S01E03: 'On the Ball'

Kyle and Chardonnay decide to go ahead with the wedding of the year, complete with glossy magazine deal and its Snow White theme, and despite Chardonnay’s burns. As the stunned guests look on, Chardonnay lies sleeping, wearing pink dress and accompanied by seven small children dressed as dwarves until her handsome prince – Kyle – arrives on his white steed and awakens her with a kiss.

Nola, adoptive mother of Ian and Donna’s son Daniel arrives distraught at the reception to tell them he is missing. Ian panics when the news about his secret son hits the headlines, but the Sparks’ manager Stefan Hauser arranges for the club to assign a lawyer to start a custody battle on Ian and Donna’s behalf. Ian slowly realises that the press will look more kindly on him if he expresses his desire to have his son returned to him. He gets rather emotional during a press conference and Donna looks on in confusion…it wasn’t that long ago Ian wanted nothing whatsoever to do with Daniel.

Tanya Turner starts to have nightmares about Frank Laslett, who still lies in a coma, and gets little support from Jason who is more interested in his affair with Donna’s teenage sister Marie and his escalating feud with Sal Biagi. In order to relieve her conscience, Tanya begins to visit Frank regularly…something that doesn’t escape the suspicious eye of his intensive care nurse, Janette Dunkley. Tanya allays Nurse Dunkley’s suspicions by commenting on her devotion to Frank, flattering her outlandishly in the process. However, even Tanya would be horrified if she discovered the true extent of Nurse Dunkley’s devotion to her patient.

Jason’s oafish behaviour and his growing sense of isolation from his team mates is beginning to make Sal feel homesick for his family and Milan. Stefan advises him to rise above Jason’s behaviour and concentrate on his game…once the fans and the team see results, they will accept him as one of their own.

Chardonnay’s post-wedding happiness is short-lived when she finds out that the men who attacked her won’t be charged – as far as the police are concerned it was a tragic accident. Kyle takes his wife out for a consolation dinner but ends up in a fist fight with three men who had been shouting insults through the restaurant window. Kyle’s behaviour and the realisation that her career is over sends Chardonnay over the edge and into depression, to such an extent that an appalled Kyle finds her hacking off her long hair with a pair of scissors.

Donna is horrified when the Walmsleys’ private lives make the papers yet again – this time, it’s Ian’s drug-fuelled exploits with a couple of lap-dancers at Kyle’s stag night.