Honestly, the things celebs get up to nowadays to hold our attention. Some go to court; others go to prison (but leave three days later), and the rare few even steal kimonos from their fellow celebrities. What a way to live! But do you know which Heat-hogger has captivated us more than anyone else in the whole world this week? A nasty lady who told a very rich man that she didn't want to work for him. Sometimes the simplest things in life are the most pleasurable, aren't they?

1. Brand Katie
The Apprentice's queen of quips stuns the nation by making a "bloody fool" out of Sir Alan Sugar in the boardroom.

2. Paris Hilton
The celebrity heiress quits jail after just three days of her 23-day sentence. What's going to happen to her prison diary book deal?

3. Dannii Minogue
The 'I Begin To Wonder' singer agrees to sit between Simon Cowell and Sharon Osbourne on The X Factor. We hope she's being paid handsomely.

4. George Michael
A nasty judge lady orders the 'Faith' star to service the community. We're sure he'll be more than obliging.

5. Jennifer Aniston
Apparently the former Friends star is dating a former Essex brickie. Fingers crossed she's a fan of arse cleavage.

6. Sacha Baron Cohen
Baby Borat is on the way!

7. David Beckham
The iconic ball-kicker refuses to tattoo one of his arms until he has a baby daughter. David, mate, you're going to have to wait until after the Spice Girls reunion. OK?

8. Jordan
The ample-chested model admits that it was a mistake, six months into her pregnancy, to squeeze into a pink spandex catsuit and warble off-key on live TV. You don't say, love!

9. Sir Alan Sugar
Has the benighted businessmen been a little bit sexist in the boardroom this week?

10. Sinitta
The Grease Is The Word judge once nicked a kimono - yes, a kimono - from Kylie. Honestly, these celebs really are on a different planet, aren't they?