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Reality TV Nightly Update

Thanks For The Mammary!

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Boobs, busts, breasts, tits, baps, melons, globes, nippies, hooters, jugs, love pillows, devil’s dumplings, norks, Bristols, jumperlumps, lait-mates, puppies, babylons, headlights, milkshakes, knockers. What is at about this silly little island that makes us so repressed when it comes to fun with breasts?

Trying not to turn this column into a Les Dawson sketch, overheard two women chatting about Jam Night in my local newsagent last Friday. "Do you think some of them are prostitutes?" uttered one. "They chose Page Three girls so they would take their bras off, didn’t they?" said the other. Hmmn.

Don’t be reserved when it comes to the preserve!

Despite our supposed modern, liberated, Meterosexual age, breasts are still often seen as objects of negativity, inconvenience, tartiness, illness, humour, embarrassment, ridicule etc. Sometimes, whole pages of magazines are devoted to some celeb who has a stiff nipple. Only this week some poor woman was frog-marched from The National Gallery in London for breastfeeding. Hunky blokes are idolised for their pecks* yet paradoxically, Jordan, Kerry and Jodie are ridiculed for displaying their championship chests and you can’t open a tabloid without seeing a pair of unleashed pleasure puppies. It’s almost as if the media and UK society are in a tit quandary sometimes.

Squeeze Me Baps!

Now, I know many will dismiss the BB5 girls and boys for their titty antics as being a bit slapperish. I call it delightfully uninhibited. It was Michelle to coined the now legendary phrase Squeeze me baps and the BB5 girls have certainly had a lot of fun with their boobies. And best of all, the mammary fun has been mostly at the initiation of the girls themselves.

Religious, moral, cultural or media-reinforced social reasons mean many women don’t see there busts - however they look - as part of their beauty. And that’s perfectly understandable. But, as the BB5 girls have demonstrated, we shouldn’t we be prudish, squeamish or embarrassed about them either. Quite the opposite in fact! Whip ‘em out! Celebrate them! Decorate them with…er… Jam, icing and Hundreds and Thousands!

Straight Eye-full For The Queer Guy!

Who could forget Emma’s initial reluctance to squeezed icing on her dumplings, but after some encouragement from Michelle, she did. "I feel liberated!" yelped Emma as she adorned her tits with various cake embellishments. But it’s not just the straight mates who have a lust for the bust: "This is a first for me!" said Dan as he joined in the jam frolics. My gawd, you wouldn’t even catch a gay man having jammy baps as a midnight snack in gay porn!

Column and Gomorrah!

So if you woke up this morning and were confused as to whether to put jam on your toast or your tits, don’t worry. The BB5 girls have made the most our their audience and put a new spin on tit-tasticness. If I was writing this column for any BB in most of western Europe…well I probably wouldn’t be writing it at all - it would probably be a non-issue. And full marks to Davina for wearing a pair of jam-smothered fakies last eviction night, too.

Before BB5 had started, in my first column, I stated that I wanted to see sexual behaviour in the house. This was not restricted to intercourse , I meant any activity which could be deemed sexual and Jam Night was. But it’s certainly dragged BB back where it belongs - adult content viewing that annoys the Daily Mail.

And if Jam Night helped to do just that, it’s all right by me. The only question now is -raspberry or strawberry? Marmalade, if you’re feeling adventurous.

Warning: Emzi Preserves the right to put jam on her crumpets only at any time.



*Well, except Jason.

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