Digital Spy's Celebrity Chart: September 28

Newsflash! Abi Titmuss has decided to adopted a more natural, fresh-faced image. "I've no fake fingernails, no fake tan and no fake hair anymore," the ample-chested wench insists. "It's all me and I feel much better actually." Abi, we doff our caps in respect, but we're worried about the consequences of your actions. What if every surgically-enhanced, done-up-to-the-nines, fake-as-a-$10-Rolex celeb chooses to follow your lead? Imagine Jordan without her gigantic chesticles. Imagine a botox-free Sharon Osbourne. Imagine Cher as an actual 61-year-old woman. Woah! On second thoughts, Abi, pop in your extensions, make an appointment with your nail lady, and get yourself down to Supatan sharpish.

10. Betty Boo
The nineties throwback reckons she wants "fisticuffs" with Cheryl Cole. Bad idea, Betty - Chezza's got a mean right hook.

9. George Michael
The king of designer stubble shows up at Hampstead Heath with a joint, a kebab and a tingle in his loins... Calm down, Mr. Policeman! This time it's for the Extras Christmas special.

8. Natasha Bedingfield
The blonde popstrel wants to join the Spice Girls. Nat, love, who doesn't?

7. Kate Nash
The cheeky chapette reckons she's the new Posh. Hmm. We've got two words for you, Miss Nash: "bittah" and "fittah".

6. Jeremy Beadle
Beadle's about, it seems, and hanging out with the indie kids.

5. Gabrielle
"I was a female artist on TV with a fat ass and an eyepatch," the soul queen tells DS. "And I still had a number one!" Amen to that!

4. Des O'Connor
You're never too old to get hitched, as the 75-year-old Countdown host proves.

3. James Blunt
The singing squaddie is so randy he cracks onto the world's most famous lesbian. D'oh!

2. Abi Titmuss
The glamour model defiantly ditches the trappings of her trade. But will it be goodbye lad mags, hello Celeb Colonic Live!!!?

1. Mariah Carey
The high-maintenance diva might be celebrating Christmas with Cheryl and Ashley this year.