Showbiz
Over the weekend we received a slightly delirious email from a concerned Celebrity Birthdays 'fan'. "Those ruddy posties are on strike again," she noted, demonstrating an impressive grasp of current affairs. "However will you send your celebrity birthday presents this week?" Well, worry not Mrs. Fanny Fretwell of Frinton-on-Sea, for we have implemented a three-stage system to ensure our favourite stars get their gifts on time. One, we've bought a shiny new bicycle; two, we've attached a capacious pannier; three, we've bagged ourselves an eager-to-please work experience chappie. It's all in the forward-planning, you know.
Matt Damon
How many candles? The Hollywood tough guy is 37 today.
DS' birthday present: We heard on the grapevine that Matt's been pained by a nasty ailment of late. Apparently all that Bourne Ultimatum fisticuffs nonsense has left him with a blood blister on his right index finger. Ouch! Try not to pop it, Matt – a bumper pack of plasters is on its way to you now.
Sharon Osbourne
How many candles? The mouthy matriarch turns 55 on Tuesday.
DS' birthday present: We reckon the escalating tension between Mrs. O and Courtney Love needs to be diffused, so we've organised a boxing bout for the rock mamas. If anyone's interested in attending, tickets are available at £40 a pop.
Chris TarrantHow many candles? The Hollywood tough guy is 37 today.
DS' birthday present: We heard on the grapevine that Matt's been pained by a nasty ailment of late. Apparently all that Bourne Ultimatum fisticuffs nonsense has left him with a blood blister on his right index finger. Ouch! Try not to pop it, Matt – a bumper pack of plasters is on its way to you now.
How many candles? The mouthy matriarch turns 55 on Tuesday.
DS' birthday present: We reckon the escalating tension between Mrs. O and Courtney Love needs to be diffused, so we've organised a boxing bout for the rock mamas. If anyone's interested in attending, tickets are available at £40 a pop.
How many candles? The Millionaire presenter celebrates his 51st birthday on Wednesday.
DS' birthday present: In the light of recent events, it's not ridiculous to presume that Chris might be in need of a decent lawyer, so we've booked him an appointment with our good friend Billy the Brief. In preparation, we've also sent Chris a large packet of brown envelopes.
How many candles? Jennifer Saunders’ best mate begins her sixth decade on Thursday.
DS' birthday present: We originally intended to send Dawn a yummy Chocolate Orange, but a colleague pointed out that it might be a tad insensitive, so we've decided to send her a box of Quality Street instead. Dawn, love, please make sure Lenny doesn't scoff them all!
How many candles? The man of many guises turns 36 on Saturday.
DS' birthday present: Sacha will become a daddy before the year is out, so we've made him a new father's survival kit. It contains nappies, wet wipes, a box of Farley's Rusks, a romper suit and - most importantly of all- a year's supply of Red Bull.
