Suddenly everyone cares about American Idol again.
Yeah, we didn't realise that was a thing, either. American Idol's been showing its age lately, bless it, but suddenly there was a flurry of activity this week as everyone suddenly started caring about the judging panel again. Yes, we can do without the will-they-won't-they with Randy Jackson - Is he going to replace Jimmy Iovine as a mentor? Is anyone interested? - but we can't really help but have a twinge of interest about who's going to join Keith Urban on one of those Pepsi-endorsed seats. (Well, they have to be more interesting than Keith Urban, right?)
Actually, though, we're less interested in people in the running for the judging role (super-producer Dr Luke and Justin Bieber's manager and fan of fun names Scooter Braun) and more intrigued by the people who've apparently turned it down. First up, none other than Mr Diddy - who (according to probably nonsensical rumours but let's not let that stop us) rejected a job because he didn't want to work with his ex Jennifer Lopez. Now this is amazing, not only because it has reminded us that Diddy and Lopez were a thing, but also because the artist formerly known as Puff Daddy is apparently still hurt a whole decade later. How cute.
Anyway, yes, he said it's not true. This next rumour, though, broke our heart - Kanye West apparently turned down the show. We're devastated that we're not getting a weekly serving of Mr West pronouncing judgement on quivering hopefuls' performances of 'Against All Odds', but then we have to agree with Yeezus that appearing on the show probably would have damaged his street cred. Yes, that's fair. It's certainly true that he needs to hold on to and protect that at all costs. Surely he won't be doing anything that could potentially even a little bit have an impact on his cool factor. Oh wait.
Yes. That's right. Media recluse Kanye West is going on Kris Jenner's talk show.
Now, call us crazy, but we think being a judge on American Idol might just have a little more cachet than popping up on a daytime talk show with a smile plastered on your face to talk to your kind-of not-legally mother-in-law. That's not to say that we weren't bloody excited when we heard that Kanye had granted an hour-long interview to Kris Jenner on her show, um, Kris, though honestly you can't really turn it down when you're living with the woman and just made her latest grandchild, can you? I imagine that would be more of a problem than the battle over the remote control.
Anyway, we're writing this week's update before the show has aired, so all we've had to go on so far is this amazing photograph (Kanye's rictus grin! Kris's barely concealed excitement!), the news that we'll finally get a look at our messiah North West (finally) and a short clip revealing Kanye gushing about how much he loves Ms Kim Kardashian.
We can only imagine what else will happen during the show - though our predictions are admittedly probably a bit pie in the sky - but there's no possibility that it will be anything other than amazing. It's just as well it was filmed before Kanye got sued by a photographer because we imagine the smiles would have been a little bit less broad if that had just happened.
That one off of The Calling got abducted. OR DID HE. (Yes, probably.)
Okay, first of all, we'd kind of forgotten about The Calling, which is a little weird given that 'Wherever Will You Go' haunted us for far longer than it ever deserved to. And second of all, we never really believed that we'd ever have sympathy for singer Alex Band for invading our eardrums with that sappy nonsense (yes, OK, we liked it when it first came out but we're cooler now alright?). Well, colour us shocked, because this week details emerged that Alex had been pretty brutally abducted and attacked, "left for dead" on some train tracks.
Every detail we read about this attack made us wince, but then people started muttering that it was conveniently timed because The Calling are just announcing a comeback. In other words, maybe Alex wasn't really as attacked as he said he was. Now, we're cynical folk here, but it doesn't seem very nice to speculate on this sort of thing when someone's just suffered a trauma, so we're going to say that actually he probably was quite hurt and scared and it probably wasn't a marketing ploy.
Perhaps it's just us, but maybe it's best to err on the side of 'believing an alleged victim' instead of instantly assuming that they're lying. Seems kind of humane, like. (Mind you Alex's proclamation after surviving the ordeal that it's made him realise he's "destined for bringing music back" to his fans is something that probably everyone could do without.)
Wentworth Miller comes out as gay, stands up against homophobia in Russia, gets inexorably more loveable.
It might be considered strange that as a person who writes about famous people all day I don't really care whether they like to do the kissing thing with men or with women. But I don't. Unless they're someone like Wentworth Miller, who has been, well, 'quite quiet' since his Prison Break days. Why do I care when Wentworth Miller comes out? Because he does it in a super awesome way, smacking down Russia's hideous homophobic laws in a beautifully worded and yet still very polite open letter.
I never really thought I'd be expressing any kind of opinion about Wentworth except to say that the first season of Prison Break is quite silly but quite fun. But after this week, it's hard not to love him a little bit more for handling this whole situation with grace, a gentle but firm hand and unfailing good manners. What a legend.
Lady Gaga and Perez Hilton are, like, never ever getting back together. Like, ever.
On the other hand, it seems that Gaga and Perez need to work on their own manners a little bit. They used to be BFFs but now they're like, totally enemies. And, like, you have to pick a side. Which is difficult when on one hand you've got a fanbase who are threatening the life of a baby and on the other you've got Perez Hilton.
It's difficult to tell who started this feud or when Gags and Pez decided they didn't want to be besties anymore, but things weren't helped when Gaga informed her terrifying group of 'Little Monsters' that Perez had been quite mean to her by sending her horrible mail. I suppose I'm not really one for airing dirty laundry in public but it's fair enough, I suppose, given that it wouldn't be the first time that Mr Hilton has done something odious. But Gaga is totes queen bee, so some of her little minions started flooding Perez's Twitter timeline with threats to him and his son. Which, well, isn't that nice.
Perez released a justifiably huffy statement and then Gaga wrote her own piece telling all of her fans to quit with the smack talk, thereby conveniently taking the moral high ground. I mean yes she could probably have done it a lot earlier and not told her famously rabid fanbase the details of her fall-out with Perez but I suppose it's the thought that counts, isn't it?
- In news that I am too invested in, Nicholas Hoult and Jennifer Lawrence are back on. Which calls for a 'hurrah', surely?
- Melissa George is pregnant. If it has a pout anything like her own, it will be a baby to behold.
- Kelly Clarkson has CALLED OFF HER WEDDING. It's alright, she's eloping instead. So I suppose I'll just have to save the hat I bought for Zayn and Perrie.
- Rosanna Arquette has tied the knot with her fourth husband, Todd Morgan.
- True Blood star Rutina Wesley has filed for divorce (we're not going to make any 'that sucks' puns, so don't expect us to).
- Lily Tomlin has said she's thinking of marrying her girlfriend after dating her for 42 years. This would be utterly lovely.
- Donald Faison has welcomed a baby son - his fifth child.
- Harry Styles reckons Taylor Swift might write a song about him. Just so you know, T, the real revenge would be to not write a song. But that won't be entertaining for us, so please do (whatever you do, though, don't call it 'No Direction'. Because obvious).
- Eva Longoria has split from her beau Ernesto Arguello. They met on the dating show she produced, Ready For Love. That information is presented to you for factual purposes, because we really, really, really do not want to make a pun on that title.
- Author Elmore Leonard has passed away at the age of 87. He'll truly be missed.
- There has been a spate of thefts of David Hasselhoff cutouts. I initially thought this story was bloody amazing - especially because the cutouts are promoting 'iced Hoffee' and over 500 have been half inched - but it turns out a store employee was hurt in the latest heist. Let's hope they're better soon.
- Robert Pattinson stars in a teaser for his Dior Homme campaign. It's creepier than a lot of horror movies, to be honest.
- Dakota Johnson has been linked to Fifty Shades. Please, Dakota, no. I'm mourning Ben & Kate more than anyone. BUT NO.
- The Obamas got a new dog. But I love Bo! But now I love Sunny! Do I have to choose? I need a lie down. (Oh God and there are more political pets right here.)
- Ian Somerhalder news presented to you with no comment #1: He adopted a dog and called it Nietszche.
- Ian Somerhalder news presented to you with no comment #2: He told us this: "There aren't a lot of pretty people that can act well. I'm not joking! I'm one of them, that can act well. Not to sound s**tty about it."
- Cher Lloyd and Taylor Swift performed together and if they don't form a duo soon we will cry. And drown our sorrows with T's homemade jam.
- There were rumours that *NSYNC might reunite for a special performance. The world actually went a little bit mad at this news. We're afraid if they don't it could bring on an apocalypse caused by infuriated 20/30-somethings.
- Steve Carell has a massive conker in this picture from his new movie! Don't people look funny with big noses. Hilarity.
- David Cassidy got arrested for drink driving and my mum was devastated.
- Survivor just became a family affair. The twists for the new season were unveiled and there were so many that it's making us feel a bit dizzy.
- Lindsay Lohan revealed that she gets acid reflux on Oprah Winfrey's show. She also talked a bit about rehab and taking cocaine and her childhood and stuff but we've picked out the headline for you.
- James Franco is going to have his own reality show. James Franco on James Franco. Starring James Franco. Watched by James Franco.
- Brandy performed to a crowd of 40 in a 90,000 capacity stadium because no-one knew she was there. That's so awkward we had to have a stiff, well, brandy.
- Coolio is selling off all of his royalties. To expand his Cookin' With Coolio empire. How can we even joke about that?
- "I'm secretly tugging on it every night." Ugh, it's Miley talking about wanting long hair, you sickos.
- Dick Van Dyke was pulled from a burning car. Thank God, because we're not ready to say goodbye to smooth moves like these.
- Hulk Hogan wants Chris Hemsworth in a biopic of him in shock 'man wants most handsome man in the world to play him' news.
- Ben Affleck is going to play Batman. We have to go now because the internet's exploded. Sorry.