The Prince of Darkness is celebrating his birthday this week, so we've organised a deliciously macabre party in his honour. We've made a birthday cake in the shape of a bat, decked DS towers with jet black balloons and asked everyone to dress up as their favourite scary monster. Our only concern? Some of the other birthday boys and girls might get a bit scared. Hmm. Perhaps Aaron Carter should bring his mummy along with him?

Ozzy Osbourne

How many candles? The booze-addled bat-muncher is 59 today.

DS' birthday present: Ozzy's been married for a quarter of a century, but Sharon reckons he's still "like a rabbit" in the bedroom. We want this situation to continue, so we've sent him something small, blue and bursting with a very special kind of energy.

Nick Hoult

How many candles? The Skins star celebrates his 18th birthday on Friday.

DS' birthday present: The law's about to recognise his passage from boy to man, so we're taking Nick down the pub for his first legal drink. Because we're generous sorts – we never shirk our round, you know - we've invited Cassie and the gang, too.

Aaron Carter

How many candles? Incredibly, the former teeny popper turns 20 on Friday.

DS' birthday present: We haven't heard much from Aaron recently, so we've pulled a few strings to bag him a place on Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack. A re-release of 'Crazy Little Party Girl' is bound to follow.

Jesse Metcalfe

How many candles? The chest-baring actor celebrates his 29th birthday on Sunday.

DS' birthday present: We've booked the restaurant, we've sent Jesse's best suit to the dry-cleaners, and we've cleared Nadine's schedule for the night. Might the Coyle-Metcalfe romance reignite? We're keeping just about everything crossed.

Dame Judi Dench

How many candles? The legendary thesp turns 73 on Sunday.

DS' birthday present: Judi's been winning awards for years, so her trophy cabinet must be dustier than Great Aunt Mavis' attic by now! Because we're kind souls, we've offered to give her gongs a bit of a polish - is tomorrow evening OK, Judi?