Essex encouraged Argent to try online dating in the latest series of TOWIE following his break-ups with Lydia Bright and Gemma Collins, but the wannabe crooner failed to find his perfect match.
Speaking to Digital Spy, Essex struggled to come up with reasons why anyone would want to date his friend, naming his sparkly white teeth as his only selling point.
"His dress sense is bad, his chat is bad, his hair's ridiculous now," he said. "The only good about him would have to be... his teeth.
"I've tried [to set him up], what else can I do? The only thing I can do now is go, 'He's got nice teeth, look'.
"If I could take him out and take him shopping, [I'd] probably spice him up a little bit. His clothes are ridiculous, he's got the worst dress sense in the world."
Essex then scoffed at Argent's revelation that he fancies 16-year-old X Factor star Ella Henderson, and told Digital Spy not to expect a call after our meeting at a celebrity speed dating event.
Asked how long he thinks TOWIE could continue, Essex replied: "That's a tough question, I ask myself that every day. It's doing well."
On whether he could picture himself in Sugar Hut as an OAP, the reality star declared: "I'll be going there when I'm 90."
Essex was speaking at an event to promote The Sims 3 Seasons, which is available on PC/MAC from tomorrow (November 16).
Watch Digital Spy and Joey Essex present a special Sims 3 Seasons weather forecast below: