TV
Was there a golden age of Saturday night television? Not in July there wasn’t. Not ever; unless of course you have a particular penchant for Seaside Special.
So for this week's diary, I set myself a task; that being to spend a midsummer evening in front of the box and try to be entertained by it.
I set myself some rules before beginning:
I’m watching alone, the girlfriend being out at work
No premium movie or sports channels
No DVDs
No use of personal recording devices to time shift shows
5.15pm
I start on ITV1 where Diamonds are Forever is being screened.
Again.
Is there is any reason why ITV seem to be showing the Bond movies in reverse order? It does seem rather strange. If the best ITV can manage for early evening entertainment is a thirty-four year old movie then something is seriously wrong.
A couple of decades ago we’d have got daft but entertaining US imports as fillers, the likes of The A Team and Hunter. Surely even “another chance to see??? Ant and Dec or the best of the X Factor would have been better than this old chestnut.
I don’t get much further than Connery’s now incredibly dated collar and cuffs remark before changing channels…
5.35pm
Over on BBC One they are screening, wait for it, a repeat of Only Fools and Horses.
Now there’s a shock.
However the episode concerned is more rarely seen than many of the others. I quickly remember why. I absolutely loathed this episode when it was first screened. The tone of the whole thing was wrong. The plot concerns Rodney striking up a relationship with one of the upper crust set and Del-Boy being crushingly embarrassing and wrecking it for him.
I normally love John Sullivan’s stuff so my feelings of huge disappointment have stayed with me years over this. I still vividly recall it putting a downer on our Christmas when first shown.
The blurb on the info button says it has been re-edited so I stick with it. It hasn’t improved with age.
6.45pm
Anne Robinson appears on The Weakest Link looking for all the world like a waxwork. I’m still smarting at Anne for her frankly rude effort when interviewing Mel C the night before. That and the fact that the contestants are all celebrity chefs leads me to change channels.
I take another peek at ITV1 where Blofeld is stroking a white cat.
By now I’m sorely tempted to break rule three and watch Jarvis Cocker’s Top Ten Pop Show Rules or whatever it was called, having fallen asleep during it on Tuesday. I resist the temptation.
7.06pm
I switch to five where a friendly and meaningless football match is well underway. Liverpool is beating a German team two-nil but the game is being played at a leisurely pace and a general lack of urgency pervades proceedings.
I go to the fridge in search of a beer.
On my return I notice that Channel Four are showing Little Women featuring Winona Ryder. I’m sure it’s a classic but I’m really not in the mood. Louisa May Allcott and Kronenbourg 1664 don’t seem to mix very well.
7.15pm
Back to ITV1 where Shirley Bassey belts out the closing theme to the Bond movie. Time for a quick bit of channel surfing before Rock Around the Block
I take a quick peek at The Open where it appears that Tiger and Monty are on the last hole of the day. It all takes so long that I’m back on ITV1 before I see a shot played.
The game show featuring two families from Birmingham competing against each other in a singing competition proves to be far too painful. I’m soon back on BBC One where Ainsley Harriot and Worrall Thompson are still battling it out.
AWT wins and I fail to hit the remote button before Anne does her wink. I just know I’ll have nightmares now.
7.35pm
I really can’t face Dale and the lottery show.
I find myself on E4+1 where we are treated to the sight of Big Brother’s Craig chopping carrots. To think I used to moan about Bobby Davro not being entertaining. He was positively riveting compared to this.
Over on BBC Two’s Britain’s Best Buildings, a bloke trying to explain the architecture of Durham Cathedral has just covered himself in raw egg. Fred Dibnah, you are sadly missed.
8.10pm
Things are getting desperate by now. I find myself watching old episodes of My Hero on UKTV Gold. The pub is starting to look very tempting.
Over on ITV1, The Miller family have won the musical battle with their rendition of that old family favourite, Baby Got Back.
Next up, Foxy is back again with The Big Call. It seems they are scraping the barrel with the celebs - Bodybag from Bad Girls is about as famous as they get. Indeed, seeing Helen Fraser on a Saturday night brings back memories of when she was a regular on the Dick Emery Show, in the days when there was some quality entertainment to be had.
TV blandies Roger Black and Emma Forbes are among the other celebs and just when you think things can’t get any tackier, Julie Goodyear turns up.
Is Julie Goodyear a big star? Would it be more accurate to say that Bet Lynch, the character she played in Corrie was the star?
It would be a good idea if they out the phone number to ring to take part on the info blurb.
I really must consider entering this game show. The questions are ridiculously easy. Too easy. I go in search of something more stimulating.
8.30pm
A rare trip to BBC Four next and time shift: Court on Camera.
At last a piece of engaging television as the history of court coverage is examined. There are some pertinent points made by Barry Schreck and the appearance of Louise Woodward brings back memories of Sky’s interminable coverage of her trial.
9.15pm
The return of boxing to ITV1 doesn’t begin that well as we start with the news that Danny Williams, defeater of Mike Tyson, has pulled out of the headlining heavyweight bout.
It is up to Matt Skelton and late replacement Mark Krence to rescue things with a decent fight. Although Krence puts up a decent showing, it is all bit one sided and not the sort of bout that will draw big audiences back to the sport.
The ad breaks between each round are especially annoying.
10.10pm
Yea! That Jarvis Cocker thing is being repeated so I can watch it on E4+1 without breaking my rules. It means I’ll miss Amir Khan’s Pro debut, so heavily trailed by ITV but I think I can live with that.
Saturday Night Verdict
Not what I’d call a classic night of television. I’m sure all the goodies are being held back for those dark winter nights.
This is not an experiment I’d wish to repeat in a hurry though. Next time I spend a Saturday night in, it’ll be with a good book and a few CDs.
So for this week's diary, I set myself a task; that being to spend a midsummer evening in front of the box and try to be entertained by it.
I set myself some rules before beginning:
I’m watching alone, the girlfriend being out at work
No premium movie or sports channels
No DVDs
No use of personal recording devices to time shift shows
5.15pm
I start on ITV1 where Diamonds are Forever is being screened.
Again.
Is there is any reason why ITV seem to be showing the Bond movies in reverse order? It does seem rather strange. If the best ITV can manage for early evening entertainment is a thirty-four year old movie then something is seriously wrong.
A couple of decades ago we’d have got daft but entertaining US imports as fillers, the likes of The A Team and Hunter. Surely even “another chance to see??? Ant and Dec or the best of the X Factor would have been better than this old chestnut.
I don’t get much further than Connery’s now incredibly dated collar and cuffs remark before changing channels…
5.35pm
Over on BBC One they are screening, wait for it, a repeat of Only Fools and Horses.
Now there’s a shock.
However the episode concerned is more rarely seen than many of the others. I quickly remember why. I absolutely loathed this episode when it was first screened. The tone of the whole thing was wrong. The plot concerns Rodney striking up a relationship with one of the upper crust set and Del-Boy being crushingly embarrassing and wrecking it for him.
I normally love John Sullivan’s stuff so my feelings of huge disappointment have stayed with me years over this. I still vividly recall it putting a downer on our Christmas when first shown.
The blurb on the info button says it has been re-edited so I stick with it. It hasn’t improved with age.
6.45pm
Anne Robinson appears on The Weakest Link looking for all the world like a waxwork. I’m still smarting at Anne for her frankly rude effort when interviewing Mel C the night before. That and the fact that the contestants are all celebrity chefs leads me to change channels.
I take another peek at ITV1 where Blofeld is stroking a white cat.
By now I’m sorely tempted to break rule three and watch Jarvis Cocker’s Top Ten Pop Show Rules or whatever it was called, having fallen asleep during it on Tuesday. I resist the temptation.
7.06pm
I switch to five where a friendly and meaningless football match is well underway. Liverpool is beating a German team two-nil but the game is being played at a leisurely pace and a general lack of urgency pervades proceedings.
I go to the fridge in search of a beer.
On my return I notice that Channel Four are showing Little Women featuring Winona Ryder. I’m sure it’s a classic but I’m really not in the mood. Louisa May Allcott and Kronenbourg 1664 don’t seem to mix very well.
7.15pm
Back to ITV1 where Shirley Bassey belts out the closing theme to the Bond movie. Time for a quick bit of channel surfing before Rock Around the Block
I take a quick peek at The Open where it appears that Tiger and Monty are on the last hole of the day. It all takes so long that I’m back on ITV1 before I see a shot played.
The game show featuring two families from Birmingham competing against each other in a singing competition proves to be far too painful. I’m soon back on BBC One where Ainsley Harriot and Worrall Thompson are still battling it out.
AWT wins and I fail to hit the remote button before Anne does her wink. I just know I’ll have nightmares now.
7.35pm
I really can’t face Dale and the lottery show.
I find myself on E4+1 where we are treated to the sight of Big Brother’s Craig chopping carrots. To think I used to moan about Bobby Davro not being entertaining. He was positively riveting compared to this.
Over on BBC Two’s Britain’s Best Buildings, a bloke trying to explain the architecture of Durham Cathedral has just covered himself in raw egg. Fred Dibnah, you are sadly missed.
8.10pm
Things are getting desperate by now. I find myself watching old episodes of My Hero on UKTV Gold. The pub is starting to look very tempting.
Over on ITV1, The Miller family have won the musical battle with their rendition of that old family favourite, Baby Got Back.
Next up, Foxy is back again with The Big Call. It seems they are scraping the barrel with the celebs - Bodybag from Bad Girls is about as famous as they get. Indeed, seeing Helen Fraser on a Saturday night brings back memories of when she was a regular on the Dick Emery Show, in the days when there was some quality entertainment to be had.
TV blandies Roger Black and Emma Forbes are among the other celebs and just when you think things can’t get any tackier, Julie Goodyear turns up.
Is Julie Goodyear a big star? Would it be more accurate to say that Bet Lynch, the character she played in Corrie was the star?
It would be a good idea if they out the phone number to ring to take part on the info blurb.
I really must consider entering this game show. The questions are ridiculously easy. Too easy. I go in search of something more stimulating.
8.30pm
A rare trip to BBC Four next and time shift: Court on Camera.
At last a piece of engaging television as the history of court coverage is examined. There are some pertinent points made by Barry Schreck and the appearance of Louise Woodward brings back memories of Sky’s interminable coverage of her trial.
9.15pm
The return of boxing to ITV1 doesn’t begin that well as we start with the news that Danny Williams, defeater of Mike Tyson, has pulled out of the headlining heavyweight bout.
It is up to Matt Skelton and late replacement Mark Krence to rescue things with a decent fight. Although Krence puts up a decent showing, it is all bit one sided and not the sort of bout that will draw big audiences back to the sport.
The ad breaks between each round are especially annoying.
10.10pm
Yea! That Jarvis Cocker thing is being repeated so I can watch it on E4+1 without breaking my rules. It means I’ll miss Amir Khan’s Pro debut, so heavily trailed by ITV but I think I can live with that.
Saturday Night Verdict
Not what I’d call a classic night of television. I’m sure all the goodies are being held back for those dark winter nights.
This is not an experiment I’d wish to repeat in a hurry though. Next time I spend a Saturday night in, it’ll be with a good book and a few CDs.
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