With nine number one hits under their spangly belts (we thought we were aware of all things Spice-y), we well imagined there wasn't a high-kicking song left unheard. There was. 'Denying' and 'Do It' didn't shower us with glitter and trampoline us joyously into the two-and-a-half hour Spice extravaganza.
Written by Jennifer Saunders and produced by Mamma Mia!'s Judy Craymer, the narrative is based on a group of four girls (had Posh requested to be omitted from that too?) attempting to make it big on a satirical X Factor-style talent show with a band called Eternity.
Perhaps we'd been expecting more of a nostalgic skip down memory lane with girls screeching about Girl Power. Yep, we should have read the small print too.
In fact, civilians may not have known a few of the first half of songs featured, including 'Move Over', 'Right Back At Ya' and 'Saturday Night Divas'. Confused? So were we. Solid Spice Girl fans will enjoy it, but perhaps we're just that bit too shallow.
Star of the show Viva, who lives on a houseboat - yes, we thought that was an odd addition too - is under pressure from reality TV villains (baddies akin to Simon Cowell and Sharon Osbourne), to dump her wannabe friends and go it alone - losing herself (and audience attention) along the way.
Oh, and her mum likes to drink (cue some Ab Fab Patsy and Eddie-style scenes) and she's adopted too, which lends itself to some Kleenex scenes later.
There were giggles of surprise as Mel C's solo venture 'I Turn To You' and Geri Halliwell's amazingly camp assault on the charts 'Look At Me' were woven into the story, as well as a clever mash-up of 'Goodbye/Mama/Headlines' performed by the heroine, her mum and bitchy TV mentor.
Light relief comes in the form of Botoxed bitch Simone's (aka Sharon Osbourne's) daughter, whose constant Twitter dialect is brilliant as she 'hashtags' conversations as an entirely useless PA somewhat similar to Bubble in Ab Fab. #won't_stay_relevant_for_long.
Some chili powder was added when it stepped up a gear with more high-tempo, shimmy-inducing classics. 'Spice up Your Life' was a definite dizzying highlight, while 'Stop' got the audience seat-strutting - but it was too little, too late.
Added to this were random plot developments, including two romances churned out in what seemed like seconds and a location change to Spain - to find Viva's real Mama, of course, and some bonkers renditions of classic songs.
Spice Girls with Jennifer Saunders and Judy Craymer
While sweet ballad 'Viva Forever' was performed beautifully by Viva's love interest acoustically on a guitar, the audience gasped as a middle-aged man and Viva's mum murdered '2 Become 1'.
And while it's a worthy effort to work their songs into any kind of plausible storyline, the remastered songs feel like they fall flat without the disco lights, feather boas and balls of the girls. The X Factor-style format won't stand the test of time - nor will the random TOWIE-inspired character.
Jennifer Saunders in Absolutely Fabulous
The show ended on a sugary high with the cast - who had more energy than a Duracell bunny - giving it some welly to a medley of Spice Girl hits. Even Mel B's man Stephan Belafonte, a self-confessed former non-fan, was mobile. Not dancing in his seat, he told us, just "shaking his leg".
The Spice Girls were bold, brassy, sexy and spray-painted with colour - but this wasn't as OTT as we'd have liked. Perhaps it's our fault for craving an all-singing, all-disco-dancing throwback to the '90s. We wanted to leave the theatre with our eyeballs collaged in sequins, feeling nauseous due to Baby's lollipop over-consumption, tattooed in Girl Power and flashing our bras - but we didn't.
There are, of course, some fun performances by the cast and a few laughs - hell, the Spice Girls love it, so you may too - but if you're expecting a singalong, you may as well just stay at home and whack on your Spice World VHS. And that's saying something.
Photo gallery - Spice Girls through the years:
Copyright: Rex Features