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'X Factor': The Musical - A sneak peek at its funniest lyrics

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The X Factor musical is starting to take shape, and this week Digital Spy got treated to a preview of three chucklesome songs from Harry Hill's much-anticipated show.

Of course, we don't want to spoil the experience of I Can't Sing before it opens at the London Palladium next spring, but we couldn't resist sharing with you some of our favourite Simon Cowell-baiting lyrics...

Nigel Harman, Simon Cowell and Harry Hill at a photo-call at RADA in London to launch the X Factor Musical 'I Cant sing'.

© PA Images / Sean Dempsey/PA Wire

Nigel Harman, Simon Cowell and Harry Hill



The first song up was 'Please Simon', where an ensemble of X Factor auditionees desperately appeal to the show's version of Cowell, played by ex-EastEnders star Nigel Harman, in a Les Mis 'At The End of the Day' style:

"Please Simon, I won't give up I'll keep trying, every single member of my family is dying."
Sob stories are to the X Factor what high-waisted trousers are to Simon Cowell. Always there and mildly disturbing.

"Please Simon, this is a talent I've mastered, what gives you the right to sit there and judge me, you bastard?"
Brings back fond memories of Ablisa. *Sigh*.

"Please Simon, I'm not like ordinary men. Please Simon, I fear I might kill again."
There have been multiple X Factor contestants over the years who we can imagine having actual skeletons in their closet.

"Please Simon, please, we're begging sweet Jesus, Simon, please, oh Simon, please. Simon make me rich, don't be so useless, bitch!"
Oh come on now, Simon clearly has his uses...

Nigel Harman, Simon Cowell and Harry Hill at a photo-call at RADA in London to launch the X Factor Musical 'I Cant sing'.

© PA Images / Sean Dempsey/PA Wire

Simon Cowell at 'I Can't Sing' photocall



Next, we were introduced to eco-warrior plumber Max (Alan Morrissey), who explained his motivation for joining the show in 'I Wanna Be Like Bono':

"I wanna be like Bono with just a dash of Sting. I know that Nelson Mandela is a hell of a fella, but let's face it, he can't really sing."
Once again, 'Beautiful Day' trumps ending apartheid.

"The planet's dying fast, doesn't it make you sad? And then there's third world debt, apparently that's bad."
Global warming isn't great, but X Factor contestants aren't going to look gorgeous and marketable without those mountains of hairspray.

"I want to save the whale, that is my greatest wish. They're just like human beings, except they're blue and fish."
Technically whales are mammals, but we'll let it go as this line got a huge laugh.

"I wanna be like maybe Chris Martin, but not a whinger, perhaps Ed Sheeran, not as ginger."
Poor Ed Sheeran - such an easy target. At least he's got Taylor Swift's shoulder to cry on nowadays.

Simon Cowell: 'The X Factor' USA season two promo image

© Fox / Nino Munoz

Simon Cowell



Then there was Chenice (Cynthia Erivo), who lives in a decrepit caravan in an ITV blackspot and has never heard of X Factor (and apparently has a talking dog sidekick, who wasn't present at the preview).

Her grandpa has just died after his iron lung was disconnected to make toast when Max encourages her to audition. Her response? 'I Can't Sing':

"I can't sing, open my throat and windows start to crack. I thought a quaver was a cheese-based snack."
True, that always got giggles in primary school music lessons.

"There's a million songs I have mangled, every note in my throat gets tangled. Sounding more like a cat being strangled by its own ball of string, I can't sing."
It never stopped Rylan...

"I never knew, I didn't think I could, thought I made Geri Halliwell sound good."
Oh come on, who doesn't love a bit of 'Mi Chico Latino'?

Chenice: "If you say so, maybe I can hack it, if it's not such a god awful racket" / Max: "Don't forget you could win a packet, I can just hear kerching!"
And isn't that what the X Factor is all about?

I Can't Sing: The X Factor Musical premieres on March 26, 2014, with previews from February 27.

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