Scary soccer
The BBC’s much talked about new drama, Rome, was supposed to contain loads of nudity. I saw more tits on Sky Sports Monday Night Football. Sadly, they were all wearing claret and blue shirts and trying unsuccessfully to pass themselves off as footballers. If it's massive boobs you were looking for Jlloyd Samuel managed to make two.

Yes, with the schedules awash with horror movies to celebrate Halloween, the scariest thing I saw on the box was Aston Villa’s inept defence. I went through loads of emotions: horror, fear, heartbreak and despair. It’s rare a drama makes me feel like that.

Cut to bits
Back to Rome though and there was a fair amount of butchery. The problem was that all the crude cutting seemed to have happened in a BBC edit suite. In its infinite wisdom Auntie decided to take the scissors to the first couple of episodes, with the poor excuse that European audiences wouldn’t need to know all the stuff the Yanks did.

Poppycock.

We are not talking boring historical information here. Loads of important character development has been consigned to the cutting room floor, which is likely to seriously affect the amount of enjoyment we can glean from future episodes. Another result of this injudicious snipping is that there was a lack of flow to the opener, which could put many people off what is a very classy drama.

In the unsnipped footage we see the various players character traits being carefully revealed and it’s a most intriguing piece of work. In the butchered version it’s much harder to get a handle on who’s who and what motivates them. The actors concerned must be gutted that so much of their good work will not be seen over here.

Surely space could be found on BBC Three for the uncut epic though I suppose we’ll be expected to shell out for the DVD to see the show in it’s full glory.

If you were put off by the first episode, stick with it and let’s all hope that the BBC razor blades aren’t taken to the show again.


Count on Des

Smoothychops
The ghost of Richard Whiteley pervades the return of Countdown. Des Lynam, normally TV’s Mister Smoothychops seems at times as stilted as Twice Nightly did in his early shows nearly quarter of a century ago.

To be honest, Des’s awkwardness works quite well in this relaxed format, though it’s dictionary corner’s Susie Dent that manages to grab the best laughs. Faced with having to define “todger??? she dutifully read out the definition as “a penis of unknown origin??? to hoots of mirth.

As for Carol, she actually seems to look younger than she did back in 1982. Methinks there’s a picture in the attic somewhere.

Crinkley Noel
Not a blobby in sight
I’m sure there used to rules concerning game shows, something to do with the fact that must be some skill factor involved.

These rules must have been swept aside because Deal or No Deal is nothing but a pure game of chance. Is this show really worthy of slot once adorned by the very brainy game show Fifteen to One?

It marks the end of television exile for Noel Edmonds whose attempts to bring some gravitas to this piece of frivolous fluff fall remarkably flat. What this show needs is a comedian who can bring out the best in the contestants. As it stands it makes tired old Ready Steady Cook look more of an appealing prospect.

Ghostly O’Grady

Spooked
Most Haunted Live got a big lift on Halloween, thanks to the presence of Paul O’Grady.

Paul’s appearance didn’t phase ex-Blue Peter presenter Yvette Fielding one bit. Why would it? She’s spent years wandering around in the dark with a camp scouser. Yes, Paul managed to totally upstage Derek Acorah on what was his swansong on the show.

The hunt for Jack the Ripper was thwarted when they “contacted??? one of O’Grady’s old mates. “Is that you Reg???? killed any tension that had been building.

Seriously, if they want more of us to take this hokum at face value, the crew really need some acting lessons.

Sky 3 ITV 4

Anyone who can receive Sky Three should in theory be able to get Sky News so I really can’t see the point of simulcasting Live at Five every night.

Digital channels don’t need news. We know where to go if we need it. Thankfully BBC Three’s news is being axed and the cash hopefully spent on innovative current affairs. More4 take note.

Many freeview boxes still display Sky Three as Sky Travel. That seems appropriate as much of the schedule remains the same as before the switch.
Raiders of the Lost Archive

If ITV4 is anything to go by, the TV of the future is still the TV of the past. Not that I’m complaining.

It’s great that Lew Grade’s transatlantic dramas from the sixties are getting another airing. Department S should appeal to all though bemoaning the death of The X Files. Some of the shows have aged better than others. The Pretenders really has suffered from the passage of time. You have to wonder whether it still features on the CV of Tony Curtis or Roger Moore. As for the Gerry Anderson classic UFO the sexism has to be seen to be believed.


effing Gordon

Gordon Ramsay has made his name making edgy exciting shows.

The F Word is so pedestrian by comparison that it wouldn’t look out of place in the daytime schedule.

Watching Gordon look after the Christmas turkeys with his kids or take part in an apple pie bake off with his mum it’s hardly exciting is it? Someone should tell him that he’s not Jamie Oliver.

I had high hopes for a big face off with Joan Collins but even that turned into a big love in culminating in a recipe for a cheese omelette. A cheese omelette? He’ll be showing us how to boil water next.

Tragically, it looks like Gary the turkey may have to be destroyed. Unless they ginger this show up, it may well suffer the same fate.

It is now

I can’t really see the point of replacing Nick Hancock with Lee Mack on They Think It’s All Over. At least when Hancock was in chair, you felt he really meant the snide asides.

The show has never been as good since Lee Hurst departed years ago and it has certainly suffered since Lineker and Gower flew the coop. The real bonus in the new season is the dry humour of Boris Becker who raises more laughs than increasingly smutty remarks of Rory McGrath.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this

Good grief, the comedian’s a Jedi
I suppose showing Star Wars – Attack of the Clones in the week the sequel came out on DVD was a good idea. What on earth possessed them to screen it post watershed though? On a schoolnight at that! These movies have always appealed to a family audience and though Clones and Revenge are darker in tone than most, it seems daft to screen it at a time when the nippers can’t watch.

Sadly, these movies never come across as well on the small screen as they do at the cinema and the situation isn’t helped by ITV cropping the picture to fill a 16:9 frame. Sticking the news in the middle doesn’t help much either.

They only managed 2.3 million after the news. Surely more people would have tuned in if screened at say, Sunday teatime.

Big girls blouses

Truth can be stranger than fiction. Rumours that the Mitchell brothers are to be nicked and charged with walking around with offensive spouses are no doubt wide of the mark.

Sky News really went to town on the Rebekah Wade story, which probably wasn’t showing much solidarity where the editor of The Sun is concerned. Crime correspondent Martin Brunt was remarkably po-faced about it all while the rest of us were merely trying to stifle our giggles and cope with the slew of text jokes that kept coming through and clogging our mobiles.



Dek’s X Factor Column