Phil and Grant’s return to EastEnders was triumphant, well for the first half hour at the least.

Gentle persuasion
Tony Jordan’s witty script acknowledged the passage of time and was packed with knowing one liners as Ross Kemp was allowed to show that his flair for the comedic far outweighs his prowess with dramatic.

Phil mentioned that in the old days they rarely had to hit anyone, something seemingly lost on Grant who had just knocked a man unconscious and by the end of the episode had manhandled the venomous Chrissie and managed to deck Deadwood Dennis. He should check his fists for splinters.

“Just stand there and look hard,??? Phil told Grant as though he hadn’t based most of career on doing just that.

By Thursday though most of the laughs were gone and we were left with two aging thugs to watch, the levity of Tuesday’s classic nowhere to be seen. Phil’s treatment of Ian Beale seemed more Gripper Stebson (ask your mum, kids) than East End hard man while Grant was largely reduced to standing around looking menacing.

Most affected by their return is of course Johnny Allen who seems to have a personality transplant to path the way for their return.

As for Phil, wasn’t he caught on the premises during the factory job, with the cash and a shooter? Are we really expected to believe that his trial was thrown out of court after the security guard changed his story? I think not.

Away from the Mitchells we had the dreary tale of Sonia and Martin’s failing marriage to contend with. Sonia is worried that Martin wants to turn her into Pauline. She’s already just as whingy and miserable. She’s just a drab cardigan away from completing the transformation.

Oh I do like to be beside the seaside

Hats off to BBC Three for their refreshing but totally sleazy drama Funland.

It’s a grubby little pleasure that draws you in but you feel like taking a shower after watching it. Set in the murky world of Blackpool “entertainment??? it’s like the worst excesses of Twin Peaks with just a dash of Coronation Street.

At the heart of the drama is creepy matriarch Mercy Woolf played superbly by Judy Parfitt while the rest of the cast is packed with some of our best character actors, the likes of Phillip Jackson as a seedy landlord and a strangely bewigged Roy Barraclough as the duplicitous mayor.

Kris Marshall does a good job as a hapless holidaymaker whose disastrous poker playing forces his frigid wife (the brilliant Sarah Smart) into the world of lap dancing to attempt to clear his debts. Ian Puleston-Davies makes a fine borderline psycho as Mercy’s son Shirley while Frances Barber is marvellously brittle as his pushy wife.

Daniel Mays gives the show even more edge as Carter, a man out to avenge the death of his mother, with a moody performance and if you can stand the severed heads, frequent nudity and blowtorch near the eyeball scenes then you’ll love it.

If there’s a justification for the BBC it’s risky stuff like this and together with Bodies it seems BBC Three is the place to go these days for challenging drama.


New look News
As Sky News unveiled it’s new look on Monday morning I felt like I’d lost an old friend.

All I want when I tune is the news, while now the whole thing feels more chatty than newsy and the presenters look lost wandering around the vast studio. What was wrong with sitting behind a desk?

Early in the week it seemed that chemistry was yet to occur between Eamonn Holmes and a seemingly over excited Lorna Dunkley on the breakfast show. Things may have improved later, I don’t know, having decamped to the BBC for my early morning information fix.

Worse was to come with the disastrous World News Tonight where James Rubin looked all at sea as presenter. If we want news from an American perspective, we can go to Fox or CNN. We don’t need it from Sky and certainly not from a presenter who seems ill at ease with an autocue.

On the plus side, the screen seems less cluttered and the switch to widescreen is welcome.

The new look certainly had an impact on me. Sky is no longer my first port call for news. This new style needs tweaking…fast.

Going going gong
The National Television Awards would be far more interesting if they were shown live. Watching the show on Wednesday was a bit like watching a football match when you already know the score. Unsatisfying.

If that wasn’t bad enough, the after show coverage with Fearne Cotton and Andy Wothisname was particularly inept and unrevealing. Where are Durden-Smith and TPT when you need them?

As for the winners, Ant and Dec looked relieved rather than delighted when they finally bagged a prize, having missed out twice earlier in the evening. Meanwhile the two Davids, Cameron and Davies, contenders for the Tory leadership went down like a lead balloon with the boisterous crowd.

Jamie Oliver deserved his award for all that good work with the kiddies dinners. I still find him intensely irritating, none more so than in Jamie’s Great Escape but I still enjoy his shows for some reason.

Doctor Who did rather well though perhaps appearing in it may not pay that well. Surrounded by soap stars in designer frocks, Billie Piper looked as though she wondered in from Top Shop. Perhaps she didn’t think she’d win.


If you can’t stand the heat
I’ve really been enjoying Hell’s Kitchen USA and just for Gordon Ramsey’s acid tongue. The American contestant’s are a back stabbing lot that make some episodes more like The Borgias than a cookery show.

In the early episodes, the Yanks were taken aback at Gordon’s rudeness but now they’ve got used to that, they are more than prepared to stab each other in the back and they are far more expressive than their British counterpoints, leading to some explosive television.

It’s cracking stuff and ten times better than the Ramsey-free British version served up earlier this year.

Dead head
I was enjoying James Gaddas’s turn as a frustrated headmaster so much in Casualty @Holby City this week that I wondered if another spin off could be in the offing. Sadly he never made it to Thursday’s final credits, killed off by one his own pupils.

Although they managed to get through this weeks collaboration without blowing up the hospital, for once, this was a very entertaining week though I do wonder whether this was a dry run to turn the show into a half-hour soap.

I hope that doesn’t happen and that this format can be used sparingly as special treat. Treat it certainly was though it may have put some people off apple bobbing for life. Amanda Mealing missed out the Newcomer award at the NTA’s but how on earth did she qualify? She’s been around for donkey’s years (If you remember Gripper in Grange Hill you may remember her).


And finally

Now the dark nights are coming in it’s nice to come home and watch something light and breezy. Bleak House is darkly lit you have to wonder whether it was filmed in a power cut.

So gloomy are some of the scenes that it’s hard to make out the celebrity cast.


Dek’s X Factor Column