Chico: 'Curvy Cola Bottle Body'

Now here's a neat little quandary for us all. On the one hand, it feels cold-hearted to heap disdain on a record whose entirely laudable aim is to end the media's obsession with size zero – think super-skinny LA actresses, think catwalk models with protruding hip bones, think pre-pregnancy Nicole Richie – by encouraging women to embrace their curves. On the other, it's desperately hard not to call a spade a spade. As sung by Chico Slimani, the X Factor survivor who oozes gimmickry and naffness out of every fake-tanned pore, the record can't help but flirt with crassness.

Or, in practice, wind up proposing to it, marrying it in a lavish Caribbean ceremony and treating it to a bit of hide-the-love-sausage seven times on the wedding night. Cripes. 'Curvy Cola Bottle Body' is a Butlins disco nightmare on which the end-of-the-pier Ricky Martin shrieks "Size zero’s gotta go, give me Marilyn Monroe" over a nerve-shredding cod-Latin backing track. Nothing quite prepares you for the carnival breakdown of the middle 8, which makes 'Spice Up Your Life' sound as authentic as an impromptu jam session by a quartet of gnarly-fingered, weather-beaten minstrels on a Sao Paolo street corner. The upshot of this all? "Nice sentiment, shame about the single" can be the only logical conclusion.