Reality TV
It's Day 71. Hankies out...
What a rip-roaring rollercoaster of a ride BB5 has been, eh viewers? Has it been the best BB ever? Yes but it?s also been the worst. Astonishing bias, violence, intimidation, intolerance, fun, sex, insults, love, nudity, The Cheeky Girls, booze, lies, mud, military coups, Sir Patrick Moore, chains, cake, pampering, vomit, friendship and selective rule-breaking and good tasks have made for great entertainment. What more could you possibly want from your summer?
As this ten week loveable debacle comes to a close - here?s my Bridget Jones-esque take on life in the DS:BB bunker in the run up to BB5 and over the last 71 days?
Marlboro Lights smoked: Er?hello? I?m worse than Nadia!
Money spend on tabloids and magazines during BB5: £151.80.
Alcohol units: Haha!
Hours spent writing columns: I can only calculate it in days.
Hours watching the housemates on E4: Infinite.
Total amount of money spent on evictions/wins: 25p - Nadia to win.
Number of bag of crisps eaten during BB5: - 146 - exactly. But does that technically count Doritos?
Bad habits picked up from housemates this year: 6:
Chewing toothpicks
Wearing doughboy hats
"I know a place where?we can boogie"
"Darrrhhhlliiiiinggggg!"
"Am I bothered?"
"Shall we just get back to being fabulous?"
Irate discussions with tabloid journalists on national radio about BB5: 1
PCs trashed in the build-up to and during DS:BB5: 2.
Toes broken while attempting comedy violence at those PCs: 1.
BB-related books read during BB5: 2: Living In The Box by Dean O?Loughlin, Dead Famous by Ben Elton.
Hours spend crying because Marco, Ahmed, Emma and Kitten all left the house too soon: Not measurable in hours, only Kleenex. Half a box.
Number of rants from my irate Auntie Ann 'coz I said Jason would be evicted not Victor: 1 (Sorry, ok!!!)
Number of BB related items bought on eBay in the last 10 weeks: 3.
Fun had watching BB5: Immeasurable. It?s been brilliant.
Endgame.
BB1 was ground-breaking, BB2 was top comedy entertainment, BB3 was feverishly good and created the ?famous for being famous? media icon Jade, BB4 showed us that sometimes, the anti-heros shine though despite losing and BB5 have been one fierily, fantastic, exceptionally bias, top drama that reinforced some stereotypes and shattered others.
Only A Gameshow?
Are all contestants treated equally? No. Big Brother is not about level playing fields. The edit machine and tabloid agendas ensure that it?s just a glorified soap with delusions of being a gameshow. When the Big Brother 1 housemates sang "It?s Only a Gameshow!"- how beautifully naïve they were. And so were we, the viewers.
Big Brother as a concept is ideologically fucked. In a world where the quest for personal validation, challenge or fame tempts the person on the street to live in an artificial environment so we can all have a good laugh at their expense then spits them out, bookies, newspapers and Endemol cash in while us, the idiot public line their pockets along the way is just illogical sometimes. In this bizarre Celeb-obsessed society, throwing 25p at someone who we want to win or lose makes us feel good even if it leaves us skint. Then we get to complain about them when they?re splashed across the media, attempting to hold onto their fifteen minutes.
A Good Tradition Of Love And Hate
But the exact reasons I hate Big Brother are also the reasons I love it. On a deep level, it speaks volumes about modern society and the media. On a shallow level, it?s just fantastic fun and spectacular entertainment, and provides a platform for those people who would not ordinarily get a national audience. It even rakes up undiscovered talent occasionally. But best of all it celebrates the diversity of the general public with all it?s weirdness, wackiness, faults, quirks and brilliance. You can even enhance your own identity to those around you by pledging your allegiance to a certain a housemate. Oh, give me stories of my Big Bro favourite in the tabloids over the Jude Law, Catherine Zeta Jones, Beckhams types etc etc etc tiresome, characterless, humourless insipid bores any day.
Another Happy Junkie.
I don?t know what causes the opiate-like thrill that courses though my veins on each Eviction Night. Maybe it?s glittering, multi-coloured posters and paraphernalia of the enthusiastic crowd, the emotional reaction of the evicted housemate, the uncertainty of the result, the game itself . Though I?ve always thought those who ignore the Talk Of Doom and walk though the doors must be mad, for the first time ever, for just a few minutes, I have actually wondered what it must be to live in the most infamous house in Britain. I guess this is my way of saying that bar the Emma situation, Endemol have done a great job this year.
I Never Can Say Goodbye.
This may or may not be the end of the Emzi column depending on whether there will be a Celeb BB3 at Christmas ( I hope there is!). So just in case, I?d just like to thank everyone who contacted me to comment on my views in the last few years, from the marriage proposals and death threats via in-depth analytical banter or just amusing comments. Neil Wilkes, Beth, Jason, James, Dek and all the DS lot for throwing constant life rafts, especially during past Live Updates and frequent techie mishaps and JT Forum lot for supplying comic diversion and Big Bro info.
But also folks and friends for understanding my BB fascination and happily putting up with it every summer, especially Emma who has listened to my lengthy, boring BB rants over the years with the patience of angels. And Federico, cheers for our BB5 column conferences and chats about the complex BB process. Hey, what are you wearing?
And Kitten, Emma, Vanessa, Marco, Becki, Ahmed, Victor, Michelle, Stuart, Shell, Dan, Jason and Nadia . If you ever stumble across this column, it?s just journalistic junk, don?t take it seriously. Thanks for entertaining me, all of you. And if Nadia doesn?t win tonight, there ain?t no justice!
Now if you?ll excuse me, this junkie is off to write some academic dribble about Big Brother, then I?m out of the bunker and off to Big Bro rehab. If you?re having a BB5 finale party tonight, have a great time. Fresh air, cider, and what?s left of the summer beckon.
It?s been a journey.
Emzi.
Inside the bunker...
What a rip-roaring rollercoaster of a ride BB5 has been, eh viewers? Has it been the best BB ever? Yes but it?s also been the worst. Astonishing bias, violence, intimidation, intolerance, fun, sex, insults, love, nudity, The Cheeky Girls, booze, lies, mud, military coups, Sir Patrick Moore, chains, cake, pampering, vomit, friendship and selective rule-breaking and good tasks have made for great entertainment. What more could you possibly want from your summer?
As this ten week loveable debacle comes to a close - here?s my Bridget Jones-esque take on life in the DS:BB bunker in the run up to BB5 and over the last 71 days?
Marlboro Lights smoked: Er?hello? I?m worse than Nadia!
Money spend on tabloids and magazines during BB5: £151.80.
Alcohol units: Haha!
Hours spent writing columns: I can only calculate it in days.
Hours watching the housemates on E4: Infinite.
Total amount of money spent on evictions/wins: 25p - Nadia to win.
Number of bag of crisps eaten during BB5: - 146 - exactly. But does that technically count Doritos?
Bad habits picked up from housemates this year: 6:
Chewing toothpicks
Wearing doughboy hats
"I know a place where?we can boogie"
"Darrrhhhlliiiiinggggg!"
"Am I bothered?"
"Shall we just get back to being fabulous?"
Irate discussions with tabloid journalists on national radio about BB5: 1
PCs trashed in the build-up to and during DS:BB5: 2.
Toes broken while attempting comedy violence at those PCs: 1.
BB-related books read during BB5: 2: Living In The Box by Dean O?Loughlin, Dead Famous by Ben Elton.
Hours spend crying because Marco, Ahmed, Emma and Kitten all left the house too soon: Not measurable in hours, only Kleenex. Half a box.
Number of rants from my irate Auntie Ann 'coz I said Jason would be evicted not Victor: 1 (Sorry, ok!!!)
Number of BB related items bought on eBay in the last 10 weeks: 3.
Fun had watching BB5: Immeasurable. It?s been brilliant.
Endgame.
BB1 was ground-breaking, BB2 was top comedy entertainment, BB3 was feverishly good and created the ?famous for being famous? media icon Jade, BB4 showed us that sometimes, the anti-heros shine though despite losing and BB5 have been one fierily, fantastic, exceptionally bias, top drama that reinforced some stereotypes and shattered others.
Only A Gameshow?
Are all contestants treated equally? No. Big Brother is not about level playing fields. The edit machine and tabloid agendas ensure that it?s just a glorified soap with delusions of being a gameshow. When the Big Brother 1 housemates sang "It?s Only a Gameshow!"- how beautifully naïve they were. And so were we, the viewers.
Big Brother as a concept is ideologically fucked. In a world where the quest for personal validation, challenge or fame tempts the person on the street to live in an artificial environment so we can all have a good laugh at their expense then spits them out, bookies, newspapers and Endemol cash in while us, the idiot public line their pockets along the way is just illogical sometimes. In this bizarre Celeb-obsessed society, throwing 25p at someone who we want to win or lose makes us feel good even if it leaves us skint. Then we get to complain about them when they?re splashed across the media, attempting to hold onto their fifteen minutes.
A Good Tradition Of Love And Hate
But the exact reasons I hate Big Brother are also the reasons I love it. On a deep level, it speaks volumes about modern society and the media. On a shallow level, it?s just fantastic fun and spectacular entertainment, and provides a platform for those people who would not ordinarily get a national audience. It even rakes up undiscovered talent occasionally. But best of all it celebrates the diversity of the general public with all it?s weirdness, wackiness, faults, quirks and brilliance. You can even enhance your own identity to those around you by pledging your allegiance to a certain a housemate. Oh, give me stories of my Big Bro favourite in the tabloids over the Jude Law, Catherine Zeta Jones, Beckhams types etc etc etc tiresome, characterless, humourless insipid bores any day.
Another Happy Junkie.
I don?t know what causes the opiate-like thrill that courses though my veins on each Eviction Night. Maybe it?s glittering, multi-coloured posters and paraphernalia of the enthusiastic crowd, the emotional reaction of the evicted housemate, the uncertainty of the result, the game itself . Though I?ve always thought those who ignore the Talk Of Doom and walk though the doors must be mad, for the first time ever, for just a few minutes, I have actually wondered what it must be to live in the most infamous house in Britain. I guess this is my way of saying that bar the Emma situation, Endemol have done a great job this year.
I Never Can Say Goodbye.
This may or may not be the end of the Emzi column depending on whether there will be a Celeb BB3 at Christmas ( I hope there is!). So just in case, I?d just like to thank everyone who contacted me to comment on my views in the last few years, from the marriage proposals and death threats via in-depth analytical banter or just amusing comments. Neil Wilkes, Beth, Jason, James, Dek and all the DS lot for throwing constant life rafts, especially during past Live Updates and frequent techie mishaps and JT Forum lot for supplying comic diversion and Big Bro info.
But also folks and friends for understanding my BB fascination and happily putting up with it every summer, especially Emma who has listened to my lengthy, boring BB rants over the years with the patience of angels. And Federico, cheers for our BB5 column conferences and chats about the complex BB process. Hey, what are you wearing?
And Kitten, Emma, Vanessa, Marco, Becki, Ahmed, Victor, Michelle, Stuart, Shell, Dan, Jason and Nadia . If you ever stumble across this column, it?s just journalistic junk, don?t take it seriously. Thanks for entertaining me, all of you. And if Nadia doesn?t win tonight, there ain?t no justice!
Now if you?ll excuse me, this junkie is off to write some academic dribble about Big Brother, then I?m out of the bunker and off to Big Bro rehab. If you?re having a BB5 finale party tonight, have a great time. Fresh air, cider, and what?s left of the summer beckon.
It?s been a journey.
Emzi.
Inside the bunker...
More: Reality TV, Big Brother
