Reality TV
Welcome back to the Emzi Column, you Big Brother junkies.
Hello sailor! There?s a Kitten on board!
Ahh, everyone loves an energetic lesbian, don?t they? So when Kitten pounced on the stage, gave her partner one heck of a tounge sandwich and them enthuiasticly made her way into the BB house, Emzi reckoned that Kitten was certainly a player in the BB competition. Cute, lively and, so far, liked and hated in equal measure, (and therefore much talked about already and that?s always good sign) this is one purrrry little miss to keep an eye on.
Some people may argue that her unforgettable entrance to the Big Brother house and attempt at rebellion was rather staged but I don?t care. If there?s one thing we?ve learned from beigeness of BB4, it?s that the more interesting, witty, cunning, rude,daft, antagonistic, outrageous the contestant the better.
So is Emzi stroking the Kitten this year?
Hmmmmn. There seems to be a great deal of terminalogical inexactitudes when it comes to Kitten?s background so I?m not a fan yet although she is by far the most watcheable person in the house. Has she had a bad life? Is she the new Nick Bateman? Or is she one of those bored, attention-seeking monied twits who has "political causes" because thats what you can do when you?ve got loads of cash and do nothing else?. Those kind of people need to be glued to the doors of a DHSS office and made to listen Common People by Pulp until they go mad. But is that Kitten? She certainly seems quite vunerable and anarchic at the same time. Truth is while she is watchable and I want to champion her, but we do not know her past for ourselves really. So when it come to the Kitten I?m afraid the Emzi jury is currently out.
Yes my Kitty-cat is all that?
Roof-climbing, fridge-shifting, microphone-undoing, statue-stealing, cocktail-dress wearing basket-case and - who knows? - even pathelogical liar. Call the RSPCA, ahhhh maybe we should adopt that Kitten. Hate her or like her, she makes BB5 interesting. Nick, Jade, Federico, liars, gameplayers antagonists - I love them all - they make Big Brother, not the boring sunbathers. We have to keep that rabble-rousing Kitten in the house at all costs.
?and if Kitten?s behaviour means another housemates gets the boot then that will be hilarious!
Fake Eviction? BB - you have my benediction.
After all the Back To Basics nonsense from last year, a fake eviction very entertainingly evil indeed. As was the Lose Your Luggage fun. Big Brother it seems, is right back on form, thankfully. I only hope the evilness intensifies. Perhaps by week 5 they should put serial killers on day release in there. Evil is good.
Re:Vanessa
Blonde, ex-model?sleeps with footballers?.ten a penny?zzzzzzzzz.
Call the doppleganger police! Alex has sneaked back into the house!
I didn?t realise Alex Sibly had a twin brother! By the way - here?s another little known fact - Stuart has four A-Levels and is the post intellegent person he knows. He can?t be that intellegent if he wears the sort of bandana that makes him look like he?s in a New Kids On The Block tribute band. Good grief. Having said that, he cleary enjoys make-up related sissfication so it?s not all bad news. He may even win if enough people mistake him for Alex Sibley.
Victor?s DNA
Dis Niggaz Attractive? Dis No-marks is Abysmal, more like. Zeeeeshhhh.
Emma Dilemma
Now you?d think that I?d support and Emma from Manchester?being an Emma from Manchester myself origionally. However, Emma?s village have called, they want their idiot back. I thnk she?ll be tthe first to get down and dirty.
Beware: Glasgow Groupie at work.
As if having to listen to a Glasgow accent last year wasn?t bad enough for this fan of gorgeous Glasgow tones, BB have thrown in another Glaswegian housemate just to torture me, I?m sure. So Jason, you have to go because I can?t concentrate on the show. Plus the fact that your entrance into the BB house in that leopard-print posing pouch just makes me want to lose the will to live. In the words of Jade Goody "Put your arse away!". I know I said I wanted to see sex this year but after looking as Jason?s bum I?ve changed my mind. He may well win. And he?s started a new trend of wearing aprons naked. Try it at home - it?s fun.
There?s Something About Nadia
Man, woman, woman, man who cares? This is not There?s Something about Miriam you know?.To put the argument to rest?Nadia has a rather long ribcage and a pair of tuppaware tits?
The parentage of Shell?
Helen Adams and Nush Nowak have obviously had a love-child?.
She could win on the grounds that if you?re under 30, slim with long, blonde hair, you?ll make it to the final fornight regardless. Endemol ensure that to keep the tabloids happy. Attractive blondes sell papers. Papers promote Big Brother etc etc. Bet she?s in there for the long run.
*New!* The grovelling part of the column!
Mr Tickle is our new columnist - welcome sir! Chosen by God, loved by women?. Now Chosen by DS loved by BB fans everywhere. We are not worthy.
Any more bitching, ranting or perving to be done this week Emzi?
Nope, although I wish Heat would reprint that photo of Dermot O?Leary in the Scouts uniform from last year?s task. My picture is very crumpled now.
Warning: Emzi reserves the right to change her opinions at any time.
Hello sailor! There?s a Kitten on board!
Ahh, everyone loves an energetic lesbian, don?t they? So when Kitten pounced on the stage, gave her partner one heck of a tounge sandwich and them enthuiasticly made her way into the BB house, Emzi reckoned that Kitten was certainly a player in the BB competition. Cute, lively and, so far, liked and hated in equal measure, (and therefore much talked about already and that?s always good sign) this is one purrrry little miss to keep an eye on.
Some people may argue that her unforgettable entrance to the Big Brother house and attempt at rebellion was rather staged but I don?t care. If there?s one thing we?ve learned from beigeness of BB4, it?s that the more interesting, witty, cunning, rude,daft, antagonistic, outrageous the contestant the better.
So is Emzi stroking the Kitten this year?
Hmmmmn. There seems to be a great deal of terminalogical inexactitudes when it comes to Kitten?s background so I?m not a fan yet although she is by far the most watcheable person in the house. Has she had a bad life? Is she the new Nick Bateman? Or is she one of those bored, attention-seeking monied twits who has "political causes" because thats what you can do when you?ve got loads of cash and do nothing else?. Those kind of people need to be glued to the doors of a DHSS office and made to listen Common People by Pulp until they go mad. But is that Kitten? She certainly seems quite vunerable and anarchic at the same time. Truth is while she is watchable and I want to champion her, but we do not know her past for ourselves really. So when it come to the Kitten I?m afraid the Emzi jury is currently out.
Yes my Kitty-cat is all that?
Roof-climbing, fridge-shifting, microphone-undoing, statue-stealing, cocktail-dress wearing basket-case and - who knows? - even pathelogical liar. Call the RSPCA, ahhhh maybe we should adopt that Kitten. Hate her or like her, she makes BB5 interesting. Nick, Jade, Federico, liars, gameplayers antagonists - I love them all - they make Big Brother, not the boring sunbathers. We have to keep that rabble-rousing Kitten in the house at all costs.
?and if Kitten?s behaviour means another housemates gets the boot then that will be hilarious!
Fake Eviction? BB - you have my benediction.
After all the Back To Basics nonsense from last year, a fake eviction very entertainingly evil indeed. As was the Lose Your Luggage fun. Big Brother it seems, is right back on form, thankfully. I only hope the evilness intensifies. Perhaps by week 5 they should put serial killers on day release in there. Evil is good.
Re:Vanessa
Blonde, ex-model?sleeps with footballers?.ten a penny?zzzzzzzzz.
Call the doppleganger police! Alex has sneaked back into the house!
I didn?t realise Alex Sibly had a twin brother! By the way - here?s another little known fact - Stuart has four A-Levels and is the post intellegent person he knows. He can?t be that intellegent if he wears the sort of bandana that makes him look like he?s in a New Kids On The Block tribute band. Good grief. Having said that, he cleary enjoys make-up related sissfication so it?s not all bad news. He may even win if enough people mistake him for Alex Sibley.
Victor?s DNA
Dis Niggaz Attractive? Dis No-marks is Abysmal, more like. Zeeeeshhhh.
Emma Dilemma
Now you?d think that I?d support and Emma from Manchester?being an Emma from Manchester myself origionally. However, Emma?s village have called, they want their idiot back. I thnk she?ll be tthe first to get down and dirty.
Beware: Glasgow Groupie at work.
As if having to listen to a Glasgow accent last year wasn?t bad enough for this fan of gorgeous Glasgow tones, BB have thrown in another Glaswegian housemate just to torture me, I?m sure. So Jason, you have to go because I can?t concentrate on the show. Plus the fact that your entrance into the BB house in that leopard-print posing pouch just makes me want to lose the will to live. In the words of Jade Goody "Put your arse away!". I know I said I wanted to see sex this year but after looking as Jason?s bum I?ve changed my mind. He may well win. And he?s started a new trend of wearing aprons naked. Try it at home - it?s fun.
There?s Something About Nadia
Man, woman, woman, man who cares? This is not There?s Something about Miriam you know?.To put the argument to rest?Nadia has a rather long ribcage and a pair of tuppaware tits?
The parentage of Shell?
Helen Adams and Nush Nowak have obviously had a love-child?.
She could win on the grounds that if you?re under 30, slim with long, blonde hair, you?ll make it to the final fornight regardless. Endemol ensure that to keep the tabloids happy. Attractive blondes sell papers. Papers promote Big Brother etc etc. Bet she?s in there for the long run.
*New!* The grovelling part of the column!
Mr Tickle is our new columnist - welcome sir! Chosen by God, loved by women?. Now Chosen by DS loved by BB fans everywhere. We are not worthy.
Any more bitching, ranting or perving to be done this week Emzi?
Nope, although I wish Heat would reprint that photo of Dermot O?Leary in the Scouts uniform from last year?s task. My picture is very crumpled now.
Warning: Emzi reserves the right to change her opinions at any time.
More: Reality TV, Big Brother
