I've never heard such nonsense

Well, here I am again. It's been a funny ol' week in soapland.

Tina O'Brien quit Corrie, Lacey Turner ballooned her boobs, Hollyoaks set up camp in the US and Ian Beale apparently quit EastEnders.

All except the last were true, so all-in-all an eventful one. And to cap it all I've had e-mails flooding in all week asking about an update! And here it is in all its glory.

I'll kick off with a quick question.

Shahan e-mailed to say:

Hi big fan of your column - I was wondering whether you could tell me when we can see Lacey Turner on EastEnders after her breast implants?

Also do you have any insights on the Beale-Micthell feud - will Ian die or will he survive?

An educated guess probably points me in the region of the end of May for Lacey's bust. But I'm sure you'll see her boobs coming before you see her... And the Beale feud - well, the rumours about Adam Woodyatt leaving are completely untrue, so he doesn't die. But, reading the storylines, May 18th looks like it's going to be a fantastic episode.

The interesting thing is that Corrie, Emmerdale and Hollyoaks all have BIG storylines that week, too. I did wonder why but then I remembered - it's the Soap Awards the week after. I'm looking forward to them already!

Hollyoaks: Well, let's just say that Craig and J-P finally take their emotions for each other to another level, there's a double wedding on the horizon and a body's found...

Coronation Street: Definitely has some hot stuff coming up. That's all I'm going to say. For now.

Emmerdale: We finally find out who killed Tom King in what looks to be an hour reveal episode. And there's a big stunt, much like the East-End soap.

Now I know soaps film quite far ahead, but I was shocked to learn that The Bill has already filmed up to August!! If you're a fan of the show, it sounds like good news. Wrong. Michael Grade recently bartered a deal to secure more football matches for ITV, forcing The Bill out of its usual slot on numerous occasions throughout the coming months. Then again, all is good if you're a footie fan, too.

Also, Aml Ameen - who plays PC Lewis Hardy - has just filmed his final scenes with the show which air in August. According to reliable sources, it involves a high-speed helicopter chase through London.

That's it from me for this instalment. More soon. Promise.