Digital Spy's Celebrity Chart: November 23

Have you ever looked at Salma Hayek's chesticles and thought 'Where the hell did they come from?' Well, ponder no more, for the actress, director and Ugly Betty producer has revealed all. "I put my hands in holy water and said, 'Please God, give me some breasts!'" she recalls. "He gave me them! Within a few months, I developed a growing spurt, as all teenagers do, and I was very pleased with the way I grew outwards." Much as we're delighted for Salma – let's be honest, God fulfilled her wishes with bells on - we're concerned that other celebs might try to follow her lead. Janice Dickinson will ask Him Upstairs for even bigger lips; Sharon Osbourne will pray for another total body transformation, and Joan Rivers will gab at the Almighty until his poor sacred ears fall off. Yikes. Let's hope they're all atheists, eh?

10. Kelly Osbourne
The rock heiress is accused of being a "sad Kelly Osbourne impersonator" while queuing for the loos in a London nightclub. He was just advising her to touch up her make up, we're sure.

9. James Blunt
Blunty admits he once got jiggy with nine naked women in a swimming pool. Now, come on sir, don't forget the rest of them.

8. Heather Mills
If Lady Mucca has her way, we'll all be drinking rat's milk by the end of the year. Eugh!

7. Keith Chegwin
The TV legend tells DS that The Queen might have watched Naked Jungle. Well, the monarchy is supposed to be modernising.

6. Kerry Katona
The former Atomic Kitten star insists she's not, we repeat not, bankrupt. We're not sure we believe her – why else would she be shopping at Iceland?

5. Salma Hayek
We're having a word in God's ear as you read.

4. James McAvoy
The swoonsome Scotsman admits he enjoys getting naked on camera. Well, Jamesy boy, don't let us hold you back!

3. Peter Andre
What is Jordan getting her beloved hubbie for Christmas this year? A pair of cold, squidgy, used silicon implants, that's what. Her generosity knows no bounds, does it?

2. Sarah Michelle 'Prinze'
Buffy's new name just doesn't sound right, does it? We're going to start a 'Bring Back The Gellar!' campaign.

1. Madonna
Bah humbug! There's to be no Christmas in Madge's household this year.