After word got out about last week's lavish spending, we've had celebrities breaking down our door to get their hands on our presents. There was a veritable stampede at the weekend with stars camping outside DS towers to be first in line for a treat. And do you know, readers? Some of them didn't even have birthdays this week and thought they could trick us with some frankly unimpressive pork pies! We don't mind admitting, we were shocked. Well, we'll have those naughty folk know that we have our methods of finding out exactly when they first popped into the world. Forging birth certificates and editing their own pages on Wikipedia just won't wash with us.

Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall

How many candles? The River Cottage foodie turns 43 today.

DS' birthday present: Hugh must getting tired of all that organic grub on the quiet, so we sent him a sticky chocolate cake packed with monosodium glutamate and other tasty additives. You know you can't resist, Hugh!

Kate Moss

How many candles? The party-loving supermodel is 34 on Wednesday.

DS' birthday present: Kate doesn't want any more texts from that pesky Pete Doherty causing problems with her man, so we've bought her a shiny new mobile phone. Just be more careful who you give out your number to this time, missy!

Samuel Preston

How many candles? The Ordinary Boy celebrates his 26th birthday on Wednesday.

DS' birthday present: Since things didn't go exactly to plan with either his wife or career, we've wangled Preston a return spot on next year's Celebrity Big Brother. Hopefully he can make a better go of it this time around.

Keith Chegwin

How many candles? The TV legend turns 51 on Thursday.

DS' birthday present: Keith told us he's hankering after an acting role as a moody Scotsman, so we nabbed him an audition for a biopic of Gordon Brown. Break a leg, Cheggers!

Will Young

How many candles? The singer warbles into his 29th year on Sunday.

DS' birthday present: What's this we hear about Will spurning his fans? Tsk tsk. We thought Mr Young could do with a reminder of his modest roots so we've sent him a DVD of Pop Idol to show him where it all began.