Yakkity Yak

ITV may have finally come up with the answer to that troublesome five o’clock slot with The Sharon Osbourne Show which sticks so closely to the format of The Paul O’Grady Show that if Buster made an appearance it wouldn’t be overly surprising.

Like Paul, Sharon isn’t the best interviewer in the world but for the purposes of a bit of frothy entertainment that’s not a real problem, though next to Mrs. Osbourne even Mel Sykes would seem like John Humphrys.

Just to keep the kitsch value bubbling along nicely, we also get the odd cute animal wheeled on to proceedings and all in all it’s feel good telly but what it hasn’t allowed - not as yet anyway – is any opportunity for Sharon to get her claws out.

I find nicey-nicey Sharon a bit saccharine for my taste and hopefully as her confidence in the format grows we’ll see more of the water-chucking diva-ish personality we’ve come to know and love on The Osbournes and The X Factor and a few more of her waspish verbal barbs will become evident.

At the moment it's a nice show, a safe show and while that’s perfectly acceptable for many, it needs an edge and its star is certainly capable of giving that. The real test will come when Paul is back to fitness and back on Channel 4. It’s just a shame that when they go head to head, it’ll be the viewers that lose out.

Church of the Poisoned Mind

It was difficult to establish whether The Charlotte Church Show was attempting to parody its host's tawdry tabloid image or just live up to it. In the end this car crash of a light entertainment show merely reinforced it.

If the opening, expletive-strewn theme tune was supposed to be an example of post modern irony it failed miserably and things went rapidly downhill from there with no opportunity missed to take things south of the borders of dubious taste.

The portents weren’t good when that albatross of light entertainment – remember Something for the Weekend and Passport to Paradise- Denise Van Outen was revealed as the star guest and the whole thing descended into one of worst things to grace – or should that be disgrace – a Channel 4 schedule since the advent of The Girlie Show.

Ratings may prove to be problem as the series goes on, as judging by the first episode, the target audience are more likely to be sulking around by the local bottle bank swigging White Lightning and smoking roll-ups than to be in front of a television set on a Friday night.

If it at least removes some of them from outside the off-licence asking anyone who happens to go in to purchase them a bottle of 20/20 it’ll just maybe be worthwhile.

Fade to Grey

The good news for all of ER fans pining for a new series is that the remarkably similar but far fresher Grey’s Anatomy has returned to UK screens in its second season.

Fair enough, the storylines and plot twists are obviously straight out of the text book of continuous drama but some nifty casting, strong dialogue and a liberal use of gallows humour should be enough to keep even fans of Jed Mercurio’s dark hospital dramas relatively entertained.

Even in the midst of the aftermath of a train wreck, the various emotional dilemmas of the hospital staff were played out but not allowed to overshadow the medical storylines, the key one being the tale of two people impaled on a pole and the valiant docs faced with the fact that only one could be saved. Not an original storyline by any means, but marvellously executed.

I must admit that when the rather annoying woman who was seemingly physically attached to her mobile phone expired unexpectedly, I cheered when perhaps that wasn’t quite the emotion that the producers were going for.

On paper all the various plots in this season opener must have looked like a bundle of clichés but the classy production took it beyond that and even the “comedy” storyline about a missing right leg seemed to come off.

Say it loud and there’s music playing

I kept being distracted during How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria? by Graham Norton’s hair. I’ve no problem with rugs, weaves or merely outlandish natural hair creations as long as they don’t detract from my viewing. I’ve no idea what that is on Norton’s head but it certainly took my attention away from our contestants.

Two Marias were chucked out on Saturday. Twice Helena was in the bottom two on the night and twice Andrew Lloyd Webber saved her. Is there something going on here we don’t know about?

For me Connie has been so far ahead of the rest in terms of performance that the whole process has been a bit of a farce. However if things go the way they tend to on these type of shows, we’re due now for a bit of a shock and that can only mean Connie’s surprise exit.

Frankly none of the other surviving contestants seem up to it to me. True star of the run has been Simona who never managed to shake off the constraints of her accent. Would that really have been such a big problem? Aren’t the von Trapps supposed to be Austrian?

I wish singing coach and misery guts judge Zoë would smile a bit more. She looks quite lovely when she smiles and more like Bagpuss the rest of the time.

Tears before bedtime

An abortion storyline isn’t the most cheerful thing to come home from work to watch but hats off to Lacey Turner who has been brilliant this week as Stacey dealt with her difficult decision over what to do about her unplanned pregnancy.

Indeed it’s been another good week in EastEnders with new bad boy Sean Slater making his presence felt and going toe to toe with Max, while Jack’s burgeoning romance with Peggy has provided a few moments of light relief.

It’s the children in the cast that I find disturbing. Peter Beale has been so traumatised by events between Ian and Jane that he has morphed into someone else completely while little Ben has a aura of Damien around him.

They should be checking his head for sixes.