Take a seat. Make yourself nice and comfy. Help yourself to a lovely cup of tea. Why? Because we've got something a little bit upsetting to tell you. Incredibly, the world of celebrity has been rather quiet this week. Gasp! Of course our favourite stars have still found time to receive jail sentences, snub the reigning monarch and ask to kiss each other's moles, but that's just par for the course, right? Read on to find out who's been bothering the headline-writers this week.

1. Paris Hilton
The multi-tasking socialite receives a jail sentence. Surprisingly, it's not for crimes against popular culture.

2. Geri Halliwell
Has the flame-haired former Spice Girl bagged herself a chucklesome new fella?

3. Penelope Cruz
Lenny Kravitz asks the Volver actress if she's gonna go his way. Should she?

4. Dame Helen Mirren
The Oscar-winning actress didn't mean to snub the Queen. Honestly, she didn't.

5. Sinitta
The Grease Is The Word judge tells Graham Norton that "both of us are girls, but only one of us is a lady - and it's not you." Miaow!

6. Jordan
The ample-chested model is picking up famous fans all over the shop.

7. Sting
The former Police star isn't a very nice man to work for at all. Unless, we presume, you're a tree-planter.

8. Kylie
The 'Spinning Around' singer doesn't have her tiny little hands on a married man.

9. Amy Winehouse
David Gest says that he wants to kiss her mole. Remarkably, that's not a euphemism.

10. Denise Van Outen
Romance blossoms for the Any Dream Will Do judge. Good on her.