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This week's celebrity birthdays

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Last week we popped to the doctors for our annual check-up. Readers, the results were absolutely mortifying. Our blood pressure is higher than Pete Doherty's moggy. Our cholesterol levels are rising faster than Simon Cowell's bank balance. And our emerging paunch suggests we're heading for a second career as a Brian Blessed impersonator. Eek. Perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to scoff a slice of birthday cake every time we lavish a gift on a celebrity?


Anastacia

How many candles? The plucky warbler is 34 today.

DS' birthday present: Is Anastacia still a-moanin' and a-groanin' that she's "outta love"? Probably, but she won't be when she meets Holly and Fearne for a matchmaking session at 3pm tomorrow!


Jarvis Cocker

How many candles? The Britpop icon celebrates his 44th birthday on Wednesday.

DS' birthday present: Jarvis lives in Paris these days, so we've bought him a twelve-month season ticket for the Eurostar. Now he's got no excuse not to visit his friends at DS towers!


Nicole Richie

How many candles? The Simple Life star turns 26 on Friday.

DS' birthday present: Nicole needs her rest now she's pregnant, so we've bought her an orthopaedic, hypoallergenic, memory foam mattress. Miss Richie, it's time to put your feet up!


Liam Gallagher

How many candles? The Oasis frontman celebrates his 35th birthday on Friday.

DS' birthday present: We've put up with Liam's irksome mono-brow for almost 15 years now, but enough is enough. We've sent the ill-groomed rocker to a beautician for a very special birthday "facial".


Billie Piper

How many candles? The pop tart-turned-TV harlot turns 25 on Saturday.

DS' birthday present: We don't want Billie's steamy role in The Secret Diary of a Call Girl going to her head, so we've sent her to a convent in the Outer Hebrides for a month. Aren't we thoughtful?

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