Enjoy The Violence?

After the frightening yet compulsive debacle that was Fight Night, I feel a few harsh words are in order. Now excuse me while I take a short time out just have a good old rant…

Victor and Jason - BB new Axis Of Evil!

Can you take a pill to turn you gay? The reason I ask is watching the behaviour of these two no-marks is enough to put you off men for life, isn't it?. Judging by the expressions on their faces when the Bedsitters returned, it’s now clear that Victor And Jason have some sort of personality disorder which makes when ultra competitive. Sure, Emma provoked and Marco..er…danced but the reactions of Victor and Jason went way off the scale of a normal reaction.

He’s Not A Gangster…He’s a Very Naughty Boy.

Victor has a severe god-complex, sexist with a violent streak. I actually fear for his safety in the outside world. If he set out to be (quote Victor) The Most Hated Man In Britain, he’s got his wish. Oh and he’s also got a sniffle ‘coz of the cold water showers...poor ikkle angelcake! The good news is, the moron has allegedly admitted he’s involved in certain illegal activities so he’ll be in the slammer soon enough if he was daft to admit it on TV. What a fruitcake.

Game On Victory for Victor?

Has Victor skilfully executed the cruellest Big Brother game plan of all? Disposing of a housemate by picking on the least educated, most volatile then and intimidating her until she cracks and therefore has to be kicked out? He did calls Emma’s removal from the house "A result" after all. Scary.

Fly JasonAir…or not.

Whichever airline Jason works for, I’m boycotting it. That man is a liability onboard and aircraft. He’s also obviously a Dairylea Triangle short of a picnic. The way he letches all over Vainessa, pushing her into corners would be intimidating to anyone else except Vainessa who seems to bizarrely accept it. But to be honest, there’ s more passion between me and a bowl of soggy Brussel sprouts than there is between those two. It’s an utterly, utterly, revolting site night after night. Bleughhh.

Shut Up Shell.

Well done. After successfully marginalising various people in the house using various methods, you had the gall to cook and mow lawns naked… then whinge that Ahmed is "perving" at you gave me a good laugh - you silly girl.

If you’re educated and open-minded, you’ll understand that if you are brought up within a certain religion or culture, then you are doctrined to behave a certain way. It’s called tolerance and there ain’t much of it in the world. To expect Ahmed to suddenly change after 44 years just to suit your feminist ideology is astonishing naïve and intellectually lazy. I don’t belong to any organised religion (well, not unless you count The Church of Jon Tickle) but to watch someone of Shell’s supposed intelligence and education refuse to understand the way that Ahmed’s religion and upbringing works, and respect it, just astounds me. It smacks of selective-open-mindedness. Silly bint.

Fight Night: Station Provocation

I guess everyone must know what it’s like to be accused of something then not given the opportunity to defend yourself. So when Emma threw a catering tray at Victor’s direction, I’m sure many people could feel her utter frustration at Victor that had welled up for days under both scrutiny and claustrophobia. Knowing Victor’s character, Emma’s inability to express herself, add alcohol to the situation I’m not surprised it kicked off in the way it did. But more about Emma V Endemol from me soon. And it won’t make pretty reading…

Who Turned Over The Table?

Gawd, it’s like "Where’s Lord Lucan, isn’t it?" Who did turn over the trestle tables with the food on, on Fight Night? Nadia? Victor? Emma? Jason? Well, I can resolve this issue now. It was me. While all the fighting was going on, I hopped over the garden wall, ate all the dips and Doritos, glugged the Champers, flipped the table and no-one noticed. It did happen, you just didn’t see it. There was a missing hour after all.

Fight Night: Desperate Dan or Dan the Diplomatic Dad?

Since two of Dan’s buddies are up for eviction, the poor bitch must be wondering what on earth is going on. So it was interesting to note that he adopted a bit of a peacemaker role on Fight Night and the morning after while still managing to crawl into the Jungle Prats lair and bitch. I don’t trust people who have badges on their hats anyway.

Fight Night: "F*ck Off Nadia"

Now we all heard Vain-essa scream those words at Nadia but it’s a shame we didn’t see her lunge at Nadia first. I certainly heard Marco and Nadia discussing the possibility of Nadia pressing charges against Vain-essa this morning. Nadia, sue the girl, with any luck the vacuous tart might be deported.

Fight Night: Where have all the cowboys gone?

Restraining Victor could not have been easy for Stuart - he didn’t sign up to BB to become a security guard poor chap. But may have diffused a situation which could have developed into something much worse. I think we’ve go the winner here and it’s only week 3 - unless he joins the Jungle Prats of course. And his diary room nomination appearance was so embarrassing I wanted to die. And that cowboy outfit made me come over all unnecessary. Yeee-haaaah! Well done Sheriff - now Michelle’s in the house again, will you please pluck the Chicken!

Make Love Not War?

Light a match, stand well back BB fans, Emzi is f*cking livid with Endemol for allowing the Fight Night situation to happen. And even more livid that Victor seems to have got away with it and Emma hasn’t. Regardless of what Emma did or didn’t do, (and lets face it, we don’t know the extent of it yet) the level of Victor’s intimidation and level of violence means he should be thrown out anyway.

I’m starting to think Endemol screened for people who can’t cope this year, rather than people who can. Cynical? You decide. But look at it this way, here we are in week four and it’s such a mess that we haven’t even had a genuine eviction yet.

Strange though isn’t it, that in the chaos - how achingly poignant that the final shot focused was the words of Kitten scrawled on the wall…"No More War"…

Peace Off!

Emma’s gone, for some perplexing reason Victor is still in the house and half the house are under formal warnings. So what’s happened since? The Jungle Prats fake niceness. Co-operation. Apologetic hugs. Ahhh. But who are they kidding? We watched them for twenty days and it only took the return of two housemates to tip their fragile egos over the edge. Has peace broken out? I wouldn’t count on it, the bunch of moronic, cretinous fakers.

Actually, I want Victor and Jason To Stay In The House!

Why? Because as long as they're in there, they're not mixing with us in society.

Wow! This is a firey column Emzi?

I blame Zinedine Zidane, failing Nicorette patches, my bank manager, Endemol, Thames Trains, men, the Student Loan Company…Ra Ra Ra. Now, where’s me Marlboro Lights?

Warning. Emzi reserves the right ot change her opinions at any time