliating experience to work with such a dire script. Perhaps it's all a joke and Endemol have been secretly filming the actors as they contend with the hardships during the making of the film?

Meet The Spartans is painful. Very painful as far as viewing experiences go. Cinemas are equipped with surround sound these days, but given this humour void, it's about time your Odeons and Vues installed some tumbleweed to blow along the aisles.