Fair play, it was always going to be difficult to match our expectations when coming up with the sequel to the marvellous Life on Mars but it seems to me that the writers didn't even give themselves a fighting chance.

While the seventies-set show owed much to and indeed paid homage to the gritty The Sweeney, a show with great depth and “realism”, it seems that Ashes to Ashes is taking insubstantial flash eighties drivel like Cat's Eyes and far more notably Dempsey and Makepiece as its jumping-off point.

Sadly those shows seemed like total drivel back in the day and they will even more so now, as they make their inevitable reappearance on ITV4 or somewhere in the wake of this. Tragically, if you take your initial reference point from something so obviously wrapped up in style rather than substance, it can come as no surprise if the results are somewhat disappointing.

One of the delights, indeed the major hook of the tale of Sam Tyler was the mystery of what had happened to him, something they managed to keep bubbling away until the final episode. Here, unless there's a major twist coming, we know exactly what's going and worse still so does main protagonist Alex. All the fun of trying to work out what's happening has been taken away.

Worse than that though, the original show was very faithful to it's own conventions, crucially that we as viewers could only see what Sam could see. They even meticulously worked that logic very cleverly around the Sam Tyler-lite episode in season two. Shoving in scenes in which Alex is not present - such as the one where Chris manages to get his WPC kidnapped – just tramples all over that rule and makes the thing feel like a cheap attempt to cash in the original. The care that was put in previously just doesn't seem to be there this time around.

Biggest problem of all though is the new Gene Hunt. I say new because while the one we all became attached to was a well-rounded character, the sheriff in town keeping his streets clean by whatever methods he could get away with, here we have in his place a sound bite-barking caricature of the original, a cartoon Gene, whose every entrance into a scene seems to be heralded by an over-the-top fanfare. His reuse of the phrase “armed bastards” within seconds of his first appearance only seemed to reinforce the fact that thoughts of originality – the very thing that made Life on Mars so must see – was completely out of the window.

As to cultural references being anchored in 1981, forget it. Much of the background music seems to come from the late seventies while Alex refers to post 1981 events and no one seems fazed.

Happily Ray Carling remains very much Ray Carling and his eighties restyling is spot on. Unhappily Chris has been saddled with a catchphrase “Roger that” and the highly believable well-meaning Detective Constable willing to learn new techniques has become a clown, and a gun-toting clown at that.

I suppose what put the the tin lid on it for me was when Alex was trying to analyse her situation and inadvertently wrote the word “dead” on the whiteboard. It was all highly reminiscent of the scene in Carry on Screaming where Harry H. Corbett and Peter Butterworth end up writing “Foul Feet Smell Something Horrible” on their blackboard.

The energy and gravitas that John Simm brought to the party has been replaced by daft set pieces and highly unrealistic gun fights.

What will save things is if Keeley Hawes can manage to win our hearts and make us care about what happens her. Precious little evidence of that in the opener.

So you'd think from all that ranting that I think it's a terrible show but I actually don't. For all its multitude of faults, it's still vastly more watchable than ITV's Honest or the bizarre The Palace. Its only real crime is that it's not brilliant and how much TV drama is these days?

Soapy dopey

I've seen Summer Strallen on the West End stage and was most impressed. Surprising then that she was so abysmal on Hollyoaks. Can we please get back to storylines and casting being based on creativity and talent rather than publicity stunts? I suspect not.

It's easy to see how Ryan and Alex could have been mixed up in Coronation Street as they are both so dull and annoying. Anyone else getting fed up of seeing Michelle on the verge of tears all the time? Why are they dragging this one on for so long? WE DON'T CARE. I care even less about Violet and her pregnancy. Perhaps it's time for a Coronation Street coach crash to get rid of some deadwood.

Talking of deadwood, Liam's off at the end of the year to avoid typecasting. Is he worried he'll be cast as “gormless northerner” for the rest of his career? Perhaps it's right to worry but I'd bet me beer money that his next role will be either “injured gormless northerner” in Casualty or “gormless criminal northerner” in The Bill.

He might end up in Heartbeat of course. I wonder what they'll get him to play in that.

Dafter things were going on in EastEnders when Duggie – the lunatic who held a siege in the Queen Vic and shot Michelle Fowler – strolled back into the pub and no one noticed. He's calling himself Roger and selling dodgy merchandise to Stacey but it's definitely him. Did producers really think we'd not notice the fact that they've recast an actor who played such an iconic role. It really is an insult to the audience.

Almost as much of an insult are the cringeworthy scenes of Ian Beale and his relentless pursuit of the “pink pound”.

Emmerdale was edge-of-the-seat stuff as Val had her cataracts done. Not. This soap is only really worth watching when someone dies or there is a spectacular stunt. Worth watching most weeks then.