A brand new year is upon us again and our celebrities are busy turning over a new leaf. If they're not vowing to shed that post-baby tummy, they're resolving to check into rehab or haul themselves out of the red. Since it's all about being sensible this week, we decided to host a tea party to usher in their big day in civilised style. The alcohol is under lock and key, the crusts are off the cucumber sandwiches and the finest green tea is on hand to cleanse their booze-addled pallets. Why, we can almost feel their minds and bodies starting to rejuvenate already! Let's just hope one badly-behaved birthday boy is able to keep up the good work for longer than a week. Yes, that means you, Mel.

Mel Gibson

How many candles? The Hollywood hellraiser turns 52 on Thursday.

DS' birthday present: This former heartthrob's image is in dire need of rehabilitation, so we prescribe an intensive course of high-profile humanitarian acts. Mel, your plane to Rwanda is circling DS towers as we speak.

Rowan Atkinson

How many candles? The rubber-faced comic is 53 on Sunday.

DS' birthday present: Mr Atkinson suffered a Mr Bean-style prang while parking his car last week, so could a little refresher course behind the wheel be in order? Don't worry, Rowan, parallel parking has never been our strong point either!

Angus Deayton

How many candles? The disgraced ex-HIGNFY host is 52 on Sunday.

DS' birthday present: Angus has probably never forgotten Paul and Ian's merciless ribbing after his fall from grace, so we've trawled our database to eek out all the dirt we can find on his tormentors. Mr Deayton, a copy of our dossier is whizzing its way to you now - you may or may not wish to share its contents with the News of the World.

Nigella Lawson

How many candles? The domestic goddess celebrates her 48th birthday on Sunday.

DS' birthday present: Our favourite cook's been on the receiving end of some choice remarks after piling on a pound or two on Nigella Express. Take no notice, love - and here's a calorie-packed box of gooey choccies to show we love you just as you are. Aww!

Alex Turner

How many candles? The Arctic Monkeys rocker turns 22 on Sunday.

DS' birthday present: Since Alex and the gang just love dressing up in wacky costumes, we've treated them to an afternoon in the stockroom of our local fancy dress shop. It's all there, lads - Bananaman, teletubbies, even Robin Hood and his Merry Men. There's sure to be something to take your fancy!