Lisa Maxwell admits unknown father's effect on life

Lisa Maxwell has admitted how the "dirty secret" surrounding her paternity affected her life.

In her new autobiography Not That Kinda Girl, the actress and Loose Women panellist discussed how she eventually tracked down her father, after just ten minutes searching online.

Maxwell's mother Val fell pregnant at 22, to a married man whose wife was already expecting a child. Her birth certificate read 'Father unknown', as his identity was kept quiet.

"My birth was something family and friends whispered about. A child born out of wedlock was something to be ashamed of then, the subject of gossip and innuendo - a stain on the family," Maxwell wrote, as extracts published in The Mirror reveal. "I was aware of that from the beginning but it was something I couldn't talk about... a dirty secret."

She confessed: "So I always felt the love I was given was tainted with embarrassment and shame, a shame that has coloured my life in so many ways. It affected my self-esteem, my work, my attitude to sex, intimacy and babies - everything.

"I've only ever had seven lovers in my life and am really old-fashioned about relationships. I'm very prudish. Sex has always been a difficult area for me because I associate it with something shameful and dirty and it has taken me a long time to get over those feelings.

"But when Beau began asking about her grandfather I wanted to tell her the whole story. That meant tracing my father and facing up to just how much his absence had damaged me emotionally."

Describing her first meeting with John Murphy, Maxwell recalled: "When I saw his face for the first time and realised how much I looked like him, I felt all warm and fuzzy. I felt complete.

"We met in a hotel a few weeks later. I was so nervous I lost my voice the night before. When my dad walked in I couldn't look into his eyes because it was just like looking into a mirror. I'd spent a lifetime not allowing myself to feel anything for my father and although I wanted to, I was wary of getting rejected all over again.

"When it was time to go we were both awkward but he gave a 'come here' gesture and we hugged. Had I allowed myself to I would have gone to pieces and sobbed like a baby because it surprised me that I really felt like his kid. There was a definite connection."

However, Maxwell - who quit The Bill in 2009 - admitted that she is not sure "if there is place" for Murphy and his family in her life.

"Although each time I meet him I like him more and we may be close one day," she admitted. "Finding my father has profoundly affected me for the better. I feel healthier, more normal - as if I've just learnt to breathe properly without thinking about it.

"It's simply that I know who I am and where I'm from. But the words 'Father unknown' were branded on my soul for so long. More than half of all babies are born to unmarried couples today and, thankfully, the term 'illegitimate' is rarely used - because it means illegal.

"That's a terrible stamp to put on a child, isn't it? I picked up whispers that Mum had ruined her life by going with a man. Men spelt trouble, disaster, shame, something dirty. So any attempt mum had at a private life was thwarted by the stigma of being an unmarried mother and also by me. I sabotaged any chances she might have and was terrified when I saw her with a man."

She added: "Mum never talked about it properly to me. All she ever said was that no-one wanted her because of me. Imagine having that on your shoulders all your life."

> Maxwell: 'I used acting to avoid problems'